You tell me..

[magicdust34]

So I'm new here so please excuse this long winded post..

I've been with DP for 6 years.. We've 3 children between us. DS( biologically mine), DD (biologically his) and our DS

It's been seriously toxic at times, he's always emotionally abused me, putting me down, constant arguments, jealously (on both parts), I suffered with pre and post natal depression & 2 miscarriages.
Life at times was pretty s**t.

I've threatened to leave so many times but never left for more than 2 weeks.
I honestly feel such shame for staying and allowing my children to become embroiled in our s**t show.
There are things that I wish I could've done better, not said or have done.

Last year just before Christmas I ended our relationship. It was over. A few days later I went out with my friend and spent the night with another man.
I honestly didn't instantly regret it, I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed this new found confidence which has been pushed further and further down over the years.
Anyway, he found out, went through my phone, calling me every name under the sun, smashed my phone and left.
We got back together after Christmas and I vowed to never do anything like that again.. I've never done it before and wouldn't again.
I wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt me.

And as predicted he doesn't trust me and within this year has isolated me away from friends and family.. He gets the hump whenever I leave the house without him, he looks over my shoulder when I'm on my phone, he makes me believe I'm going mad 'it's all in my head' , he'd never disrespect me like I have him, he says my friends and family are a bad influence, he hated me going through therapy, he criticises everything.
All horrible things are said in arguments, so he doesn't mean it right?
Don't get me wrong in anyway, I have said some really nasty things, I've done horrible things, I am in no way perfect.
I've really tried to improve our relationship ,I've gone through therapy, I started antidepressants, Im trying to turn myself into a better more healthy minded person. I've suffered with anxiety and depression over the years and so has he more recently.

Anyway.. The other night he made a comment about my appearance, he's never mentioned my appearance/ what I'm wearing, before. This one's new.
This is kinda the last straw for me..

What am I in here? I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I honestly don't think he does either but for some reason we can't part..

Pathetic. Put your children first.

Blunt I know but that's my genuine reaction when people put their own shagging and drama above their children's welfare.

for some reason we can’t part

Agree with a PP - Please stop this “oh it’s out of my hands, we just can’t help being together” bullshit and, for once, put your children first instead of yourself.

What a disgusting toxic environment you’re both choosing to bring them up in. They are the only ones I feel any sympathy for in this.

"You tell me"

Okay. You need to leave this appalling and irretrievably broken-down relationship once and for all.

Leave…focus on your children. Set contact arrangement via email, try to be calm amd impersonal and don’t engage

but for some reason we can't part

This isn't some romantic fairytale where you two are meant to be. It's toxic and horrible.

You're not happy.

He's not happy.

Most importantly, the children are doubtless unhappy.

This relationship is damaging all 5 of you.

It's almost irrelevant who did what or was nastiest or is to blame. It doesn't matter anymore.

You have to separate permanently.

If you don't, you are to blame for your children's unhappiness and who knows what other emotional problems.

From experience, he will gaslight you, use the children as weapons, make malicious calls to SS, date people to annoy you, go for full custody which he doesn’t want to annoy you, not turn up for contact to annoy you and generally unleash a torrent of toxic energy which the kids get damaged by.

The only way he will stop is if he gets no reaction. So don’t badmouth him, make friends, take up hobbies, work and love your kids. Wait for him to get bored and turn his energies to someone else.

you do not want to look back in ten years and realise you emotionally damaged your kids by letting him wind you all up..

That feeling of not being able to part is called trauma bonding. I'd suggest you have a quick look and educate yourself on it. He is abusive. By sticking around you are exposing your collective children to abuse and teaching them that thus is normal/ acceptable.
Please find a way to leave. Seek support in staying away. The longer you're out, the weaker the bond will be. You'll see things more clearly. The freedom programme is definitely worth doing.
Do you have any local domestic abuse agencies that can assist you? If not try the national domestic abuse helpline for some advice.
Honestly, nothing feels as good as freedom and your life will improve 100 fold without him and the toxic situation you are in

For God's sake, will you think about your CHILDREN in this? Nobody cares about your sex life or this pathetic la-di-dah "we can't seem to part" thing. YOU can part. And you absolutely should, because your children will be the ones to suffer

You can part. You absolutely can. Your relationship is utterly dysfunctional and your kids deserve better.

No one is going to tell you it will get better because it won't. The only question is how long will it take.

Op, I stayed in a relationship like this for 12 years. My eldest is quite seriously damaged due to it and my son has some issues. If I could go back, I would have left sooner, I feel guilty almost constantly and my daughter is understandably not my biggest fan.

Finally ending it was horrific but it's been two years now and I'm a lot better in myself, and as a parent, though I am not perfect. Do not do to your kids what I have done to mine.

Love isn't enough sometimes

Oh course you can part, you've done it before. Stop making excuses and start putting your kids first. Their lives must be hell living in this toxic shit show.

Poor kids. Why do you and this specimen you're with have the right to fuck up their future mental health? That's what you're going to do.

There's better cock than that out there.

Go and find it during the times your kid is with their father, rather than putting all of you, the children particularly, through this shit.