How do I set boundaries?? People pleaser.

[Lajumelle1]

This isn't so much an AIBU post but more of a how do I deal with this post. I am an eternal people pleaser and am trying to work on my boundaries!!

To summarise, my friend (not close friend although we do get on very well) took on a job/promotion of her own volition that is based around 100 miles from her home address which is where I happen to live. She messaged me before she started asking if during the training period she could stay with me 'the occasional night' which would be over 4 weeks. Apparently, it was wfh after that.

I am single atm but really value my personal space and honestly need it for my mental health. I said yes as I thought that 4 weeks would be manageable even though it was outside my comfort zone.

It turns out that she underestimated the amount she would be expected to be present in the office and has now asked about paying me on a nightly basis to stay at mine 3 nights a week. So, she isn't taking advantage by the fact she is wanting to pay me. HOWEVER,
I really love living by myself atm after a couple of abusive relationships and it's not a matter of money for me. I am happy to pay my full rent and have my evenings free and on my terms. I also find that while she is staying I feel the need to have nice food in whereas I normally make do with very simple dinners.

This is really stressing me out and it seems that just because I live alone she thinks this arrangement can go on for the foreseeable future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to deal with this.

I know I am going to feel guilty whatever the outcome.

I would absolutely hate this! I think from what you say you do know what you can't cope with - never mind the reality of it, you are stressed out at even the thought!! I've started trying to use 'I'm sorry but that wouldn't work for me.' Having a set line without needing to explain why has helped me. Like you, I have a tendency to people please, but when something is so far out of my comfort zone, as this sounds it would be for you, it can be easier to say no!

Many people would feel similar op

send a polite message

hi friend, I’ve been thinking about what you said regarding staying over becoming more permanent but I’m afraid that it wouldn’t work for me going forward. I hope you manage to get something sorted. Xxx

op no one takes a job 100 miles from home as they have no accommodation!!!! It’s not feasible and it’s a silly idea so she should either find a room share elsewhere or move

There is a book called ‘the power of no’. I can’t remember who it’s by. It’s a super easy read and I found it very empowering. I’m a natural people pleaser (mid 40s). I inconvenience myself regularly to suit other people. In the last few years I’ve started saying no. And they sky hasn’t fallen in. The first time I consciously did it was a work request. The reply I got back was ‘ok. That’s fine’, and there were no consequences. It was an amazing feeling. It’s still a work in progress, and I do still inconvenience myself if the outcome is something I want, but my own MH is so much better for it.

Just say no, op. If she kicks off or drops you over it, she's not much of a mate anyway.

"Dear friend, I'm afraid this isn't possible. I was happy enough helping out over the training period, but i'm not open to a long term, regular arrangement like this. Sorry to disappoint you, I hope you find a suitable alternative. "

I think as a temporary measure, yes but for her to ask to stay at yours long term is a bit cheeky (even though she’s paying you). Having a guest over can be quite draining, even if they help you and aren’t any trouble etc. I find you usually can’t be yourself, and make this a permanent thing is still a bit of a burden in my opinion.

You can be honest and say you’re not able to make it a permanent arrangement, and just leave it at that? Offer her some alternative places to
look at if she’s not familiar with the area etc if you want to be helpful. If she’s a decent friend she would understand why this is a very big ask.

Or…you can come up with a excuse as to why not. But I can’t think of one 😝

The key to changing people-pleasing tendencies is to realise/accept that you actually experience an unhealthy level of guilt and anyone taking advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies (or feeling angry when you apply boundaries) actually experiences an unhealthy level of entitlement.

In setting firmer boundaries you are enabling both yourself and the other person to move towards healthier states of being.

I really think that if you just tell your friend - "Hey, I'm so sorry but that's not going to work for me. It's been lovely seeing you during the training period but in the bigger picture I like and need to have my own space. I won't be able to have you three nights a week, sorry." - then the most likely outcome is that she'll say, "Oh okay, no worries, I know it was a huge ask!"

If she moans and pressures you through guilt ("But I've got nowhere else and I'll lose my job!") then you have to recognise that she's actually behaving in a hugely entitled way. Most people would never consider taking a job so far from their home, or if they realised they'd gotten it wrong about how much they need to be in the office, would take it on the chin as their own mistake to fix, rather than putting pressure on a friend.

Entitled people may not like boundaries, but they need other people to apply them if they are going to learn to behave like reasonable human beings.

@CheekyHobson Thanks so much for your reply. Extremely helpful considering how I'm feeling atm.

Given this evening's turn of events I am inclined to think that she will fall out with me over this. She suggested us going to a Christmas Market in the city centre tomorrow which actually doesn't suit me/I don't want to tomorrow evening. I suggested Thursday evening as I will be working from the office that day and it will be convenient for me. Her reply was OK fine but that she was hoping that on Thursday evening I would be able to help her with her tan for her Christmas do on Friday. I actually don't even know what to reply to that.

Refer her to nine to five dot com or spare room and she'll quickly find an alternative host.

I’ve had friends to stay in similar circumstances, but no matter how lovely they were, I was a bit relieved when they moved on. I wouldn’t do the same for someone who wasn’t dear to me.

@CheekyHobson Thanks so much for your reply. Extremely helpful considering how I'm feeling atm.

In light of your most recent post, your friend does sound rather entitled.

Perhaps spend a bit of time repeating things to yourself like

• It's [friend's] responsibility to create a solution to [friend's] work problems, it's my responsibility to create a solution to my work problems
• It's [friend's] responsibility to take care of [friend's] own self-care, it's my responsibility to take care of my own self-care.
• It's [friend's] responsibility to manage [friend's] schedule in a way that works for her, it's my responsibility to manage my schedule in a way that works for me.

You do not owe anyone anything that cannot give freely and happily with no expectation of return obligation on the other person's side, or that the other person values the same things as you do.

Of course, if you find there is very little that you are able to give freely and happily to others, you will probably have to accept that only a very limited number of people will be keen to be friends with you or a potential partner for you. You cannot feel entitled to more from others than you are willing to contribute yourself.

However, I imagine that is likely to be much more of a problem for your friend than for you. She sounds like she feels entitled to a great deal of generosity and flexibility from her friends without having much ability or willingness to give the same in return.

give her a fortnights notice.

On a more general note than this person who seems to think you exist to meet her needs, why do you think you ought to meet her needs?

And how would you define what a boundary is?

And how/when did you learn that people pleasing was the best way forward for you?

It can help to break stuff down, sometimes, to work out the crux of the problem. Then it's easier to solve.

I understand your feelings of guilt having been a (former!) people pleaser myself. It takes time but lots of reading and understanding the underlying causes does help to overcome this over time.

I understand your predicament OP, I really do.
You've thought it through - please say no, @category12 has given you some really good wording (although I might not say the sorry to disappoint part, now that you've posted that update re her cheeky tan request!!!)
This is her problem to sort - don't make it yours, you've nothing to feel guilty about. You're totally entitled to your own space and peace in the evenings.