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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best friend issues- Insanity

27 replies

Kay6543 · 07/12/2022 10:09

Good Morning,

I am at the end of my tether with my best friend of 32 years and I just need a rant really and some advice on what to do. We are 34. This whole thing is so petty, I realize this, but it is really getting me down.

She has always been very immature and never settled down, she still lives with her parents and pays them £200 rent a month (nothing wrong with that, but it plays into the story). I live with my two children and my partner.

I see her every week and we message basically every single day and have done since we were 15. I call her mum mum and vice versa.

I genuinely don't know what has happened recently. She keeps insulting everything I do- to the point I sent a picture of a new restaurant opening in town and she replied saying what are you the police? I posted a picture of my dog in a Christmas jumper and captioned it 'Furbaby' and she messaged me a screen shot of it saying UGHHHHH HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL THEIR ANIMALS THAT. I then got a new job in a field I have been doing a course for and she just put loads of laughing smileys and said yeah but you're on SSP now haha.

It's genuinely like receiving texts from a 12 year old girl? I then went out with another friend for a coffee on my lunch break and a catch up, posted it on instagram. She didn't speak to me for a week and eventually when I got it out of her she replied saying it is because I put funniest time ever on the post.....she then asked me how I would feel if she had done that.....I was baffled. We are 34?

I have explained to her the cost of living crisis etc and my electric bills and food- she keeps booking nights out with her other friend and just telling me to be somewhere- for example- I will get a random text saying 7pm Friday- this bar- its ££££. I can't afford it and have told her and she just replies saying I am boring. I don't have the excess money she has, no one does and I don't understand why she doesn't get that.

She is super nosey and wants to know all of my other friends business- I refuse to tell her and get the silent treatment for a week. I had an argument with my partner and didn't tell her- I then got a 2 paragraph rant about how best friends tell each other everything and I am obviously not her best friend- again...what the hell, we are 34. Next time something happened I mentioned it to her and said oh yeah you know rubbish morning- had a bit of a row and she replied laughing smileys and ok?????????? why would I care? She has now not spoken to me for a month since I went to a gig with one of my other friends who bought me the ticket for myself and her for my birthday present, even in group chats she blanks my replies and answers other peoples.

I am so confused as to what is happening. I have asked if she is ok, she is never left out of anything, she is round mine a couple of times a week (not for the last month) and she is always included in any group events I have.

I have bought it up to a couple of my other friends and they have all said the exact same thing- she has always been like that with you! We have always just been polite to her because we knew how much she meant to you. They have also mentioned about how she gets funny with anyone doing better than her, if someone says about a promotion or a new house apparently she has sat there saying CONFORMING IS BORING.

Even my parents have said she has always tried holding me back with her 'ways'.

I don't know if I am being an utter cow and making her feel left out or if I am just growing up and doing life and because she isn't she now has a problem with me?

Sorry, I know it is ridiculously petty.

OP posts:

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 07/12/2022 10:17

The problem is very much at her end, not yours.

Obviously we don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from what you’ve written, she sounds awful and she’s not your friend.

It’s shit to lose a friend though so I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Original poster

Kay6543 · 07/12/2022 10:21

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 07/12/2022 10:17

The problem is very much at her end, not yours.

Obviously we don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from what you’ve written, she sounds awful and she’s not your friend.

It’s shit to lose a friend though so I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

I am wondering if she thinks I am spending too much time being a mum and wife and not leaving enough time for her? But I have about 10 other close friends whom I have never had any of these issues with ever and I have known them all 12 plus years.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 07/12/2022 10:21

Your last paragraph sums it up, apart from you are not being a cow.
Looks like she has always been this way, but you didn't see it. Your other friends see it and now as the gulf between you widens, its getting more obvious.
You are both on different paths now, just accept it. Perhaps post a bit less often about what you are up to without her, just so she gets less opportunity to post something negative. It's not essential to post everything you do in life. If she keeps being negative, unfollow her or even block, that sends a clear message. Yes, you will feel sad about it, but she's brought it on herself.

Sadbeigechildren · 07/12/2022 10:23

Something about your circumstances must have changed for her to step so far over the line. In any case, no one seems to think she is a good friend so I would stop worrying and be thankful it has all come to a natural end.

Bigbadfish · 07/12/2022 10:27

She peaked in school and now can see what a failure she is in adulthood compared to her friends. So she returns to the mindset where she peaked.

Itssooooocold · 07/12/2022 10:27

She sounds unbelievably immature. Now the scales have dropped from your eyes you will notice her ludicrous behaviour more and more. I'd give her a massive swerve and stop trying to justify your life to her all the time.

Woodenwonder · 07/12/2022 10:35

I think sometimes friendships, like any other kind of relationship, have quite simply run their course. Its hard but it's life. You seem to be slowing phasing each other out as you're in very different life phases, let it gently go if need be.

ClaryFairchild · 07/12/2022 10:37

I how have you not told her to grow up when she makes these ridiculous comments? She sounds like a child in an adult body.

She is acting like a spoilt brat and you are giving her tantrums too much air time. She throws a tantrum, ignore it and her.

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/12/2022 10:45

I had a friend like that. The scales fell when she made a disparaging remark about my wedding dress, which let me know that she and her mother had been discussing that I would probably get a dress like that. I thought it was a change in her, family and friends gently hinted that they had always known she could be great fun, but was not really a nice, kind person.

Ellie56 · 07/12/2022 10:49

The problem here is you've grown up along with all your other friends and she hasn't. She's not going to change so I would start backing off. Stop messaging every day, cut back on the Instagram posts and just get on with your grown up life.

Georgeskitchen · 07/12/2022 10:50

I'm struggling understand why you are still entertaining this horror.
She sounds very draining and not worth the head space.
I would be sending her a curt message informing her I'm not happy with her behaviour towards me and ending the friendship.
Then block on all channels

Cherrysoup · 07/12/2022 19:49

I know you must be really hurt, but she sounds incredibly childish. I’d say you’ve grown apart and you’re no longer close. She sounds jealous of you having other friends and seems to have sabotaged the friendship quite deliberately. I don’t see how you can recover from this, even if she came begging. Would you want her to, anyway, after all her odd behaviour?

TheTartfulLodger · 07/12/2022 20:22

She does sound like a bit of an arsehole to be honest. Your own parents tell you she's always tried to hold you back. This is not friendship. Maybe that's the problem, you mistook her for a friend that she never really was.

billy1966 · 07/12/2022 21:28

Sounds like your parents have had the measure of her.

She is not your friend.

Phase her out, block her, cease answering her texts, whatever, but stop entertaining her.

She doesn't wish you well or wish you well.

Get on with your life.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2022 23:15

She's not your friend.

I'd say this one is a standard narcissist or similar cluster b personaality op. They made themselves really obvious when they constantly try to shit on your happiness.

Run. And ffs, don't share anything more of your information or friends info with her.

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2022 04:08

You probably outgrew her years ago but you can’t quite seem to let go. Her immaturity has probably been indulged over the years and there was probably no incentive to become of an adult.

Theladyinred · 08/12/2022 04:18

She sounds like a drama llama and when the attention isn't all on her she doesn't like it!
I think you need to leave her to her childish ways and you will probably see in Time how toxic she is and how she doesn't really bring much to your life .

Olivred · 08/12/2022 05:16

This is not a friend. Step away and don't engage anymore.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 05:24

I thought maybe she was mm having a breakdown and was going to suggest you meet her for a coffee one to one to see if she really is okay but from the rest of your post it seems like she's always been like this, you just haven't seen it yourself until more recently?

I'd find it hard to want to keep her in my life. I cut out a friend who was similar to yours when she took a huff one day, stopped speaking to me and I just took the opportunity to not reinitiate contact. This sounds like a good time for you to do similar, and block her from your social media posts too.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 08/12/2022 05:42

She sounds like an unbelievably tedious person and I can't imagine why you still want her around other than habit?

Judgyjudgy · 08/12/2022 05:49

I think if you value the friendship then you should ask her if you have done something wrong giving her specific examples like on here. Maybe you have done something and haven't realised. Otherwise perhaps you have drifted apart and the friendship has run its course, in which case start to phase her out. I suspect she is jealous, maybe not about you specifically but that she still lives at home etc and imagined something different for herself at this age. You sound very close, so I think you should just talk to her about it.

autienotnaughty · 08/12/2022 12:30

You could sit her down and have it out with her to see if here you both stand. Otherwise I'd dial the friendship back, stop including her and don't drop everything for her.

Lostatseawithnolighthouse · 08/12/2022 12:39

She sounds like hard work. Let her go. However, please be aware that many people treat childless people as younger than their years and it is highly irritating. It almost sounds like you do that in your comments about being a wife and mother. Her life is just different to yours. I'm not saying you do treat her as 'young' but lots of people do that to people who don't have children and aren't married. They also treat them like they're just not 'sorted' with life which isn't necessarily the case. I'm probably just venting my own frustrations here however.

Original poster

Kay6543 · 08/12/2022 12:52

Lostatseawithnolighthouse · 08/12/2022 12:39

I get that, but it is not the case. I have 4 other friends in my friendship circle with no kids and partners. Then there are single parents both male and female and husbands and wives. Never had any issue with them. She has stopped talking to another member of the friendship circle now as she has offended them with her comments about her child's photos on facebook- so it seem's it is not just me she is aiming it at. I only put the bit in about living at home as she thinks because she has tons of spare money everyone else should- which isn't the case unfortunately.

OP posts:

theemmadilemma · 08/12/2022 13:15

You've (and your other childless friends) grown up, she hasn't. It's that simple in reality. That's made you grow apart.

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