Don’t know if I’ve lost perspective

[Whatthediddlyfeck]

Long time user name changed!!

Dh has a record of being absolutely shit at present buying despite me dropping suggestions, not hints, all over the place. He’s also a lazy sod with it-he does all his shopping on our SHARED Amazon prime account.

About 2 months ago during a bit of a heart to heart I asked him that when it came to Xmas shopping, he put a wee bit of effort in, and not just buy everything off Amazon. Given that I do all the present shopping for everyone else (I don’t have an issue with this so please don’t pounce on this!), I didn’t think it was too much of an ask.

This morning I was in the Amazon account to arrange to return something and what do I see-yup, a pile of stuff he’s ordered, clearly for my Xmas. I’m not looking for anything expensive but is it really asking too much to hope he’d put some bloody effort in. I’ve very calmly told him to send it all back- with this little effort I’d rather he just didn’t bother.

Im not brave enough for AIBU, but am I?

What hints have you dropped and what presents do you really want?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to insist that somebody has to physically go to a shop to buy you the same item as they can buy you online, no. Making extra pointless work for somebody is no demonstration that they care about you.

If the issue is that the presents themselves are stuff he should know very well you’d never want or use and have been bought without thought, then tackle that as the problem.

I think both!

you’re absolutely not unreasonable to want him to make an effort and to show you he cares and values you by getting you some nice presents on special occasions.

You are being a little unreasonable declaring he can’t buy them online / Amazon and that it doesn’t count as effort if he does?

Do you want him to have to physically visit shops?

I do 90% of my shopping online. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about the people and just buy any old crap but logistically it’s loads easier.

He could however have used a different account so you didn’t see your gifts, we share a prime account at home and we don’t use it for gifts for this exact reason.

If he’d used another account you wouldn’t have known the difference come Xmas day

I asked him that when it came to Xmas shopping, he put a wee bit of effort in, and not just buy everything off Amazon.
What's the issue you have with amazon - that you can then see what he's bought, or that it's online shopping and you want him to go out to the shops?
Why do you think he's lazy - did he get random presents?

I get you, OP. It's the lack of effort that would really piss me off especially when you've taken the time to talk about it with him. That's so disrespectful.

I take charge with DH, after the Christmas when he ended up in a garden centre at 4pm on Christmas Eve and he got me a fish tank. I effing hate fish but he thought the lights were pretty idiot. This year, I've got a bottle of Creed perfume that he got me in the black friday sales.

Why does using Amazon mean he’s making no effort? Do they sell nothing you like?

Ok I’ll accept the bit about physically visiting a shop-that’s not always easy these days, but this is one of the things that has really got to me, the 30 bloody quid he’s spent on this www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B093QCWS6M?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title….I always make him up a sweetie hamper of all his favourites, done up in a nice basket, but he can’t be arsed to go into Aldi or wherever and pick up a few lumps of cheese (which I love) and crackers…then there’s the Robbie Williams calendar which he’s bought me for the last 15 years, and I’ve not even hung up for at least the last 5…I’m aware it’s all a bit “my diamond shoes are too tight” but I just feel totally scunnered at his lack of effort

Why are you looking at the account then?

Because it’s joint and I needed to organise a return (not a gift!!)

So he think you like Robbie Williams and you don't?
He knows you like cheese and give him hampers so must like them, so he's got you a cheese hamper. I can see the logic behind that; seems ike he's put a moment's thought into it.
What do you want him to get? Could you find a gift type that you'd always be pleased with? My partner gets me a bottle of whiskey, for instance, as he knows I like whiskey. He hates choosing gifts but is willing to put an effort in, in other fields of life, so I'm happy with the whiskey. Maybe this is not just about the gifts, but about your dh not putting much effort in elsewhere?

I get what you mean OP. It's like he can't be arsed to think so just gets you the same shit off Amazon each year. It's the same concept as the people who end up in the supermarket on Christmas Eve and buy their partner shit toiletries and a wilting poinsettia because there is nothing left.

Tell him straight, you don't want a bloody Robbie Williams calendar. You've not hung it up for the last 4 years. He knows you like cheese, and <insert other lovely things here>. So for the love of all things Christmas please at least spend his Amazon purchases wisely and THINK about you for more than 30 seconds.

Is he just shit at gifts or is it a wider issue I wonder...?

@BrioLover it really is just a shit gifts thing -he’s generally a decent guy

If you’d actually like cheese and biscuits as a gift then I don’t see what’s so wrong with what he bought. If I knew somebody really liked cheese and would be happy to receive some as a gift, I’d do exactly as your OH has done and go for a nice packaged gift arrangement of some unusual brands that they may not have tried rather than buy supermarket cheeses and crackers which they could pick up themselves when they did the weekly shop. The latter would strike me as not very special or effort-showing at all.

Which sounds like the issue. He probably thinks that the way he’s doing it is showing more effort and care than you see it as being.

On the face of it, it seems like you have a list of fairly arbitrary rules as to what constitutes an acceptable gift.

a cheese hamper is Not acceptable but some cheeses from Lidl are?

looks like there’s a deeper issue , I’m guessing it’s that you do all the gifts and all the Christmas magic and he cba to make a good job of the one small thing on his list.

As someone who has spent years wishing her DH would just put a bit more thought into present buying, I want to be on your side. But I feel you're being a bit unreasonable here. I mean, most people would far rather have a nice posh cheese hamper than one made up with cheeses from Lidl. Purchasing on Amazon vs other stores is also an irrational issue if you are an amazon family overall. Although I do appreciate that it can demonstrate a lack of effort and research.

I don't think him buying a pre-made hamper is a problem, but you're not unreasonable to say he shouldn't get them off Amazon since you have a shared account. There's lots of places online he could get them.

I don't see the problem with ordering anything from Amazon to be honest....and if he knows you love cheese and bought you a fancy cheese hamper then I honestly can't see the problem. I think that is extremely thoughtful! That being said...if your preferences for gifts are very specific then it might be best if you and your DH exchange lists (or you just give him one if he always likes what you get him) and he gets you something from your list (you can still be surprised as you wouldn't know exactly what he selected from it).

It's unreasonable to be annoyed at where he bought the gift and also unreasonable to be annoyed that he didn't get you the exact brand of something you liked unless you had made it clear to him you only liked x brand. He's not a mind reader, going a little outside the box but along the lines of what he knows yiu like I think shows that he did in fact put some thought into it

Thank you all for the reality check! I’ll concede I’m being a bit unreasonable! (And thank you for being kind about it too!)

I told my husband I wanted new trainers for Xmas, he decided I did to, I picked mine, sent him some possible options, he told me which pair he liked and I ordered for both of us.

That’s obviously him making zero effort on presents, but he makes effort in many other ways. He works really hard but also makes sure he’s here to help with the kids, so he’ll come home early, do dinner and bedtime then work again all evening. If he’s not got work to finish, he’ll often do housework in the evening. We are a team.

If presents really are the only issue, I reckon you should think about why it is matters so much. Relationships don’t have to look like a daft romcom. And it’s not even like he’s not trying at all.

I'm impressed that you've conceded that you've been unreasonable! When you read this board and see the relationships that people tolerate, being with a decent man who's just crap at presents feels like a prize in itself.

DH and I just about manage to get family gifts between us but we are both awful regarding our own gifts. Neither of us really want much. What we do now is have a bit of a think about something we'd both like to have or do, and sort it out between us. Might be theatre tickets or a subscription to something, but it pleases us and lets us off when our kids think we're being grinches!

I think it's always worth letting go of the notion that effort put in for Christmas is the benchmark for how much someone loves you

Why don’t you just tell him exactly what you want and where to get it? I really don’t see the issue with the cheese hamper though if you actually like/ want cheese!

I don’t particularly see the problem. I suppose he could set up his own account but you’d still get the same.

He doesn’t have to go round the shops for cheese if he can get it online surely?

Not quite the main point I know, but you can share prime benefits across two separate adult accounts in the same household - so you wouldn’t be able to see what he’d ordered on Amazon, but you’re both sharing the same “prime” benefits:
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=GUYBQ964AEX5XBZ7

We do this, you have to set up your two accounts as a “household” but it’s easy enough. Helps with the “lack of surprise” aspect at least.

Set up separate Amazon accounts - or as his gift to you, he can do that. 😃

You really do want him to drag round the shops in person, don't you? The cheese thing is a bit of a giveaway 😉. But it's OK to want him to make some effort - it's how easy it is and how little thought, isn't it, (since he's bought you the same calendar year on year)? It probably means he's just being "safe" with presents more than he doesn't care, but it is a bit lazy.

If he's generally a decent husband who makes you feel valued in your relationship, I'd just try to manage your own expectations. If you're latching on to present-giving as the only time he demonstrates appreciation, then you have deeper issues in the relationship.