How can I save my marriage and sanity

[Flyingaunicorn]

I am not sure whether I am here looking for help or to vent so please bear with me!
I love my DH, he really is a great guy but I am really struggling with intimacy and feeling wanted 😪
I had a really low time for a few years after the birth of our DS and admittedly really lost all my libido, I spent a lot of time putting off his advances and seemed to suffer with chronic sore heads 😕
BUT it's now back with a vengeance...... and DH seems to be gone!
Our relationship now seems to have turned into one of friendship or almost like flatmates. He has never been an overly affectionate guy and I find it physically impossible to talk to him about how he feels as he just won't discuss it at all! I feel like I am having a moan as I know when i initiate sex, he doesnt say no but doesn't exactly do a lot for my self esteem when I am always the one looking for it! I couldn't tell you the last time he gave me a hug, a kiss even a look to show he could actually be interested in me!
Even when I initiate it its very boring foreplay that I basically tell him to get on with it then very generic, not very good sex 🤔 I don't know what to do!!!
Recently I have found myself looking at other people/couples and feeling a bit envious of their relationships etc and I'm not really sure where to go from here! I dont want to go find pleasure with someone else, I love my DH no end, but I want him to want me and I am beginning to realise that I have desires other than being a mummy that are not even close to being met!
Help me make my hubby fancy me 🤣🙈

So to be clear

You lost your libido and turned down your husbands advances for years
Now he's lost his libido and you are complaining he want instigate sex
But when he does instigate sex you tell him to get on with it
Foreplay is entirely his remit and it's his fault its boring

I'm kind of feeling sorry for him to be honest. It sounds like he's got out of the way of instigating sex and then when you are having sex you are leaving foreplay to him and telling him to get on with it. none of which is going to encourage him to instigate it more.

You refused to be intimate for years, I'm sure his self esteem is rock bottom. You have every right to refuse sex for any reason, but that choice has consequences.

I am really struggling with intimacy and feeling wanted

I sure he felt/feels the same way.

You sound like the classic candidates for sex therapy, which helps you understand your emotional and physical issues and helps you build a healthier relationship.

Well when you put it that way 🤦‍♀️
Some of what you say is totally right and I completely take on board but maybe didn't write my post exactly how I wanted it to come out if that makes sense 🤣
we have actually managed to have a conversation yay about how it made him feel when I was so low and it made me more able to understand where he was coming from! I 100% would not enjoy having my advances shook off regularly and it would knock my self esteem as well!
To be a bit clearer, we do have sex these days just not as regularly as I would like and it tends to feel a bit more of a chore than anything else? something I feel he knows I want so he will do it and something I feel I know he wants so even if not 100% in the mood will do it if that makes sense! Annoyingly, when we have been out together and had a few drinks and a good night we usually have a great time 😕 so it's not that we aren't intimate at all these days, I think I just want a little more regular and emotion involved if that makes sense?
I try to show him that I am trying to make an effort, I am quite a touchy feely type of person so I quite often try to initiate a bit of playfulness in the hopes that it would develop into a little bit of spontaneity but it never seems to happen 😪

I am not here to bash DH in anyway, I am looking for some help to show him how much I still love him and to hopefully get something more emotional from him in return 🥺

Well when you put it that way 🤦‍♀️
Some of what you say is totally right and I completely take on board but maybe didn't write my post exactly how I wanted it to come out if that makes sense 🤣
we have actually managed to have a conversation yay about how it made him feel when I was so low and it made me more able to understand where he was coming from! I 100% would not enjoy having my advances shook off regularly and it would knock my self esteem as well!
To be a bit clearer, we do have sex these days just not as regularly as I would like and it tends to feel a bit more of a chore than anything else? something I feel he knows I want so he will do it and something I feel I know he wants so even if not 100% in the mood will do it if that makes sense! Annoyingly, when we have been out together and had a few drinks and a good night we usually have a great time 😕 so it's not that we aren't intimate at all these days, I think I just want a little more regular and emotion involved if that makes sense?
I try to show him that I am trying to make an effort, I am quite a touchy feely type of person so I quite often try to initiate a bit of playfulness in the hopes that it would develop into a little bit of spontaneity but it never seems to happen 😪

I am not here to bash DH in anyway, I am looking for some help to show him how much I still love him and to hopefully get something more emotional from him in return 🥺

I know how we both feel and its not good 😪
I need some help with how to show him I do love him and that I actually still want to work on what we have and make it better for us!
in no way am I saying I have never been at fault here and have acknowledged this with him too, now I need to show him that I still fancy the pants off him and hope that he can feel that way about me again!

I can barely get him to talk to me so I'm not sure he'd go for this 🤣🤣
unfortunately at the moment £ would not allow this luxury and I'm going to have to go it alone for now and try and fix any problems I have created!

Do you think you might be overthinking this? Do you do the classic "everyone else is having amazing sex"
You say that you both have a sex life? Well that's great! What exactly is missing? If it's foreplay, talk, if it's variety get some toys, if it's spontaneity ( which is impossible with kids btw!) don't bother 😂
I don't understand what you are asking for on this thread. Couples go through waning and waxing libidos, if you think he's not as into sex at the moment, well maybe he isn't! !!
Just like some females go through periods of not being interested in sex so can men. Why not take the pressure off him, just enjoy your sex when it happens and stop putting the stress on it?

I could possibly be doing the whole everyone is having better sex than us thing 🤣🤣🤣

I think I went more sex and don't always want to be the one to initiate it 🤷‍♀️ a bit of spontaneous pleasure would be fab but DS is usually around to ruin the moment even if we ever had the chance to make one 🤣

I'd like to feel that he wants to have sex with me, instead of feeling like he's jsut doing it because I initiate it 🤷‍♀️ I find it hard to put things down in words so probably not explaining myself very well 🤦‍♀️

very hard to please lady apparently 🤣

But he's not in the habit of initiating it

I really feel like he is in a lose lose situation. If he had continuously been trying to initiate it when you weren't in the mood he would have been called a sex pest. But instead he was respectful and didn't. And now suddenly you want him to do that again but he's out of the habit, you need to give him time to adjust.

On top of that he's currently got a lower libido and thats inconvenient for you. Perhaps you need to be a bit more patient with him given his patience with you.

The only thing I would do would he to encourage him to get to the doctors if he has had a sudden drop in libido for no apparent reason. But I would say that to women to as it can be a thyroid issue etc etc