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Original poster

Should I tell her?

23 replies

Mulan19 · 06/12/2022 13:20

Ill try to keep this breif...
I have a 6 month old baby with my ex partner of 4 years. I found out he was cheating on me when baby was 8 weeks old. We separated and he moved out. He has admitted he isn't happy with his new partner (the OW) but felt he needed to "fill a void" after I ended things.

We have had ups and downs since which I think is expected (I was extremely hurt!) We have since tried to get on for the sake of our baby.

He's been coming over to see baby, do bedtime etc. We have met up for coffee, soft play etc. 2 weeks ago, he came over and told me he didnt want to be with OH and admitted hes made a monumental cock up. We chatted and one thing led to another and we did the deed.

He's since been over a few more times, kissed me when leaving, very touchy, texting all the time etc (daft of me I know, I had no intention of getting back with him but it felt good to feel wanted again).

I've found out they are very much still together, she's moved in with him, and they're currently on holiday together.

Should I tell her? I have no loyalty to her after what they both put me through, but i can't shake the feeling he doesn't deserve to lead this double life and get away with it everytime! I also know that's the wrong motivation to tell her. What would you do?

OP posts:
Darknightforecoming · 06/12/2022 13:24

First thought was tell her. Second thought was don’t. You priority is your baby, and maintaining a decent functional relationship with their father for the next 18 years. For your child’s sake and yours.

Be better with your boundaries with him, absolutely no touching or kissing, he’s enjoying that power play.

He’s a cheat and he’ll cheat on her with someone else sooner or later.

SNWannabe · 06/12/2022 13:27

I'd message her and say
"Im so sorry, I know how it feels to be cheated on by John and I didn't mean to do it to you...I hope you can move on from him as I have realised after us sleeping together last weekend what an absolute bellend he is and both you and I deserve better. I wanted you to know though, as it really hurt me when you slept with him behind my back..."

Frazzledmummy123 · 06/12/2022 13:28

I can understand why you would want to, but personally I'd leave it. You owe her nothing and he'll no doubt be at it with somwone else soon enough (when a man dates his mistress it creates a vacancy... ), let the shit hit the fan for him then and it be nothing to do with you. Can you be bothered with the aggro it'd cause if you told her?

Obv distance yourself from him and keep communication to a minimum, only when needed for access to your baby. You deserve better!

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 13:34

Telling her for what gain? In the hope that you can have him to yourself? You seem to have overlooked the fact what you did is no different. One thing doesn't lead to another. You slept with him knowing full well they were together and you probably didn't care because she did it to you. What if he fucks you both off?

Longtimedead123 · 06/12/2022 13:36

I’d covertly record a conversation with him about it . Then ‘bank’ that file somewhere incase you need some leverage over him in the future . Next , I’d arrange for him to have baby for an evening and I’d be off out to a event/gig/sport that interested me in the hope of meeting Mr New Cute Guy to start a sensible steady romance with. Keep knobhead ex civil and useful while you go find a new love interest. That’s the best outcome.

user1478639495 · 06/12/2022 13:36

Nah don't say anything. Focus on rising above all this for the sake of your child. I'm annoyed that he has managed to get you in bed again after everything he done but I am not judging as I've been there myself and the feeling of being wanted again takes over.
Don't go back there just think he's having his cake and eating it, it's taking the p* out of both of you, leave him to the ow she'll find out what he's like soon enough I'm sure. Don't let him touch you or kiss you anymore strictly only discuss your child etc like you were, your boundaries will make him try harder just be ready for that, it's human nature I feel the harder you are to get the more he'll want you, but just remember while your waisting time on him and did respecting yourself, your losing out on the chance to meet someone you truly deserve. All the best!

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 13:37

SNWannabe · 06/12/2022 13:27

I'd message her and say
"Im so sorry, I know how it feels to be cheated on by John and I didn't mean to do it to you...I hope you can move on from him as I have realised after us sleeping together last weekend what an absolute bellend he is and both you and I deserve better. I wanted you to know though, as it really hurt me when you slept with him behind my back..."

Because that doesn't smack of tit for that in the least and makes her look really emotionally mature..

Original poster
Mulan19 · 06/12/2022 14:30

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 13:34

Telling her for what gain? In the hope that you can have him to yourself? You seem to have overlooked the fact what you did is no different. One thing doesn't lead to another. You slept with him knowing full well they were together and you probably didn't care because she did it to you. What if he fucks you both off?

I mean arguably it's slightly different. She isn't at home with an 8 week old baby while I'm encouraging him to leave her, 2 months postpartum as a first time mum. But I do see where you're coming from.

As I said I have no intention of getting back with him and certainly dont want him to myself. I just feel he gets to fuck everyone over repeatedly and gets away with it which seems unjust, but that is my only motivation I guess which isn't a strong one and certainly doesn't override the need to get on with him for the sake of the baby

OP posts:
Wellitjustgetsworse · 06/12/2022 17:12

Record a conversation like others have said you owe her nothing but may come in handy one day..

Don't do anything again though that can't feel good knowing you been played again.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/12/2022 17:43

As much as I'd love to say drop the oily little scrote in the shit, I think for the sake of amicable co-parenting you have to take the high road here.

sammylady37 · 06/12/2022 17:47

Longtimedead123 · 06/12/2022 13:36

I’d covertly record a conversation with him about it . Then ‘bank’ that file somewhere incase you need some leverage over him in the future . Next , I’d arrange for him to have baby for an evening and I’d be off out to a event/gig/sport that interested me in the hope of meeting Mr New Cute Guy to start a sensible steady romance with. Keep knobhead ex civil and useful while you go find a new love interest. That’s the best outcome.

Ah, blackmail. Lovely.

Crazypaving22 · 06/12/2022 18:02

Classic case of triangulation, you and this woman are just good sport for this guy and while you're both fighting for his attention he's getting heaps of ego kibbles. He must think he's some kind of Adonis!

I am always for absolute truth IF the woman doesn't know the risks she's facing. But this guy cheated on his partner while she had a newborn, this OW/girlfriend knows exactly who she's won.

I tend to agree with the concentrate on your baby and building a good co-parenting agreement and STOP sleeping with this waste of space! Stop putting yourself at further risk.

You're worth more than this sad sack! Flowers

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 18:05

Did she know about you when they started dating?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/12/2022 18:09

No don’t tell her.

instead focus on why you found yourself in the position of having sex with someone who treated you horribly at a very vulnerable time and is also treating someone else like shit.

Get some structure and boundaries in place. Sort out him seeing his child but get space between you and him so you can move on.

Kisskiss · 06/12/2022 18:11

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/12/2022 18:09

No don’t tell her.

instead focus on why you found yourself in the position of having sex with someone who treated you horribly at a very vulnerable time and is also treating someone else like shit.

Get some structure and boundaries in place. Sort out him seeing his child but get space between you and him so you can move on.

Exactly this…

Bedazzled22 · 06/12/2022 18:11

I wouldn’t tell her either. After all, you’ve just done to her, what she has done to you.

For the sake of co parenting, I think it would be better to say nothing. If you do, he will know it’s you anyway and could make it really difficult for you and you don’t want that when you have a baby.

Snoopystick · 06/12/2022 18:17

He’s living his best life and playing you both. You need to end it or you’ll be in the same place 5 years from now and regret the time you wasted on him. I wouldn’t bother telling the other woman - although it sounds like you’d be doing her a favour if you did.

FootfallFootball · 06/12/2022 18:20

By sleeping with him you rewarded him for bad behaviour. So expect more of it

ExtraJalapenos · 06/12/2022 18:24

Be a good role model for your DD.
You don't have a claim on him, sleeping with him was very very bad on your part.
I think the best thing to do here would be to protect your DD from the inevitable fuckery that this mess will bring by keeping him at arms length and being civil.
You need to have boundaries. Just because he used to be your partner doesn't mean he can casually come over and get flirty and have sex with you.
Take a step back and look at the facts.
And no, it's not your job to tell this woman. Your ex is disgusting. He will reveal it to her himself.

2catsandhappy · 06/12/2022 18:32

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.
Stop playing games. All in or all out.

saltofcelery · 06/12/2022 18:45

Well, seeing as though he left you for her, I'm sure she has an idea that she'll be next. You have no loyalty to either of them, so I wouldn't tell her.

I know you're 8 weeks PP and it's a hard time, but stop kissing him, only message about your baby and don't involve yourself in his philandering ways.

Considering he cheated on you with her and she knew you were together and expecting a baby, they deserve each other, for however long this lasts.

user120222 · 06/12/2022 22:20

I'd tell her. People deserve to know. Even though you owe her nothing, it sounds like it would be a weight off your shoulders to tell her. And it will also stop this whole going back and forth with him.

If you don't tell her, sounds like there may be a chance there might be more secret kisses in the future, and you don't need that.

user1478639495 · 17/05/2023 19:12

Any update op? Hope all is well ☺️

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