My mother lies about me

[orbitalcrisis]

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. when my parents were divorcing my mother used to take out her anger on me. She always used to tell me I was too fat. I did not respond the correct way to people. I didn't smile enough or my smile was 'wrong'. One of my earliest memories was coming downstairs and my mother telling me I was too fat. Apparently, my eyes had got closer together, I had put on weight and I wasn't allowed to east biscuits or rice crispies anymore. I was about 4.

This carried on for years until i was a teenager and actually started getting noticeably thinner. At this point she took me to the doctor and had them threaten to lock me up and force feed me if I lost any more weight. I was only slightly under average weight. She also demanded they put me on anti-depressants.

A few years later, after I took my GCSE exams and found it difficult to focus on the paper due to the drugs they'd put me on by that point. I refused to take them anymore. So she threw me out. She them told all my friends I was lying about being thrown out, so they wouldn't let me stay with them. I had to stay on the streets or with strangers. I was 16, extremely vulnerable and was sexually assaulted several times.

My mother has lied about me to family several times. First, she said I ran away, she said she did not throw me out. She told everyone I was delusional during that time and I was lying about being thrown out, it was not and did not. She has told people I was a heroin addict. I was not. She told people I struck and then robbed my grandmother! Which is total bullshit!

I knew about some of this before, but most of this I have only just found out in the past few months. I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask my family what they have been told? I want to know the extent of this but my family live abroad. What would you do?

In the face of such, I would just stay away from my mother and let it go. Those who matter know better. Those who blindly accept her version of events aren't worth worrying about.

Do you have any contact with the overseas family? If you do, you could attempt to correct it but, if you have to, they can't be too close or they would already know different. Chances are your mother would just say you are lying again anyway.

There is always a route of legal advice if you really want to take action.

I responded on your other thread OP and i’m sorry but not shocked to hear your mum is like this based on the other incident.

What is your relationship like with your family abroad? Are they on your mums side of the family? You could speak to them and ask them what they’ve been told but it sounds like your mum would keep lying whatever you do.

Do you feel strong enough to go NC with her again and stick to it? She sounds absolutely toxic and abusive. Really sorry you have gone through this

@FermisLeftFoot I haven't seen them for several years. I've been too ashamed to contact them after what i heard she said. My brothers believe everything. I don't know if they do too.

I don't think I would want to get embroiled in any of this. I can't see how challenging what she has said would add value to your life. Very little chance anyone will believe you anyway. You can only start from where you are. Make yourself a happy life from here on out. I don't say this lightly, but it actually doesn't matter what people that you don't have much to do with think about you.
I think you could fall into the trap of looking for closure, but pretty sure you won't get it.

She’s a terrible toxic parent. Go no contact with her, stop worrying about the rest of your family and work on making the best life for yourself.
If it ever comes up in family conversation, just brush it off lightly and practise saying, ‘ really? She said that? You should never believe anything she says.’ And change the subject. If you don’t feed the fire it will die out.

Christ, what a vile woman your mother is! I'm so sorry, OP - you've had an awful time. Have you ever had any counselling? It's very traumatic to be treated so badly by a parent.

I'm sorry, your mother - or more accurately the woman who gave birth to you - is toxic and abusive.

Easier said than done, no doubt, but I'd have a nothing to do with her henceforth. Nor anyone who tried to get you to sustain contact with her.

My god, we could be related! I stepped back massively, almost entirely, for years. We are very low contact now but I never put myself in a situation which could lead to further hurt. And unfortunately I had to step away from other people who believed the lies. I must add, I have never really defended myself to people, my feeling being that anyone who knows me/is important would know the truth about me. It was a hard lesson to learn as a young adult. But those years were I was no contact were so peaceful, for the very first time in my life.

Please just walk away and don't look back. My tale very succinctly: I was visiting my grandmother with my uncle and his wife. We were meeting again the next day when I received a call telling me it was cancelled and there was to be no further contact. Years later my uncle's brother who was in the UK for business sent me a message to meet with a date, time & place. This was when I found out I was a drug addict, prostitute, had a problem with alcohol and many of the other things you have mentioned. Shocked. Incredulous it was actually believed but my mother was believable. My aunt & uncle tel and apologised. Walk - don't. look back.

Hi, I’m now 46. I’m really happily married. Have a good job >65k great children (boys) and the best human on the planet who is my husband. My issue is my mother. We have had a toxic relationship for years. I thought from when my twin passed from cancer at 23, but actually think it was before that, I left home at 16. My childhood weren’t great (though others probably had worse) but being kicked out of my own very first bedroom at 13, to give to my grandad might of triggered things. Having periods and sleeping with your mum or on the couch weren’t great. Anyway… fast forward to now, I always knew she lied about me, said things that were not true, but to my older siblings, who always defended her so dismissed it. Recently I found out she said that I was on drugs and travelled abroad and robbed my dieing dad of all his belong and home. Absolutely not true. I’ve kept it to myself but want her to no.. she said this to someone I no and trust… I don’t understand why

OP I would probably send one clear statement to the family along the lines of:

“””It has recently been brought to my attention that <name> has told people the following things about me: <list of things>.

I just want you to know that these are not true. I don’t understand the motivation for these lies, and probably never will. However, some of them are so horrible, that I really wanted a right to reply and set the record straight. I hope you would already know me enough to have doubted these lies anyway. “””

After, I suggest you go NC with any family member who says they don’t believe you.
I assume you are NC with mother?

Then I would move on. I suspect they will already know your mother tells lies especially if they are her siblings. Even if they don’t tell you this.

💐