Just need somewhere to vent about how wrong I got it

[ambertip]

I’m 36 with a one year old. last year was horrendous, my ex partner who I lived with left me in my pregnancy. It was unplanned but as far as I knew we were in the relationship for the long run and both wanted a family. At first he embraced it but by the 12 week scan he was making suggestions I had got pregnant intentionally (never actually saying it but the hints were there), being very distant and making me feel awful if I was in any way excited about the baby. I felt so confused I even went to get a termination but couldn’t go through with it, I never told him I went to this appointment but it was his behaviour that led me to it. After we separated he refused to speak to me about the baby, when I went into labour I called him to tell him and he said he ‘didn’t want notifications from me’ and hung up the phone. I’ve not yet made an application for maintenance but will need to as dc starts nursery soon.

ive just sat here tonight and sobbed. This was a man I thought I was going to spend my life with. I really loved him. I can’t believe we talked so much about a future and we shared such lovely moments and we’re building a life together… for him to do this? It’s almost like I lived the last year on autopilot. I stopped waiting for him to get in touch but when I think about it now I can’t actually believe he’s got on with his life and never even asked about his baby. That’s not the man I knew and loved? I have not heard from him or seen him since the separation but my ex partner from years ago is a friend who knows of him and apparently he is living a very secluded life with no new partner and has been telling people I was ‘a nightmare’ when pregnant and he couldn’t cope with me… he was very reclusive anyway but I can’t get my head around him living his life knowing his baby is out there and ignores them. As for me being a nightmare I’ve analysed that comment since I heard of it in summer and have gone over everything I did or said to try and understand what he may have meant by that as it’s not something he ever said to me. He never even explained his silence just that we had broken up and so I was cut off.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I’ve just had a hard day and coming up to DC’s first birthday I am just in shock I made it through and also deeply sad that he’s never thought to get to know them. How can someone be so cruel, our baby is so wonderful I can’t understand his coldness. I got him so so wrong, I genuinely believed he was a thoroughly decent person.

I am so sorry, but so so many of us have been in the same position.
It doesn't matter what he's saying about you, it's his was of trying to explain/shift the blaim for not seeing his own child. Don't analyse or second guess yourself. It'd totally 100% his fault for not having a relationship with his own child.
Contact child maintenance asap and get the ball rolling, no need to wait till she starts nursery.

Stop beating yourself up. Its not you, it's him. Get your child support claim put in and look towards the future for you and your baby

@Georgeskitchen @Justmeandme19 ive been looking at photos and just honestly can’t believe how happy we were. I know it’s stupid but I feel like I’ve been through some psychological trauma as it’s like he was a totally different person to who I thought he was.

I’m sorry that’s awful for you. But as others have said it’s him not you. Him saying you were a nightmare is his way of shifting the blame, when really he is to blame. Its his loss

Perhaps you are feeling this way, because you didn’t have the chance to grieve the end of the relationship because the baby was on the way?

Enjoy the rest of the baby days they go so quickly!

@Bedazzled22 yeah that could be it. I almost can’t believe it’s all happened. I had to just get on with it but looking back just cannot comprehend how someone can be so cold hearted.

My heart aches for you. It's completely mind blowing when someone you thought you knew acts so differently. You go over things time and time again in your mind. Please know this; you are the person who stepped up and handled the situation, even when your heart was broken. You are the person who has kept lid ticking for two people for a whole year. You deserve love and appreciation, not a façade he seems to have offered you for so long.

You have gain a beautiful child, who will give you love like no other. You will get to see and feel things his sad little life will never experience. It may not feel like it, but you are the winner here. Give yourself time x

@Sc34 thanks so much. It’s been hard, I became quite numb I think. I love our baby so much it just breaks my heart their dad has no interest.

I totally get you op.

Similar story here, 5 years together, a baby that almost but didn't quite make it into the world , and when we split - nothing. Just left me high and dry and got on with his life without a backwards glance .

I dont understand it either .

I know a man who left his wife and child, when the child was 2 years old. This was eight years ago and he hasn't seen the child since, and says, as far as he is concerned, he isn't a dad. He doesn't pay child maintenance and he says he has zero interest in in child's life. Before he told me all of this, I genuinely thought he was a decent human being. I've changed my mind now, there is something missing in his personality for him to be so cold and unfeeling.

It’s so sad how many women have been in the same situation. Just remember that you now get a lifetime of love and he will always know what a cold and unreliable human being he is. I can imagine how painful it is, but you did absolutely nothing to deserve this. If that is the sort of man he is your child is better off without him. Enjoy your babies Christmas, one day you will meet someone who will stand by you and having him out of your life will be the biggest favour he ever did for you both

You are looking at this the wrong way round and what was wrong with you when clearly the problem was with him.

Perhaps he was trying to be the person he wants to be and not the person he is and that mask only held up so long.
He is too scared or life and commitment to live it properly. That's on him, not you.

The shifting of the blame and questioning if you did it on purpose was never about you and all about his own insecurities.

Better that your lovely child learns how to be a decent person from you. Claim the maintenance but stop beating yourself up over something beyond your control. Your behaviour didn't cause this, it's just easier for him to say that.

This is the problem with unplanned pregnancy.

Whilst MN is happy to scream that having sex can always result in a pregnancy and he should know that... you should also know that... so, so far all is equal.
You have sex together and the resulting pregnancy is an EQUAL result.

That's where the equality ends. Because quite rightly the next step is your choice and yours alone. The only choice he has is to be an active father or not. Which is his right.

You made your choice. The right choice for you. You wanted to have the child.
He made his choice as a consequence of your choice. To not be an active father. He didn't actually get the choice of biological parenthood as this was chosen for him. (Again - as it should be)

No one gets to be a winner here. You have lost a partner and your child has lost having an active parent in their life.

Your ex partner gets to pay a proportion of his earnings every month for a minimum of 18 years. (A lesson to all men to guard their fertility).

It is a harsh lesson... but I will qualify the above. You ARE the 'winner'... given the options and choices you had. Knowing what you know now. Look at your child. Would you swap him/her for your ex ? Because that is what it boils down to.

You can't MAKE someone want to be a parent. So your choice was baby or him. You couldn't have both. So which would you choose knowing how it panned out. ? Him or baby ? It's simple. You made the right choice.

Now get that maintenance claim in PRONTO !!

Hey you have to let go of this guy upsetting you. Allowing him to dominate your life is like letting him live in your mind RENT FREE. You have a gift, a child forever. He has no insight therefore will stuff up his life on and on. You are literally better finding someone new.