Help me find my feet with this one

[FeegleFion]

I'll keep it short and concise if possible.

My DD just turned 24. She recently split from her SO 27 (they were together & lived together until 3 months ago).

As soon as their relationship ended, my DD got straight into another relationship with her co-worker and he's the same age as me, 42 & she told me tonight she's getting a place with him when her current tenancy ends in January.

I feel devastated; his age, the power imbalance, the speed of it all, her heart... So many other reasons that I can't even articulate if I'm being honest.

I know she's a woman and I want what's best for her.

I guess what I'm asking is does anyone have any experience with something similar or does anyone have any suggestions for me with regards to how I can go about changing the way I feel about this so that I can continue to show my daughter that I love her, respect her and trust that she knows what's right for her? I'm just struggling.

Many thanks in advance xx

OhhhhFUCKNO.

I know I know, she's an adult but

NO

and may I also say

FUCK NO

My mother married a man twenty years her senior, and he turned out to be fucking awful to us all...

In so many horrible ways.

He's a co worker which is even worse because when it falls to pieces then she will have that to grapple with.

I'd find out as much as I could about him, to be quite honest.

I got together with a 42 year old when I was 18. It was bad. I was a headstrong idiot though and not sure if my parents could have done anything to stop me. A good friend might have though. Talk to her friends? Your daughter is making a massive mistake.

She may be making a mistake but it’s her life; you shouldn’t judge her decisions. Stay supportive and see if you can meet him

Sounds dodgy but not all age gap relationships are wrong

Thanks all. Thanks for sharing this with me.

I've since found out that he's been married and divorced twice and I asked her why his marriages failed (from his pov of course). She said he told her that the first ended because they were too young and didn't know who they were yet. When I asked how old he was when they married she told me 27! She cannot see what's wrong with that!

She she I had words a week or so ago and we walked away from each other. Every fiber of my being screams no but I lay crying and thinking all night long. We don't argue, we really don't & by 4am I couldn't take it anymore & despite the time, I text her and told her if it comes down to accepting him or losing her, there's really no contest. I told her I will do everything I can to push it down and accept him.

She's already told me that she doesn't think they're compatible & they argue all the time. They've been together approx 9/10 bloody weeks for Christ sakes but she said she loves him.

Hate is such a strong word but that's how I feel. The love bombing, the future faking, the power imbalance, the manipulation. It's all playing out in front of her but I need to swallow the bile and just love & support by baby.

Who TF said that being a parent of an adult is easy.

Thanks everyone for your input xx

HI OP. I was 24 when I met my DH and he was 41. Funnily enough my parents didn't say anything at the time, so it does suprise me when i see a lot of concerned parents on mumsnet about this sort of thing. I was a mature 24 year old as I'd looked after dying people for 7 years which gave me a different outlook on life. I am now 31 with 2 DC and a 3rd on the way. My OH is brilliant but I will say age gaps can create problems. I never bought a house myself for example as my OH was already set up, and financially he deals with everything, so I do feel iv missed out on some 'adulthood' milestones. I think as people get older a gap can appear worse not better, I sometimes worry about my husband coping with the children now he is almost 50. If I could change it I wish DH was closer in age to me bit of course I love him so was able to see past the gap.

Sorry I have just read your thread again and can see the worry isn't really the age gap but the rate in which the relationship has progressed which I can totally understand.