Death of long-estranged parent

[Laurelshell]

I'm not sure if relationships is the right place for this and I'm trying not to be too outing.

My biological father walked away from my life when I was about 4/5. He was a terrible person in many ways and my life was better because he walked away, i have exaxctly 2 memories of him and they aren't positive. I had a brilliant step dad, 3 half-siblings (hate that term, they are my brothers) and a very happy childhood. I had no involvement with family on my biological father's side, which was their choice.

I rarely gave him much thought. He was relatively local to some family members so I occasionally heard gossip about him or his other children (nothing good). I know he asked a relative about me once, but I actively discouraged any mention of him. He wouldn't have found it difficult to find me or contact me, but I wouldn't have been interested at all.

I'd go months/years without even remembering he existed. As an adult, I felt in control because I was choosing to not be in contact whereas when I was a child, he was the one in control.

Occasionally, I'd have issues with feeling rejected and I need to feel liked. When I had my own child, I wondered how any parent could walk away. And I have quite strong/harsh opinions that family members don't get a free pass to be rubbish but still get the good bits of my kids! Other than that, I don't think that his absence has impacted me.

I've been informed that he died 6 months ago. I always thought I wouldn't care and I'm not sure if I DO care, but I feel really, really strange. I can't focus on work or anything I need to do. I don't have any curiosity about him or his death but I feel very weird.

I know there's never a 'normal' way to feel in this situation but has anyone been through anything similar?

I hope he meant a bit more to somebody because it's sad to think someone might have died with no-one to care. But he definitely didn't deserve for me to care or even give it this much attention.

I have no contact with mine - can’t even give him the title of dad as he wasn’t one to me .
i wouldn’t know if he was alive or dead .

Im not sure why you are feeling the way you do - maybe you’re grieving what you never had .

My sympathies Laurel. Grieving a parent who was never a loving presence is complicated as is all grief. We don't talk about this enough as a society, estrangement is hushed up and treated as a shameful secret. There are many books and resources for adult children just like you who are navigating the death of such a parent. Be compassionate with your inner child. It may be you can now fully grieve the loss that actually happened many years ago now that he has died.

Maybe it's that element that if you had ever felt you had unfinished business with him, before his death you could have got in touch - but now that option is gone?

You had that control, and now he's kind of taken it back by dying (I know it doesn't make logical sense but sort of makes emotional sense to me?)

He was like a fixed point in your life/memory, even if not involved in it, and now that's gone, so it's bound to be discombobulating.

Would you find it helpful to talk to a counsellor? He/she would be able to help you unravel and process the various feelings you have, without judgement.

I know someone who was in similar to your situation, Op. They found out parent died several months later by coincidence. At first they were fine and then had a bit of a break down few months later. Similar to you they were sort of numb. They were determined not to cry over it but then the floodgates were opened. They spiralled for a good few months. It was heart-breaking to see.
They said even though there was no contact for may years and in their case the parent was abusive, so the no contact was for the best, they still felt a loss. They said a part of them had hoped the parent would get in touch and apologise and they might reconcile or hash it out, ending with the parent apologising and acknowledging the hurt.
Sort of like a call on death bed to say they loved their child and sorry.

They had almost successfully buried thoughts of their NC parent in their day to day life and then the news meant:

1. they could never reconciliate. That was it. Death is final. While the NC person is alive there is hope they might reconcile, the hope is completely gone now.
2. nobody informed them of their parent's death, they had to find out so nobody even cared or counted them as important to notify. (might not apply to you)
3. It brought back memories of their childhood and what went wrong, new memories started to surface and dreams got more vivid and often about this parent and their home.
4. They felt retraumatised and distraught at the reality that they have missed out on having a nice childhood with a kind parent who loved them.
5. They felt confused as to how to explain to people that they are grieving but the parent wasn't great. So they never told work or anyone apart from a couple of close people that their NC parent had died. They felt alone and that their pain is not justified since they were NC for years and the parent was abusive.

Not everyone understands all this and NOT EVERYONE who is NC will experience these feelings. Some say they felt indifferent or relief. Some even said they were happier and felt free for it. My advice is not to numb the feelings away or try to bury them. Feel your feelings, process them in a journal or to a good therapist experienced in your kind of loss.

💐I am sorry for your loss of your father and who he could have been to you. I am sorry that he is affecting you in life and death. You are not alone, there are people who can relate out there.

I have experienced similar and felt the same way; I can't say if you're normal but you are definitely not alone! I took the week off work and think I spent most of it just sitting and staring into space.

@MajorM has described a lot of the feelings.

I remember feeling so guilty about the sympathy I received from friends and colleagues. I felt like I didn't deserve to grieve and certainly didn't deserve anyone's kindness or condolences.

Its not the same as the loss of someone you adore but it's a loss all the same and I'm sorry you have experienced it. Please allow yourself to feel it however you want to OP, there are no rules.

I am not NC with my DF but some of the comments resonate with me. He has dementia and is deteriorating fast. He has not been a kind or loving father, he has been spiteful and doe right nasty, I cant ever remember a hug or an I love you from him.

He enjoys hurting people and is excellent at gaslighting. Yet I just don't know what to say, I have people saying how sad they are for me watching my DF suffering and how its "always nice people who suffer" and I feel such a fraud, I've taken to just quietly agreeing.

I dont know how I feel as I have so many emotions anger, loss, hurt and jealousy of those that had a DF who loved them. It would never have been worth trying to tell him how I feel, I would be gaslighted straight away and told I'm imagining things or he would become aggressive.

I've talked with my DH about getting some counselling but from what I've read here it seems everything I feel is normal, so maybe just wait and see how things go

I was a similar age to you when my parents split. My father made very little effort and apart from the odd Christmas card I didn't have any contact after age 13. He was a very difficult man who would kick off about various things and even threatened to come to my wedding even though he definitely wasn't invited (grandmother told him about it). He was ill and frail for a few years then his current wife called me to say he probably wouldn't be around for much longer if I would like to reconcile with him. I decided against it and wondered if I would regret it, but I don't.

In this situation it is understandable to feel strange about it. I get that, I really do. I also wonder if some of this is for the relationship it could have been

My father wasn't in my life from a very young age. Was an alcoholic, didn't work for a long time, and made no real effort to see me as a child.

At 17 I made an effort to drive to see him. He was a complete stranger and we had very little in common. He told me he was proud of me, which just left me fuming considering his 0 input into my life.

He continued to contact me and I mainly ignored his contact until in my mid 20's when he died. I went to see him at the funeral directors. I popped into the funeral and left quickly afterwards. I hated being front and centre like I had been important. FFS.

Anyway, to get to my point. It threw me for a bit. How was I meant to feel about the death of a parent I didn't know. In hindsight I think I was just going through a period of coming to terms with the fact that I was happy with my decision not to be in contact with him, regardless of his death. That his death changed nothing and I had no regrets. Once I accepted that and let it settle over me, I moved on and was fine.

Thank you so much for all of your posts, it's given me a lot to think about and really helped to understand how completely bizarre the situation is.

In lots of ways, I don't feel that I have the right to feel ANYTHING. I'd have been absolutely furious if he had contacted me, I'd never have reconciled with him and wouldn't have wanted to go to a funeral or anything like that. He was a bad person.

There's no rule book is there? I haven't told any friends, only my husband knows. I don't really know what there is to say or how they could respond. But it's taking up all my attention.

I'll definitely consider a counsellor, talking therapy has been wonderful in the past and I'm a big fan.

One of the things I said to my DH who was NC with his DF was you have to be as sure as you possibly can be that you will be ok with any decisions you make that can't be undone later. That's how I am trying to handle my situation right now, I have also said that I will do as much or as little for DF as I see fit because he has no right to expect anything of me. So I will do what I consider is decent and that is all.

I definitely mourn already the DF I would have loved to have had and that is probably the hardest time I'm having right now. I walk regularly with a lovely neighbour who is easily my DF age and we chat away while we walk our dogs, he tells me all about his DD and DS and he's just lovely. I came home after a walk last week and cried, because I would have loved a friendship like that with my DF. I guess not all of us are that lucky. I wish you all well

Tara I totally get what you mean about the pang when you spend time with lovely warm people who are your parents age. One of the tools I picked up through therapy is I have built loving mother and father voices in my head who are always there for me, always warm and supportive. I can even imagine what they look like and I find it really comforting.

@Cleotolstoy that sounds a good coping method. I will have some therapy at some point, I imagine once DF has passed as I'm not sure I'm quite able to cope with all the emotions it might bring to the surface right now. It is definitely comforting to see that although my situation is a little different to the other posters we do all seem to have the same thoughts and feelings. Yes it definitely is a pang I feel and what's really sad is my lovely neighbour probably knows more about what I've been up too and my thoughts on things then my DF would have ever known because he just would not be interested. As my DM says its his loss and he really shouldn't have married or had children

Not RTFT, but you're grieving the idea of the dad you needed, although he couldn't be that. The fact he's died now means it's final. I felt that with my dad too. You have a right to feel sad or even weird. Afterall you're alive because of him even if he wasn't around for you.

Be gentle with yourself. It's completely normal to feel what you feel.

It seems to me that perhaps your grief is for the father who never existed, the childhood that never was and never can be?

It's a real and valid grief, as ALL grief is. No reason for anyone to feel like some sort of fraud. Maybe it would help to write your "dad" a letter, pour out everything you feel, be as angry as you feel and express it. Get it all out, then when you are ready take it into the open and set fire to it (in a tin or metal bucket).

Express it all then let it all go.

I have been in exact same situation no contact with my father since age 5 now 53. He was a terrible parents with lots of problems and difficulties. When he died about two years ago I can say I felt nothing. The only slight grief I felt was how he was unable to be a father and this could be the type of grief you are feeling. I did send flowers when he died but mainly to be polite and to be the bigger person I think you grieve for what might have been

One of the things I said to my DH who was NC with his DF was you have to be as sure as you possibly can be that you will be ok with any decisions you make that can't be undone later
@Tara336 I understand the sentiment of this and you may even be right. I reached a different conclusion however. I haven't heard from my Dad in years and I accept that one day he will be gone and my feelings might be messy. I might even wish I had done things differently but I choose to live with that risk because having him in my life would not be easy, it would not be happy and wouldn't be good for me. I accept the grief might not be straightforward but that is just the reality of the situation.

I hope you find peace OP and I am glad you grew up with a loving family.

@Tara336 I meant that as a different view, sorry to seem like I was picking on your post. Your situation sounds sad

I have a an estranged Mother and I'm saving the thread as the advice and support has been so kind that I know it will help me when the time comes. Thank you

I do understand how you’re feeling, op. I didn’t have much of a relationship with my dad growing up. He was around more than yours, saw him a few times a year, but no close relationship. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when I was 18 and died 5 weeks later. I didn’t even really know he was ill. My mum actually did know but didn’t tell me (a whole other issue!).

It’s about the final death of what could have been. You know they’ll never be the parent you needed and there is no chance for them to ever realise how wrong they were. I found it quite painful for many years, so I think how you’re feeling is totally normal. It’s been 20+ years now and I feel nothing about it now, so it does get easier.

I think it really helps, whe a parent dies, if you've had all the conversations you needed to have. In this circumstance, you can't. I think all you can do is try to accept the fact that any conversations you might have had in a parallel universe would not have brought you any closure. It's a bit like splitting up with someone and imagining all the things you wish you could have said: if you'd been able to say them, and understand each other, you'd never have split up in the first place. You just have to draw a line under it and accept that you did the best you could in the circumstances.

Sorry you're going through this, OP, it's a bit grim.

@Fluffybuns it's OK, don't worry 🙂 DH stayed NC as he couldn't allow his DFIL into his life again, he is OK with decision he made (as much as you can be). With my DF I'm doing as much or as little I feel is right for me not what is right for him. Because I will have to live with any decisions I make after he's gone. Both very different ways of dealing with it but what I meant is its about protecting yourself and your own well being.

I believe we have an inner child and that inner child who underwent trauma - by having an abnormal rejection (you spend years questioning what is wrong with YOU) it is the emotional fight that has existed for years and years and years. You question every action and reaction. Every thought, every decision and replay it over and over on repeat.

I put a boundary in and my father stopped talking to me - he cut me and my children off and refused to speak to me for years or see them. I reached out over and over with boundaries but he wouldn’t break his decision.

Then he did he met us for a coffee and he wanted to be lord and master of the conversation, he wanted to control everything such as paying and everything had caused us so much stress before - walking so he couldn’t identify the car, having a code word which just meant get up and leave and don’t say a word.
We met and it was odd - like meeting a deflated balloon. He was a broken man - he never ever apologised though. He wanted the children to hug and kiss him but they refused and said direct to him ‘we don’t know you any more you have phoned and wished us happy birthday or Christmas - or texted or ring us in three years despite having our mobiles - we did nothing wrong you can’t just expect us to hug and kiss you - you haven’t even apologised’

and that was that

we left calm and untroubled and left it for him to reach out as we have offered to meet over 10 times and the kids said ball in firmly in his court now - we said direct to him - if you want to meet get in touch that was a number of months ago and he hasn’t bothered. It’s weird.

they are detached and I just have to think

it wasn’t me
it was him
he is the spider in the web
we are out of the web
he can’t cope

we have to grieve with and for the child and grandchild who could of has loving parents but didn’t