Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please read my list and give your opinion.

19 replies

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 13:12

I have finished with my boyfriend.Most of the time he was kind and funny but as the relationship developed, certain traits began to appear.It's fully over but I'm still in that fog of WTF happened and where did this behaviour come out of.I want to boundary 'up' and make sure it never happens again as I stayed for months after I should have and feel pretty worthless now. For context he is 50, divorced and this is 4th long term relationship to collapse.We were together for two and a halfyears. Here is list of behaviours that crept in and became a staple part of our relationship. Sarcastic...mocking....impatient...intolerant...mildly controlling.......demanding....entitled.....impatient......lazy.......low level anger. In the 4/5 arguments he always stonewalled me initially, ignored calls and texts, then gave me the silent treatment for days .I would do the running and we wpuld get back together. Not once did he apologise to me despite him being proven wrong in those cases. Most seriously though, he changed the narrative of my issue regarding his bahaviour in front of my kids.I explained that my home was a safe and peaceful place now after 20 years of walking on eggshells around their dad and there was no room for anger and cursing. His narrative is that I called him too unsafe to be around my kids. I find that sinister and damaging , not to mention untrue so essentially, he also has a dangerous mouth. For context he behaved in the exact same way with his previous two partners, one of whom finished with him;the other he left with a newborn baby. Has anyone any experience with this type of man.I certainly dont.Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 13:17

I also forgot to add that became bossy and kind of talked AT me.His opinion was sacrosanct and he liked to share it constantly even when unasked for.And actuslly, he found me to be a shit parent I think as I was 'too soft', despite having little or no relationship with his own kids. My kids have SN so at times I definitely compensate and can be soft as Ive to choose my battles.He said he hated to see me treated so poorly by them. Thanks

OP posts:

Justtryingtobehelpful · 05/12/2022 13:20

Well done you on getting rid of this man. It sounds like you got checked and ticked all the right boxes for him so you fell back into a similar relationship that you had with your husband. Best to do some work on yourself so you can catch the red flags earlier. Well done again on seeing the red flags for what they are as they slowly crept up on you and he could not maintain the facade from the love bombing stage. Check out the shark cage metaphor for a bit more discussion of how to create those barriers.

80s · 05/12/2022 13:27

I explained that my home was a safe and peaceful place now after 20 years of walking on eggshells around their dad and there was no room for anger and cursing. His narrative is that I called him too unsafe to be around my kids.
You mean he was angry and cursing in your home? Sounds unsafe to me. You might not have said to him that it was unsafe, but he knows it was - and he's accusing you of saying what he knows was actually correct. Maybe he knows what behaviour normally comes next, after the cursing.

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 13:44

It was the first and last time that he cursed in front of them and got angry when they had done nothing wrong.That was the final straw.He wouldnt dare do that to his nieces or nephews as he would be fucked out of any of their homes although I have seen him being shouty towards his daughter at times. He couldnt actually control his emotions now that I think back.He could be petulant and react to a childs behaviour with childish behaviour, if that makes sense; like storming off and answering back.

OP posts:

80s · 05/12/2022 13:49

Yeah, sounds like he correctly identified his behaviour as potentially unsafe. No need to disagree with that diagnosis!
How long did you put up with the nasty behaviour - when did you first notice it - and why do you think you didn't chuck him out then?

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:06

The first time I saw something shitty was about a year ago.We were watching a film and my ten year old said something normal and it was responded to with a sarcastic comment in a nasty tone.To this day, I have to wonder if I heard correctly.I shot him a look and later warned him that if he ever spoke to a child of mine like that again,Id fuck him off there and then.He was shocked, like this was a totally normal thing to say.He resented my kids additional needs as they took up my time and attention, away from him of course. He always was opinionated but I found that if I didnt heed his 'excellent and wise' advice, he got frustrated especially when it came to my kids.He also said during our last and final argument, that if I asked him to go anywhere with my kids, he wouldnt go as he didnt like their behaviour.The truth is that he is a control freak who parents like theydid in the 70's.... children to be seen and not heard.

OP posts:

80s · 05/12/2022 14:09

Did you consider ending it after that remark?

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:11

I did end it then.That was the final straw.

OP posts:

80s · 05/12/2022 14:13

But there had been other bad behaviour before then, if you say it gradually got worse and worse?

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:18

Yes but not towards my children. His MO was to stonewall, ignore, silence ,reverse it on me and go into victim mode when we had a fairly average disagreement.Our first argument was a year in and the 4-5 we had in total were becoming more frequent..less time between rows. He absolutely could not be wrong, even when he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:20

The characteristics that I listed in my OP gradually became more frequent. My feelings of relief are huge.I think I seriously dodged a dangerous man.

OP posts:

80s · 05/12/2022 14:26

You do need to think about why you let him stay - e.g. the first time he started stonewalling you. Sounds like you let it go on 1.5 years, which is a lot of time to put up with crappy behaviour from a new boyfriend.

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:29

You're absolutely correct. This is why I posted.I need to ring fence my boundaries but did wonder if I was being overly sensitive at times especially about my kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

heroesvroses · 05/12/2022 14:54

Thank you. Has anyone else been through anything similar and could you relate, advise what you put in place to prevent such a thing happening again, please

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2022 15:02

This man who you have thankfully now dumped sounds similar to your ex who is also abusive. Make no mistake, this individual targeted you deliberately here. Abusers tend to ramp up the power and control against and over their chosen target over time and it is of no surprise he did this.

Be on your own for the time being and love your own self for a change. It is better than being badly accompanied.

Look at the Freedom Programme online and if possible do this in person. It is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/12/2022 15:23

I went out for several months with someone who did an accelerated version of this, OP! Six weeks of lovebombing so I was totally open to him. Then a period of withdrawal, cooling off, distancing himself. Then weeks of coldness, suspicion and growing hostility. Then I dumped him. A few weeks later he tried a comeback, but I was once bitten, twice shy.

Looks as if I was lucky, but you got the full-length version. I’m so glad you’ve escaped now xx

pinneddownbytabbies · 05/12/2022 15:31

Well done for getting rid of him - was he astounded when you told him it was over and you were dumping him?

Original poster

heroesvroses · 06/12/2022 19:35

Funnily enough,he believes that he is 100 per cent in the right.When I explained that my children need a calm, warm and safe atmosphere in their home and that I will nt tolerate anyone huffing , puffing, cursing and being generally angry, he declared that as I had saidthat he wasnt safe to have around my kids, he had a tantrum and he wasnt going to be visiting me anymore. He was so angry when I finished it.Still hasnt been in cintact but if the wise posters on here are anything to go by, I expect he will be back. The more I read , the more I see classic narcissistic flags but label or no label, Im well rid.

OP posts:

5128gap · 06/12/2022 19:45

There isn't a great deal you can do to prevent it happening again, as the things you describe apply to so many men, particularly those in that age group. They also creep up.
However, you sound very strong and assertive, with solid boundaries (I love what you said about your home. So reasonable, yet brooked no argument) so I think you're very well equipped to identify issues and deal with them decisively. I admire you for that.

Flip