Starting to feel resentment towards my parents

[CaraVann]

This is tough for me to write. Firstly, because I feel thatI feel I can not fully articulate how I feel and also because it’s been festering away for decades and long winded.
I am almost 50 and have had some sort of mental health issue since I was a small child.
During adulthood, I have sort out many different types of therapy to try to help. Years of CBT, counselling and psychotherapy etc but I am still at a stalemate when it comes to feeling free of my thoughts/frustrations etc.
From as long as I can recall I have had major anxiety issues. As a small child I was a constant worrier, could never relax, always ‘fired up’, a day dreamer, could not concentrate on anything for long, fidgety etc. I had some awful OCD behaviours that included believing I was being poisoned which resulted in having issues with how/what I ate and even today, I have issues with food. I had and still have many fears of every day things. There were many issues.
My parents never sort help for me. In fact, my dad would think my behaviours were funny and would tease me and make fun of them. An example of this would be at around the age of 8 I truly believed if you slightly cut or nicked your wrist then you would bleed to death (it was a huge fear which would cause me endless panic). On the back of this and as a ‘joke’, my dad would grab me by the arm and pretend to cut my wrist with the blunt end of a knife, I still remember the horror of this yet he thought he was being hilarious. There are many other examples of this kind of ‘fun’ but too many to list.
Even now my dad will laugh and say I was always a weird child with weird thoughts etc and still am as an adult. Still no support offered.
I beleive I may have undiagnosed ADHD, I have explained this to him and although he doesn’t understand what ADHD really is (believes it’s some kind of ‘made up’ thing!), he says it does kind of make sense about my behaviour as a child.
I don’t blame them in many ways as it was the 70’s/80’s and very few people sort the help of mental health professionals back then especially children (although they did take my younger sister to see a child psychologist around the age of 13 when she had school refusal, but they’ve done far more for her than me and that’s another story!).
What gets to me now though (and messes with my head a little) is now, how heavily they rely on me.
Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 years ago and as with the disease is progressively getting worse. My mum was a good mum and did all she could to help my sister and I.
I do so much for them (for my mum because I love her). I am round theirs at least 4/5 times a week and help them out with as much as I can.
I still and have always suffered with my mental health which has been getting worse over the last few years. I now have awful anxiety, heightened symptoms of adhd (if that is what I actually suffer from?), depression. I have awful, daily digestive issues of which I have had endless tests but comes back as IBS. I feel poorly every day and really struggle.
My dad is fully aware of my struggles but still expects me to visit regularly. If I leave it a day or two I get phone calls and feel an immense sense of guilt that I haven’t ‘popped’ by (I literally live around the corner). He says he can not cope with mum alone (she is in the late early stages so God only knows what will happen as the disease progresses?).
What leaves an even bitter taste in my mouth is that my parents have hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank (inheritance from my mums parents). Yet dad never spends a penny of it. He always ‘jokes’ that we are after his money even though I have never in my adult life asked for a penny from them and they rarely give it (I got a food processor for a wedding gift and will get £30 for birthdays and Christmas). That’s all fine as it’s their money but dad resents spending anything on mum to help her (even though, as I say, it’s mainly her inheritance money).
He begrudges the £22 per week he has to pay for the carer I organised for them. I asked her to come in for an hour a week firstly to take some pressure off me as I was at breaking point by then and also as a ‘foot in the door’ for when mum needs extra help. But dad doesn’t want to up her hours and moans constantly about the cost of it even though it should come out of mums Attendance allowance which is something else I organised for her but that money sits and grows in her bank!

I looks awful written down and looks as though I have nothing but resentment for them. I do love them dearly but the truth is that yes, in many ways I do have a big lump of resentment residing in me that they never helped me in my hour of need all those years ago and if they had maybe my life may have turned a different corner and for the better as I feel I have struggle all my life and now, in their hour of need they are relying on me to always help out.
It is draining me and consuming me tbh and I don’t know what to do about it.

That does look awful written down but not in the way you think - your Dad sounds like he lacks empathy, bullied you because he thought it was funny, and treats your Mums inheritance as if its his own money.

Have you heard of FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt? People feel FOG when they are in a controlling and unhealthy relationship. There's loads of info online, it won't all relate to your situation but some of it may be helpful.
If you find yourself feeling like that in any relationship its a red flag that things aren't right. You need help and support. How is your relationship with your GP, do you feel able to talk to them?

I wonder if adult Social Services can step in? Your Mum deserves care and your Dad has no right to be a miser or expect you to do it for free.

And finally, look into assertiveness training for yourself. If you were to say to your Dad 'I'm not Mum's full time carer, you need to get a professional in to help'' whats the worst thing that could happen?

it reads like he wants a carer but doesn’t want to pay for one
so you’re handy free labour because your time and feelings aren’t as important as his.
just as he didn’t put himself in your shoes as a child and imagine how hard things were for you then or how he was making you feel, he’s also unable or unwilling to do it now.

you are not a full time carer and you need to put your own oxygen mask on before theirs! This is clearly too much. Figure out what you can do (visiting twice a week with potential for a third visit if you’re free seems more than reasonable to me) tell him that
ask him if it’s enough help or if he needs more? If he says he needs more, tell him you’ll arrange for the carer to come more often and it’ll cost x amount, he’ll need to arrange paying it. Or you could spend one of your visits with him looking at social care and other options if there are any.
whats your sister doing?

That does look awful written down but not in the way you think - your Dad sounds like he lacks empathy, bullied you because he thought it was funny, and treats your Mums inheritance as if its his own money

Thelnebriati That’s exactly it but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually say this as I love my dad but find it hard to acknowledge that’s he actually (and has always been) a complete arse.
I have not come across FOG and will definitely look into that, thanks. I have had a meeting with SS but sadly because of the amount of money mum and dad have they can not help. Regarding my GP, I saw her a few weeks ago, told her that I felt very low and was having dark thoughts if stepping in front of a lorry (no lie, I genuinely have these scary thoughts from time to time), she told me to ring 111 and press option 2 - very helpful!
Thank you for your advice, I do very much need to work on my assertiveness.
Christmasnero I really do need to do this but I’ve tried it time and time again with dad, he is so very stubborn, says one minute he agrees to getting help in and asks me to arrange it but when I do he does nothing but moans and wants me to cancel. Mum was going to a day centre which I arranged for and would take her there but he cancelled it as he said mum didn’t like it!
My sister pops in twice a week, she has her own cleaning business so works full time but does their cleaning once a week.

I had a similar childhood to you although I’m in my 30s. I have ocd and suspected adhd. My family would laugh at my quirky behaviour and no help was sought.

however I do t feel angry at them about that as mental illness was not well known.

Regarding the caring. My family also keep saying that when they are old they won’t be having paid for carers or going into a care home. I have just told them that they absolutely will. I will have a full time demanding career with children to look after too. It’s selfish to expect your children to look after you.

i would just tell them that you can’t do the full caring they require. I wouldn’t mention about your childhood. Try to keep the issues separate or they might think you are punishing them.

Its OK to love your parents and at the same time be able to see their faults, and also to put boundaries in place to stop them overstepping the mark.

As far as adult SS goes, I was thinking they need to step in to assist your Mum, because it sounds like your Dad may be withholding her money.

Hi Cara, what helped and helps me immensely is understanding false guilt. Guilt can come from two places, it either comes from the part of us that was installed by our main caregivers as a child, or guilt can arrise from our true conscience which is wise and discerning. In this case it's the false guilt from the years of being groomed by your parents and society that you can only be a good person by sacrificing yourself whereas your discerning conscience can look at the situation from outside and see that your needs are as important as theirs and that they have needs that can be met by any number of people. You dont have to run yourself into the ground to feel good about yourself. Your judgement of yourself is what matters, not your dad's who clearly has difficulty seeing your needs.

Is your mum well enough to give you power of attorney? I wonder if it would be possible for you to step in somehow, organise her care using her money, and leave your dad to it. Have you sought legal advice? It sounds like he is still bullying and controlling you both. Stepping in and sorting out what is potentially a risky situation for your mum would not mean that you are a bad person, and has nothing to do with how much you love or owe to either parent.

I don’t think what you have written is awful. I think your dad was mean to you though he clearly thought funny. I’m not defending it, but it was a different time. People behaved very differently to how they do now.

Thankfully schools and parents are much more switched on to identify and support ADHD etc whereas back then I don’t think they knew about much. My brother has mild learning difficulties, but never mentioned when young. He is the same age as you. I know two people with dyslexia, never identified at school in the 70’s/80’s.

re-your parents and you helping them - one thing to remember is that our parents forget that we are getting older too and we have our own lives. It would be much better to get outside help and I hope you can get this across to your dad, so it helps give you a break. What you are doing is too much.

Our neighbour was like this. Saved all the carers Mon to go to Tenerife with housebound wife. Guess what on arrival she was hospitalised, he had a great holiday. Picked her up for the flight home.

Every time there was a problem neighbours stepped in. We were mugs.

Another elderly neighbour we stepped in because son an accountant in London would only cover state aid. Event she broke her hip so in hospital where she died. He now uses her home as his holiday one. I hate the rich old bastard. But he had power of attorney