A quick vent about old.

[Mulledmead]

Just really fed up. Been single for 3 years after exH went off with someone else. I am a nice, normal person. Amicable with ex, holding down a decent job, have 2 kids, hobbies etc.

Met one guy recently, we really hit it off (first time I have actually liked anyone in a while) he was keen, arranged follow up dates, but at his behest agreed to take things slowly. We had about 4 dates then he became flaky and cancelled a couple of times citing work, kids, a house move. He said he was just too busy and had too much on to date, said lots of nice (but not over the top things) about enjoying my company etc, that I deserve better, even in the last messages. I left it open that if he finds he has more time to get back in touch.

This was 2 weeks ago, think to myself I will have a look on old again. Low and behold there he is, online. I don't know why he couldn't just say he wasn't feeling it...

I then matched with another guy. Started chatting. He seemed normal. Lots in common. He responded quickly to messages, actual replies that seemed considered and thoughtful and now has just gone AWOL. Last message he asked me what I did for work (to which I gave a brief, light-hearted answer to) and then he just stopped responding.

I am fairly resilient and my self-esteem is ok, but I don't understand what is happening. Are people on old really that flaky? Or am I just really rubbish at this?!

It's not you. Honestly, it's them. You'll find the right person in time ❤️

Thanks @DisneyPrincesss
The kicker is that they start off so normal and I allow myself to get my hopes up (just a little) then it just feels so disappointing

I think the key to OLD is to have simultaneously high and low expectations.

You need to know what you want and not accept less than you're worth, while keeping your expectations about finding one of the few gems spectacularly low so that you can shrug off the ghosters, the married, the flaky, the window shoppers and the shagalots without taking it personally.

I gave up on that lark a looooong time ago.

Yeah. There are a lot of arseholes. Part of the issue is that on the surface there is so much choice that people struggle to stick to one person even if they like them, 'just in case'.

Once i hit it off with someone i preferred to stop using the apps but even for me sometimes that was a struggle if someone else had just messaged who looked nice. My current partner and I met on bumble, we matched on Tinder too. We chatted for 4 weeks before meeting after a couple of failed attempts due to changes in childcare on both times. We had both deleted the apps before we even met, so it can happen 😅 this was after 18 months of experiences similar to you.

Keep the faith!

It's hard not to take it personally, but I am trying not to let it. I feel like I have a good sense of my worth, and don't swipe very often because of various red flags and deal breakers. That makes me sound picky maybe.

Interestingly with the first guy I mentioned did delete the app after our first date; we had a conversation about it (instigated by him) and he disappeared from my matches. Maybe he just had a strange game plan all along. But it's not like we progressed to anything physical other than kissing, so i don't think it was a rouse.

I will keep trying I guess. It's hard not to become hugely cynical about it though!

Tbh, I think omlne dating is a dreadful way of meeting someone.

I did it for a few months years ago akd stopped when I realised I'd never take a relawseripusly with someone I'd met online.

I was waiting for the and that's why he's single! moment. I was never disappointed because it always came.

Can you get-out and meet men in the real world?

@GreyCarpet the entire reason it's a terrible way for you to date is because of your opinion of it. If there's a "and that's why he's single" moment, then you must have had something about you that would make someone say that about you? No?

My "that's why she's single" reason is because I'd had the courage to leave an awful marriage. My DP's was because his wife had cheated on him. I don't believe that makes us in any way worth less than anyone else. Do you?

But flip that argument on its head @GreyCarpet what are you saying about me (and everyone else that does it).

I try to get out and about, but my social circle is quite small (and everyone is happily married), I live quite rurally, I work in a female dominant profession and the hobbies I do (which are sporty) hasn't produced any success yet. And to be honest I am cautious about meeting anyone at my club in case it does go wrong!

I don't want to take up additional activities in the premise of meeting men (and my sport takes up a lot of free time anyway).

So old is potentially helpful, just frustrating!

@Mulledmead also note she says she did it years ago. I genuinely believe it's different now to even say 10 years ago. Now, i don't know a single person who is open to a relationship, who isn't using at least one app. It has become the norm. It really never used to be.

I swiped right on anyone that wasn't an absolute hard no. I would only ever instigate that's with those who were a definite yes. Because that way, if a man instigated a chat who i wasn't sure about, I'd get to actually find out about him rather than make as assumption.

I can't think of a single man who i have dated after meeting them through work etc, not online, that if they'd set everything out for me to read without meeting, would have ticked all boxes with no turn offs 🤷🏻‍♀️