Mum's response to separation

[Itoastthereforeiam]

'D'P and I are separating, it hasn't been a fun time and we're still living together for the time being. He has since told me he's met someone else. Tensions have been high and understandably I'm really upset but we're managing to get on ok for the sake of our daughter (aged 4). Although he has initiated this, we didn't have a great relationship and hopefully going forward we'll be able to get on well to co parent our daughter. Hoping eventually things will work out for the better and we'll be happier apart.
Throughout this my parents have been great and really supportive, however since this came out about him meeting someone else my mum has been around ranting about him within earshot of my daughter, being nasty to him in front of her, ranting to me about has he put cameras in the house to spy on me (there are security cameras on the outside of the house, as there has always been), that I need to lock my bedroom door at night in case he tries to hurt me (there has never in 7 years been any suggestion that he would hurt me physically) and the other day I attended a solicitors appointment to clarify my legal position. My mum knew the time and I had told her I didn't need her to come but she turned up, barged in and then started ranting about me being emotionally abused. It was awful.
I have since told her I need to deal with this on my own and now she's pretty much not talking to me, we went to an event at the weekend just me and her and she said very little to me. So now I feel even more alone and just hurt. I don't really know why I'm posting this or what I'm hoping for really. I love her and I know she's trying to protect me but I just wanted my mum to be able to listen and support me, not turn my life into an even bigger drama.

She hates him for causing you upset, and that is her outlet. Not saying it's right or helpful, but that is why she's acting like this.

Given you relationship with your mum was previously good, and she seems to be acting out of wanting what's best for you (albeit going around it in a terrible way) could you ask her for a chat and tell her all you've told us? Or write it down and ask her to read it.

Hopefully she will see that she's gone overboard and is doing much more harm than good, and will reign things in a bit.

However, if she has a history of being dramatic and creating chaos, that tactic probably won't work.

PS don't tell her about future solicitor meetings etc!

At least she's on your side. My mother accused me of being a useless and rubbish person who can't hold onto a man.

At least she's on your side

When I told mine and that husband had accused me of having an affair (projection on his part, as it turned out) DM's reaction was first to ask 'well, did you?' and then cry about what a useless mother she was because, presumably, I couldn't hold on to a man.

Wait until your daughter goes through her first heartbreak - your protective motherly instincts will come out too.
Although agree she should tone it down in front of your child.

Your mum is right, he is treating you like shit. Why are you living together still?

My mum's reaction was to say what a bad news, such a dissapoinmet!.
I told her in good manners that if she was so fond of him she could take him in her house. Then she started to ask why? and how?and lots of stuff. She nearly cried. My dad on the contrary said I understand, there are plenty of selfish men that they don't want to grow up.

You're mum wants to protect you but that protection can be dangerous if she overstep your boundaries. Speak with her and tell her that you will ask for help and advice if needed and also that her involvement in that way makes you feel uncomfortable.

I think you’ve just got to explain to her calmly that she is adding to your stress by behaving this way.

Your mum needs to calm down and understand that she is making a bad situation worse, albeit she is obviously deeply upset about the way your DP is treating you.
Your DP needs to move out - why on earth are you putting up with him still being under your roof when he is having an affair with someone else?

Maybe show your mum this thread, sorry to hear this as I have experienced very similar
myself and know it actually comes from a place of love but only makes thing seem worse!

You need to sit her down and tell her you need her to love you and your daughter more than she hates him and not say anything that will hurt and upset your child because he is still her father and you will not take that relationship away from her.

I would read her the riot act about her behaviour/saying negative things in front of your child. There is no excuse for that. She needs to get her shit together or else she shouldn't be around your child. Your child hearing horrible things about her father can be very, very damaging.

I hope the solicitor showed her the door.

At least she’s on your side

I don’t count not listening to her daughter and slagging off the OP’s DD’s father in her DD’s presence as being on her side. She is abusing the OP by continuing to behave in such a manner.

I suspect this isn’t the first time that your mother has overstepped your boundaries OP. You can not control how she chooses to behave but you can and should, be limiting your exposure to her outbursts if she continues to prioritise her anger.

This. My mother, as well as generally being unsympathetic (she called it 'seeing both sides') had a habit of exploding with rage and making unwanted and bad tempered interventions (not just with my marriage breakup). In that situation she took it on herself to tell the entire family the excruciating details without bothering to ask me if I was happy for my private pain to be broadcast - ironically, to get her side in first. Thanks mum - not embarrassing or hurtful at all.

Does your mum have a history of loving a bit of drama and gossip, OP?

It all sounds very me, me, me - especially barging in at the solicitors. That is incredibly overbearing, and very infantilising of you.