Sent off child maintenance application and feel so stressed

[worruiw]

my ex is a high earner and a nasty piece of work. I spent ages asking him for some
contribution and suggested 200 a month (I earn ok so just wanted some contribution from him). For context he earns 5k a month. He ignored me, was nasty when I mentioned maintenance and threatened to report me to ‘authorities’ whatever that means. He’s also denied our child is his to our friends and his family. I know all this is bollocks and I know he’s out of line but I still feel genuinely scared about what he will do or say next. He destroyed my mental health and I’ve only recently felt stronger. I made the application as I want to spend longer on maternity leave and will need the money if I take the full year.

I put his phone number down and I am worried he will go mad saying I shouldn’t have. I know he will make me and dc get a paternity test which I will find traumatic. I know he will do all he can not to pay. I’m scared of hearing from him, he threatened lawyers months back and while I have some money I don’t have his financial power. I’m just so stressed. I almost wish I hadn’t applied now as I can’t face what’s to come. Just posting for support, I feel drained.

He is doing this to control you. Practice some stock answers. It took me 9 months to finally apply to CMS. Ex was full on angry. Because it was taken out of his hands. I refused to engage in any conversations unless directly about the children.

If he started about money I said he is to take it up with the CMS

His anger is a way of controlling you. See it for what it is. A tantrum and don't give it any attention

I took great delight in refusing to continue a conversation if he started shouting. I no longer had to tolerate his abuse.

Put firm boundaries in place. And don't let him scare you.

You've done the right thing.
He left you no choice -- stupid of him not to have agreed to your overly modest request.

The best thing I did was involve the CMS.
I let my ex call the shots for too long
Who cares if he's cross, it's been taken out of his hands.
Get everything set in stone, court ordered access if needed and disengage from him
Have you spoken to women's aid and accessed any support as this is abusive and I'm guessing it didn't just start after the relationship ended

My ex also refused to pay a penny and rejected all my suggestions of a modest contribution. I made the CMS application, despite being very scared of his reaction. It was a relief - like poster above, it enables you to avoid any conversation about money because neither of you make the decision about the amount to be paid. My ex was FURIOUS - but it settled down and he paid, because he is frightened of the law.

Just to add - I also suffered from irrational guilt about taking his money, because I had left him and he was in a state. My friends, thank god, persuaded me to see sense. The money is for your child. You are the primary carer. That money is to make a better life for your child - holidays maybe you could not otherwise afford - or if you don’t need it now, to save on behalf of your child for the future.

Does he have contact with your DC? I would establish a routine from now. Kill 2 birds with one stone because you can write to the courts and raise to the judge that he has a moral obligation to finicially pay for his own child.

Just block his no if it gets too much for you. Be prepeared though that some men will go as self employed OP!

Does he have contact?

Prepare stock phrases and ne prepared to hang up

If he wants a DNA test agree immediately via child maintenance no "private tests" he will get ot be declared the father and have to pay child support AND for the test

If he threatens court? Again agree

If he threatens abuse tell h your not going to be threatened by him and hang up the phone refuse to answer the phone he will text you threats you will then have evidence of abuse REPORT IT

Well done op. As a pp said, just remember him being angry is actually him having a toddler tantrum. Also remember you don't 'have' to talk to him, it can all go through the cms. If he doesn't already have contact (not sure why he would if he's saying the child isn't his), and he suddenly does want contact, tell him he can go via the courts and you'll only speak directly to his solicitors and not him. As for the authorities, the likes of Ss etc see men like him all the time and can see through his abusive tactics. The dna test isn't traumatic and something that's easily done.

Hang in there

This is on HIM.

If HE wasn't such a bell end and contributed towards HIS child then you wouldn't have had to contact CMS.

Presumably him not paying is because you left him because he's a knob? And you've bruised his ego. Boo hoo.

It took me FIVE YEARS to have the courage to use CMS.

I just play dumb “it’s out of my hands”, “it’s what the government says”.

and any time - ANY time (!) he pays late I inform the CMS.

“it’s out of my hands”

When my ex sent a massive ranty text with the final line saying ‘what time can I collect DD’ I would just reply ‘you can collect DD on Friday at 5pm’. I Would ignore everything else he said.

Getting it established legally, in writing, now, is the best thing you can do because you have 18 years of this.

Stay calm, set up a second email address for everyone else, block him on all social media, and don't enter into verbal exchanges with him. Keep all texts and emails of a threatening nature.

Good luck.

Hi so I've had this problem eating at me for a long time ,, my 1st child's father will give me £30 a week if that (sometimes I get nothing ) depends on how he feels on the day I guess if I'm to get anything ...... I want to take it to csa ,,he threatens he will grass me up....I've had another baby with someone,, we don't live together anymore but have a good relationship/civil where he will always be around for the child.

Where do I stand with this,,it's stressing me out and I haven't taken the step to do this due to fear

Grass you up for what?

You'd probably be better starting your own thread as this one is quite old and people might miss your post.