I don't know what to do with these thoughts I'm having about my marriage. HELP

[DisneyChops]

Posted in relationships because it's most relevant (I think).
Is long, sorry.

Context: I've been married for 6 years, together 14 years. One DD, 3 years old.

We got together young (me 19, him 21) and being brutally honest, thinking back I feel like I settled quite quickly because I didn't feel like I would find anyone else as fab as him. We had shared interests, he had his own house, car, he was ambitious, a good job, we just had such a good time together. He was by no means 'rich' by the way, it wasn't about that. I just loved the fact that he was ambitious and independent, which was a far cry from my exbf I'd split up with a couple of months earlier. I found that attractive. He felt like the ideal man. The problem is though I've never found him 'sex on legs' particularly. I've never thought 'phwoar' but I've always brushed that aside and looked at the bigger picture.

Problem is, as time went on (alot of it), this niggling feeling of not finding him 'hot' has never quite gone away. We don't have sex that often, probably for that reason, and the longer we go without it the more awkward intimacy feels. But then when we do have sex, it doesn't feel awkward or weird, I think it's just because it's been a while, if that makes sense. Everytime I've thought about it I've brushed it aside and told myself it's not all about looks, etc etc. So because of this we went on to get married, had a baby etc.

The problem now is that I'm currently struggling with my mental health. I'm feeling very low at the moment. I've always had problems with MH, low confidence, low self-esteem. My job is really shit at the moment, I'm not enjoying it, and I find it hard to keep up with that, looking after our 3 year old, keeping on top of the house. Life just feels a bit 'meh' at the moment.

When this happens, what also happens is every negative thought I've ever had comes to the surface, and the thoughts about my marriage make themselves very known. I can't stop thinking about how he looks, comparing him to other men. I feel so awful even typing that. I well and truly have the 'ick' and I desperately don't want any of these thoughts. I want them to all go away and I just want to enjoy my marriage because he ticks every other box. Sure I could ditch him for a hot guy, but at what cost? I WANT to fancy him, I want to think 'phwoar', but I just don't. And I feel awful for it.

I don't want to end my marriage for this reason, but part of me is telling me I should because it 'isn't right'. It's clearly bothering me, so clearly my feelings are valid, even though I don't want them??
So basically my question is this:
if negative thoughts about your marriage keep bothering you, and don't go away, does that mean I have to pay attention to them, even though I don't want to? Do I need to face up to the fact that my marriage is over, even though I really don't want it to be?

How do I feel content/fulfilled in my marriage and stop being so damn shallow? I'd be throwing away so much and it'd come back to bite me when I realise how stupid I've been.
Thanks for reading.

Have you tried reconnecting with your husband? Sometimes if I’m feeling a bit disconnected I put the time and effort into reconnecting and I feel closer to him again. What do you enjoy doing together? Can you make time or a date night to go out? And if you bought him a new outfit or at least went somewhere fancy so he wore a nice shirt and jeans would that be better?

I get into these funks too so I know what you mean about every negative thought. Be mindful about how much time and attention you’re giving these thoughts and how they in turn make you feel… which then makes you have more negative thoughts! I always found a calcium, magnesium, vitamin D supplement does a lot to lift my mood especially in winter!

A few times in my current relationship I’ve met and connected with other men as part of my job, easily something could have happened. Instead I’ve tried to reconnect with my partner/husband as is now and been grateful for it. Unless there are fundamental issues the grass isn’t always greener and I’ve always felt fine after some quality time together.

Also, if you get into a bit of ‘is that all there is’ about life I find the best thing is reconnecting with people from spouse to friends to perk you up.

Hope that helps, don’t envy you. Thinking of ending a relationship is so stressful!

Would you retreat it though?

or will you regret reaching old age and looking back realising you never experienced real love and passion?

*regret not retreat!

Sorry but looks fade.

if you find him repulsive then I guess you might aswell split up!

I think you’ve identified these feelings are more intense because of your mental health. That’s never a good time to make decisions. Focus on boosting on mental health, confidence and self esteems. Only you know how high up on your priorities finding your DH attractive is. What are the other qualities? Dependable, loyal, fun to be around, good father, supportive husband? There is so much more to a relationship than sex - but it sounds like a deal breaker for you with how you currently feel. But that could change if you address your mental health. If you are disconnecting because of this you may drift apart

Thank you for all your responses.
@Whatnext1234 no I know, but it's hard to boost my mental health when I'm having these thoughts. It's why I feel like I'm in a rut.

It seems very high on my priorities, but I don't want it to be. He's dependable, loyal, fun to be around, good father, everything you've mentioned. He's worlds apart from some of the DHs I read about on here.

@Quitelikeit I'm more likely to regret ending it, I think. I feel like I'm taking for granted the many, many good qualities he has, and I perhaps won't realise this until I end up in another relationship with someone who lacks these.

Sorry was meant to quote @Newusernameaug there.

What is the rest of your relationship like?
Do you work as a team to manage the challenges of life? Can you share your struggles and feel supported and encouraged by him when you speak to him?
Is there equality across the areas of your shared life - financial, free time, socialising, parenting, running the household?
Lots of factors affect your attraction to your partner, his kindness warmth, doing thoughtful things for you... Equality and mutual respect are very important.
Does he listen and try to attune to you?

While it may be that at a base level you simply aren't attracted to him, attraction is so much more then looks and you've mentioned several other things that may be putting the 'brakes' on - things that put the brakes on are too much stress, being overwhelmed by responsibilities, difficulties in relationship, etc. You can't just slam your foot on the accelerator to ignite your desire you need to take your foot off the brakes too. (This is Emily Nagoski's model, from her excellent book Come As You Are).

@SwimInTheRain thank you for your insightful reply.
We do work quite well as a team I think. I find it hard to communicate struggles though to be honest. I find it hard to put the words together.
I'm the sort who bottles up a lot of things and I scream about stuff in my head, but yet I can't say it out loud.
For example if there's an unreasonable request from my boss at work, in my head I'd be thinking 'no way, I'm not doing that' with a million reasons why, but I couldn't verbalise that out loud and would end up just agreeing to it, because it's easier. I'm similar with my hubby. I don't like to communicate problems or struggles because of how it would sound, in case I'm wrong, or because I don't want an argument. Plus I feel like if I verbalised everything I'd be constantly moaning, or negative (and he has said this before).
So I'm dealing with all these thoughts myself, which is incredibly hard.

He earns a huge amount more than me which I've always resented. I work my backside off for a fraction of what he gets. It annoys me to no end. It's not his fault, but it does leave me feeling quite reliant on him which doesn't sit right with me.
I resent having to do most of the housework with me working part time, but I signed up for that really going part time.

We don't really spend much actual time together either. Our lives revolve around our daughter. She's at a tricky and needy stage.

I think you do need to attend to your thoughts about your marriage, but that doesn’t mean ending it.

Your mental health is struggling, I’d work on that first because negative thoughts about all kinds of things tend to surface when MH is an issue. Job stress can also seep into other parts of your life in an “everything’s shite” kind of way so having a plan to look at your job/career might help alleviate the MH issues, and is more easily tackled than leaving your marriage.

In terms of your marriage, I’d compartmentalise that as something to give decent consideration to once you’re on a more even keel generally. Sex when it’s going well is thought to be a small part of what makes a relationship work, but when it’s not going well, or simply not happening, it takes on a life of its own and can become all consuming. Maybe think about what it would look like if you did find your DH “hot”, what would be different? More sex, more imaginative sex, deeper connection? Basically think about what you’re missing and whether there’s a way to bring that to your marriage (if your DH is willing), you may find you’re looking for an illusion (perma-hot partner) or that there’s something you really do need that he can’t meet. Then you have a good place to think about any changes but work on your mental health first.

I don't like to communicate problems or struggles because of how it would sound, in case I'm wrong, or because I don't want an argument.

This bit belongs to you - he can’t know what you need if you don’t tell him, it may hurt him, or cause an argument but better that than seething resentment, which is deadly in relationships. I wonder if therapy might help you find your voice and process some of your thoughts and feelings.

Objectively are you the kind of woman that men would go "phwoar" at? Do you/did you ever love him? I think the answers to those questions do matter. The last one more so.

Objestively my husband isn't someone you would notice, but I grew to love and fancy him. He is in his mid 60's now and has aged well. After nearly 40 years together he is easily more attractive than I am. However I married him because he is a genuinely lovely person and my best friend and enhances my life.

Looks are fleeting, but if you've never fancied him then I suppose that is an issue.

I think if you have never really had the hots for him, you never will. It is also possible that the way you feel about your relationship is impacting on your mental health.

Not sure what the answer is though. You met and married very young. How old are you now?

@Kirytl perhaps. This is the problem I'm not sure if it's mental health affecting the way I feel, or the way I feel impacting my MH. I think it's both really, because the fact that I have these thoughts lowers my mood. Once I start thinking things like 'maybe I should leave' it makes me feel really low. I don't feel relief, I just feel dread because I don't want to feel that way.

I'm the sort who bottles up a lot of things and I scream about stuff in my head, but yet I can't say it out loud.

if I verbalised everything I'd be constantly moaning, or negative (and he has said this before)

OP, I really feel for you. I used to be like this, unable to express my needs and wants or set boundaries (actually I didn't even know what boundaries were!)

The problem is that when you just sit there and swallow your feelings and smile and say "Sure no problem, it's fine" while silently seething - when you finally DO say something, it's like a dam bursting and all that pent up misery and anger comes out at once, which the person receiving it can (quite fairly) feel completely overwhelmed by.

Clues that this is happening: you hear yourself saying things like "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS..." Objectively "never" and "always" are unlikely to be true!

I try to follow the principles of assertive language which are to state a specific behaviour/problem and only talk about your feelings about it, not ascribe feelings to the other person. EG instead of saying "You NEVER make me a cup of tea! You obviously hate me!" try saying "You know, when you make yourself a cup of tea and don't offer me one, it makes me feel sad. I offer to make you a tea because I love you."

Hope that doesn't sound patronising!

I'm focusing on that, because I honestly think the "I don't fancy my husband" is more of a red herring than anything else. I think if you can state your needs and experience having them met (or at least a constructive discussion about it) this issue may very well fade completely.

You talk a lot about him ticking all the right boxes, and not fancying him, but not about loving him. He's fab and you get on well, but do you have those warm loving feelings for him?

Ok OP breathe.

So I am going to be brutally honest here because I think you are spiralling and might mess up.

You are a part time mum, with MH issues, all you have mentioned is this "I find him hot" feeling. How hot are you? If you left would you have numerous options hot options falling at your feet?

There is usually, much better romantic relations with someone who you know and loves you not a hot booty call.

Your thoughts are just in your head.

On a lighter note even George Clooney married up!

If you spiral around fantasy in your head you are going to miss what is right in front of you.

If your marriage as a stand alone item is over, it's over. But if it's only over because you think you will waltz off into the sunset with a hotty who gives you not just all the hots you think are missing but laughter, trust and money as well then you might fall to earth with a bump.

My Mr earns all the cash (I do all the domestic work) but it's our cash, our house, our kids. Being resentful of a higher earning spouse to me makes no sense. Better surely than having a lesser household income.

If you are being influenced on social media that other relationships are soblessed online it's largely false.

So take a step back. Look at yourself honestly. You sound full of resentment and unrealistic goals of a partner. And then talk to your husband, father of your child.

This is normal life.

You are basically deficient in self love. Perfect he seems to be really agreeable it’s kind of temporarily making a lot better, seems like you’re agreeing with your boss but actually he’s a big scheme of things, you’re not showing any identity, which only compound is your problem of low self esteem. Which fits everything is really need to fix how you feel about yourself and to gain some control over your life, perhaps do some things you like.

I really don’t think destroying your kids life by leaving your husband is gonna do you any favours, you need to take charge of your life more than you need to take charge of any sort of relationship. I think you actually Happy within yourself you will not even think about your husband. Perhaps the way you feel about him is more to do with the fact that he doesn’t pay you as much attention as he would’ve done at the beginning of the relationship which is completely understandable for all of us. I mean this in the nicest way. Because it seems to me that you are codependent on what somebody else feels about you. It should be more about how you feel within yourself and are you actually position to form any meaningful connections and that includes very close family.