Reporting shouting (TW child abuse)

[froghead]

A while ago my neighbour Dh was arrested for being a abusive towards his dd (nasty shouting and throwing something at her). The Dm came round to apologise for the noise and ended up crying on my sofa, telling me how he had always been abusive to her and that throwing something at the child was the final straw and she was kicking him out. The police also spoke with me and said the were very concerned for the children and that I must report anything I hear in the future.

The Dh was sent for anger management class and she ended up having him back. The Dd has been having some emotional and behaviour problems so she now has a social worker.

This weekend I heard the Dh shouting and swearing at the dd. It sounded like he was telling her off but it was so extreme it went far beyond acceptable parenting. He kept saying 'you stupid fucking cunt' and it was so so loud. He sounded out of control, ranting the same phrases over and over, constant swearing and it went on for at least half an hour.

I rang children's services Monday as soon as they were open and the lady said I did the right thing to report what I had heard. I was very clear with her that it needed to be kept anonymous but an hour later got a message from the Dm apologising for the noise and blaming the whole thing on the dd!

She said that she had been told about the complaint of concern but that thankfully the social worker knows how bad her dd is behind closed doors. As if I was the wrong thing to call them?! What I heard was horrendous!

She said her dd had been up in her face shouting and swearing at her and the poor Dh was just worried about her which is why he went a bit 'nuts.' That he finds the bad behaviour of the child very difficult and they can't understand why she is acting up like this.

WTF? so its all the childs fault and this is supported by social services. Not only has this poor kid dealt with her mother moving abusive man back in but she is now the one to blame for all his abuse.

I have ptsd from a past relationship and the shouting was very triggering and then the victim blaming doubly so. Have not slept and am completely disregulated since the Dm messaged me. Really struggling to cope with and process my feelings here. This is all really wrong right?!

The SW would never have put the blame on the child. That is your neighbour trying to shift the blame away from her returned abusive partner. Taking him back shows she has very poor boundaries and puts hope/want ahead of experience.

More likely the SW is aware of the child's trauma-related behaviour and has discussed strategies/therapy to help the child. Her mother is in deep denial as she's still focused on a happy ever after with her partner. Also likely the abusive partner has learnt words and phrases from his anger management class and is now using those to excuse his abuse and manipulate the mother. And she in turn is trying to manipulate you as she fears another report.

Did she say she know it was you that reported as it should have been kept confidential! If yes, then complain to SS, although she might be phoning loads of people with the same story hoping she hits on the right one. If no, then she preempting any more.

Keep reporting! You are doing the right thing!

Thanks @Thingsdogetbetter I am so freaked out by it all I hadn't really considered she could be manipulating me into not reporting again. This makes sense!

She didn't say she knew it was me but that she knew about the complaint. Neighbours on both sides and it was probably loud enough to hear outside but the tone of the message was that she thought it was me. I know more about the backstory than others so depending on how much info was passed on she will know.

I just couldn't not say anything, that poor kid.

Keep reporting. It doesn't matter what the kids behaviour is, he shouldn't be screaming abuse like that towards her. What the SW can actually do about it is another story, but it sounds like he's already been through the justice system for past offenses against the child. A second time and the outcome could be different.

Next time you hear that level of verbal aggression you are quite within your rights to call the non emergency police number

tell them that there was an enquiry into the behaviour of the man in relation to the child and SS are involved. Explain what you can hear and ask if they can carry out a ‘safe and well check’

also try to record the noise on your phone as well.

it will be up to the police if they attend or not but even if they don’t they’ll send a report to SS of the concerns however there’s a v v high chance they will attend

You absolutely did the right thing OP. That poor child.

Mother is in deep deep denial. Hopefully one day she will put her DD first and kick the bastard out.

I would say try to keep it non-confrontational with her because she may end up crying on your sofa again and this time finding the strength to keep him gone.

Oh dear. What a horrible situation to be privy to. I agree with others. The mum has been manipulated by him and is manipulating you. Continue reporting and try and be supportive of the mum regardless. Hopefully the next time she kicks him out having a friend will be the strength she needs to stick to it.

Oh my goodness that poor girl, how awful. However, you absolutely did the right thing by reporting it and you must keep reporting it

How terrible that the mother is in complete denial, but given she has had an abusive man back, she has clearly already demonstrated her lack of judgement. So sad that she is not protecting her daughter.

Thanks, really appreciate your replys, I feel much calmer for reading them and knowing others think I did the right thing. I was in a spin between questioning reality (recovering from years of gaslightling) and mad mad emotional anger at what has happened.

I was overwhelmed and could have ended up expressing my outrage but you have reminded me to be compassionate - you are right, that is a good idea in case the mum does ever ask for support again.

Is there ever justification for screaming 'you fucking cunt' at a child?

I don't want to upset you. But next time call 999 she's a little girl and her own mother can't control her own partner so it's an emergency!

@Twillow He was even saying 'look what you made me do' type things mid rant. He knew it was bad but both parents have justified it. I just realy hope social services have not too.

@Ivyblu Do you think? Advice very welcome, my judgement may be off, still working through things myself. She is a young teen so not a tiny child (not that it makes it ok) and I don't think he has been physically violent other than the throwing incident.

Police. Every time you hear him being abusive like that. What a scumbag.

Ok. Thanks, I will do that. And will also try to record so they can hear how bad it is so the parents can't play it down.

@froghead sorry my mistake. Yes absolutely I know it's difficult.

The teen will be damaged for the rest of her life, yes police everything you have a duty of care we all do! I would like to think someone would help me or my family if needed. The girls mother needs a wake up call also!

Op well down for reporting the abusive. Keep on reporting it. Is it possible to record the shouting? So you can capture what he is shouting.

I agree that you might also want to think about calling the police if the shouting is worrying so there is an immediate response. They can at least do a welfare check that night.

If you look at serious case reviews many have aspects where adults have played off symptoms of abuse as issues with the child themselves (eg children not being given food as having an obsession with food etc. I don’t buy that at all. It sounds like any behaviour she has is a result of having a cunty father who abuses her.

Just to add police call outs due to domestics will also be logged and be shared at any child protection processes if they are on a CP plan.

Agree her behaviour is a result of cunty father - could not believe it when the mum messaged her suprise at how much the dd was acting up. I think I would be reacting in the same way if that was me.

I did actually try to record before but could not work out how to locate recorder on my phone. I know now though.

Also good to know. Thanks

If you ring the police they should be able to hear it if its that loud

You've done the right thing and must keep doing it. Ring the police every time. Help them build up evidence to take the bastard down.

I'd be telling SS that the mum is blaming the child now incase they think she's a protective factor for her DD. As messed up as it is and as hard tas it is to leave the mother is still an adult with a choice, the DD doesn't.

I 100% think it is this.