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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is always unwell

13 replies

Hayles2 · 05/12/2022 12:53

I knew my boyfriend a while before we got together. He had so much energy and we had lots of adventures. About 2 months ago he banged his head. It recovered after 6 weeks then he banged his head again getting something out of the back of the car. He has had head injuries in the past which is why it takes him a while to recover.

Last week he injured his ankle at work but won't report it. He is tired now and he said if he goes off sick to recover in December they will displicine him as he works in a warehouse and it's their busiest time and need the staff. If he reports the work related injury a week later he will be disciplined and sacked as he delayed reporting a work related injury before at work and was told these are the conquences next time.

He has Aspergers and ADHD and has admitted he lacks special awareness. I don't think he should be working in a warehouse as he has had so many injuries. They refuse to give him an office role as they can't retain warehouse staff. He has been there 14 years so they rely on him.

I have been playing rescuer getting him remedies, making him juices, bring massage chairs and foot machines round, lending my walking poles. He doesn't really eat much but does not realise he needed to eat properly to heal so I do him juices and take round when I see him as I feel I am negligent if I don't. He keeps taking medication which gives him side effects, had energy drinks full of caffeine and would spray air freshener all round his house so it's no surprise he has been ill, he is slowly stopping using these after finally listening. He keeps saying I deserve better than a broken man. It is getting a bit off putting now.

I am worried about him as he said he is depressed/feels low and scared about losing his job. I have told him not to worry as he should believe in himself more and would get another job. I keep telling him his health is priority. He is stressed and can't relax and is having sleepless nights. I partly know how he feels as I had a stressful job which made me ill and got sacked for having time off to recover from physical ailments.

He has told friends and family but they throw it back in his face telling him he should have left his job years ago. So he gets no support there plus a lot of them suffer ailments so don't want to hear his.

I really care about him but the ailments just put a strain on the relationship and it is not as fun though we still laugh. People have said I should not take on this baggage. I feel it would be wrong to end a relationship so near to Christmas when he feels low. He has said he has had injuries before and he will recover. Are there any agencies I can signpost him too? I just haven't got the energy or full knowledge to help him and it's not my job to either. Just struggling a bit to see if the relationship will go back to how it was.

OP posts:
candycane10 · 05/12/2022 13:01

Hi @Hayles2 this sounds like a really difficult situation to deal with. I don't have much advice other than to remember you're not responsible for his health or his happiness, especially after 6 months, but it sounds like you're taking a lot of this on which may end up causing resentment

One thing intrigued me though, what is the problem with the air fresheners? Are they partly to blame for his poor health?

Hayles2 · 05/12/2022 13:08

@candycane10 He has asthma so should not use air fresheners as they affect the lungs. I know some people don't have issues with them.

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 05/12/2022 17:54

Does he belong to a union? If not he should join. He needs work-related advice about how to manage this situation, and support him to get a transfer to a more appropriate role - sounds as if his employers treat him badly despite “relying” on him

billy1966 · 05/12/2022 17:59

You sound like a really lovely woman but it reads as if you have taken on a caring project.

Long term this is a tough road to volunteer for.

It is ok to want more for yourself and your long term future, however nice this man may be.

Being a carer is a very difficult role.

CallmeCath · 05/12/2022 18:54

I work with someone like this. Honestly Op, do yourself a favour and call it a day. 💐

Suprima · 05/12/2022 18:57

God how exhausting

6 months and you are playing nurse and mummy

if he wants help - he can get himself

I imagine he’s fine for shagging despite all his ailments

is this something you want to deal with forever?

raise your bar

Hayles2 · 05/12/2022 21:45

@Suprima He has lost his libido as his health is getting him down and his job depresses him.

OP posts:
littlemissfirecracker · 05/12/2022 21:54

This sounds similar to my ex. Emotionally draining. You've stand a shit load of what you do for him but what does he do for you?

littlemissfirecracker · 05/12/2022 21:54

*stated (not standing)

cakedelights · 05/12/2022 22:56

I would like to suggest that since he has ADHD which is classed as a disability he should have a assessment for his health at work. This is where they refer him to occupational health who will review his difficulties in job and how his employer can support him. By law this is an obligation from employer. Also if he left this job & went to another he could apply for something called Access to work who will put things in place and support him. I am deaf & have dyslexia with health conditions, looking to work part time after Xmas and will be using access to work.

cinnamonpearl · 05/12/2022 23:00

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Suprima · 06/12/2022 09:59

Hayles2 · 05/12/2022 21:45

@Suprima He has lost his libido as his health is getting him down and his job depresses him.

Ok I stand corrected

but then again- you’re also not even achieving physical intimacy, let alone orgasm from this relationship. What are the upsides?

being kiiiind is the following

  • letting the pregnant woman on the bus have your seat
  • saying ‘go ahead’ to the person behind you in passport control who is going to miss their flight
  • offering to help your friend do the dishes

it is not walking into a relationship with someone who is complete deadweight, will be a drain on you and will never do anything to make YOU happy because they are caught up in their own misery

if this man was your long term partner, who had always cherished you immensely, but was going through a rough patch regarding their own physical and mental health, the replies would be incredibly different

this is a 6 month relationship. You owe this man nothing and there doesn’t appear to any redeeming features bursting through in your post. It’s absolute insanity to consider staying when so much is wrong

Rainbowqueeen · 06/12/2022 10:03

I would say His friends and family are not supportive because they’ve heard all this for years and have had enough.

Read up about rescuer complex. And end this relationship. He will be exactly the same in 2 years. Save yourself the drama. Find someone who is adult enough to care for themselves

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