Intrusive Thoughts Causing issues new relationship

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I have been seeing someone for seven months. We started off quite casual and things grew naturally. For a while we didn't class it as a relationship, but have been at that point for the past three months.

I have had a negative history regarding relationships; I've been cheated on and my son's dad was massively narcissistic. I didn't witness a healthy dynamic growing up, my parents relationship was very up and down. I now feel like I am constantly being cheated on and hidden away.

My partner is aware of this, as I have tried to end things on several occasions but we always reconcile. Recently however, he has become tired of it. We had some issues with his ex and mum of his child recently. They were extremely close when I started seeing him. She was upset that te time had come for him to move on, and for someone else to come into LO's life. They have been separated for three years and I really struggled with the fact she was sad he was moving on. This made me question if more had occurred.

My insecurities are now causing massive problems and we're on the brink of the end. I keep so much to myself, as I don't want to upset him or be a pain in the backside. I'm quite a strong character and not very open to compliments, so I suppose this causes issues when he tries to reassure me. We are literally on the brink of never coming back from it all and I don't want that.

Can someone please offer some tips on how I can switch my blinking head off and learn to trust someone? I deserve to be in a loving relationship, but I'm sick of my own mind and stomach churning away all the time!

Thank you in advance!

I am currently experiencing the same thing and it's exhausting isn't it...

I have come to the conclusion that therapy is the way forward, although I haven't started yet. I think if you know these thoughts are intrusive and potentially irrational, then you're actually in a good place to be able to deal with any past traumas through therapy - I would imagine it's a much more dangerous place to be when you can't recognise that these feelings are related to previous experiences...

I also believe that compliments are not necessarily reassuring to a person (although it's nice to receive them)... But being able to freely and openly communicate how you're feeling and knowing that I person is willing to listen is of far greater value and importance.

How often and how deeply have you spoken to your partner about the feelings you're having?

I know what it feels like to want to just run away and breaking up feels almost like the easy option, but I've found that when I feel like that, then the best thing is to speak up and explain what is causing the anxiety/insecurity I am feeling as best as I can to help myself and my partner rationalise the emotion.

It could also help to assess what it is that you need from your partner to reassure you that they're not cheating/going to leave you etc - maybe verbal reassurance? Or addressing behaviours that could be triggering (within reason and if they don't compromise the other person) such as mobile phone use, social media, social activities etc.

I hope you're able to resolve this and don't give up 💐

I've experienced this due to the past trauma and I've been in a healthy relationship for almost two years now. I tried to break it off once and at various points have suffered with crippling anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But it's also brought me so much happiness and helped me start to heal attachment wounds that I couldn't have dealt with without being in a relationship.

This is something that happens to me in every relationship to some degree, and I've learned to work with it.

Find a good therapist and work with them long-term, I know it costs but do everything to scrimp, save and make sacrifices if necessary to afford it. I can't speak enough for working with a therapist on these issues - it really can transform your life.

Sorry - pressed send too soon! Meant to add: regardless of whether this relationship lasts, you'll learn things about yourself and to distinguish between a simple intrusive thought in a relationship, and a genuine disconnection in your values or a serious red flag.

Communicating with your partner is key - without telling them every thought that pops into your head, you do need to let them know if you feel anxious and need more reassurance. It's important to learn to self-soothe when you're anxiety takes over, and a therapist can help you with how to do that. But co-regulation is also a really powerful tool, to let someone else be with you in that moment and help you to feel better without judgement.

I hope you find peace from this. I'm still working on it but things are much better for me now.

OP I have been and sometimes still am where you are. I have negative thoughts and think I see red flags every so often but it is me that is the problem and my thoughts. I decided to see therapy and working on myself currently but it is so so very hard at times. I feel you I really do and wish I could offer advice but I am hoping for advice myself. We are not weak and we are not bad but we do have past traumas around unhealthy relationships be they ones that we were raised in or were in ourselves but I am hopeful we can all get past this.

Thank you all for your comments. Turns out I wasn't having intrusive thoughts, but a gut feeling. He left me days later for his ex partner.

However, if nothing else, it's taught me to trust my gut more and doubt myself less.

Thank you once again. Xx

Sc34

shit . That’s very sad to read .

So….
you were right all along

not sure what lessons we can learn other than post divorce dating is very very tricky

if it’s any consolation , their relationship will be beset by issues as she will be having the same issues after his 7 month with you

make sure you block him everywhere
total annihilation is the cleanest way to move on

happier new year x

and don’t give up on dating

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Thank you for your comment.

Yes, I was unfortunately right all along. I'd even signed up to counselling as he kept telling me it was my insecurities that were the issue.

However, we go again. All experience. Could be worse. I could have been the mug that took him back when he asked.

Happy New Year, I wish you well.

Stay away from anybody who makes you feel 'faulty'.

@Watchkeys I couldn't agree more.