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Original poster

Will my love for him grow?

11 replies

noheats · 05/12/2022 06:49

In my previous relationships, my exes would starve me of love and affection. I've been single for a while now.
I'm just began dating someone new. However, he's more crazy about me than I am about him. I feel nothing- no butterflies.
I want to give him a try as I've been lonely for too long and want to share my life with someone.
Is not feeling anything now a red flag or is it normal? Will my emotions grow over time? What can I do to feel giddy about him? What can I suggest to him to do, without being explicit that I'm struggling to feel?
Please advise.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/12/2022 07:35

If the chemistry isn't there for you to feel anything now, it might never come. How long have you been seeing him?

I wouldn't date someone I didn't have any feelings for. What would be the point?

LaLuz7 · 05/12/2022 07:47

I would give him a shot.

So much of what we class as chemistry and butterflies in the early days is nothing but anxiety caused by inconsistent interest and trying ourselves up in knots over whether they like us or not.

Especially in a toxic relationship you get used to the emotional rollercoaster and the highs feel amplified because the lows are so awful. This might feel to you like passion and fire, when it's just ain old codependency in a cycle of abuse.

By contrast, when you're with a decent stable partner who likes you and is consistent and predictable things might feel a little flat, a little lacking in excitement. But that doesn't mean that you couldn't be perfectly stupidly happy with them if you persevered and understood how your previous experiences are skewing your perspective.

Yes, you need a baseline of sexual attraction and you need to find him attractive and enjoyable to be around. That's a prerequisite. But the elusive feelings of butterflies is such a silly concept and tells you absolute nothing about how right he is for you.

I would give it a few dates/weeks and see how things develop.

Frostine · 05/12/2022 07:53

When I met mine ( from chatting online ) I didn't get that whoosh of attraction as he wasn't ' my type ' However , I decided our online chats had been fun and interesting so I stuck with it. We have been together over 20 years.

Original poster
noheats · 05/12/2022 12:46

GreyCarpet · 05/12/2022 07:35

If the chemistry isn't there for you to feel anything now, it might never come. How long have you been seeing him?

I wouldn't date someone I didn't have any feelings for. What would be the point?

I've been seeing him for a month now.
I feel helpless as I don't know how to feel. What is it supposed to feel like when I desire someone or meet the right one???

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 05/12/2022 12:50

Feeling absolutely nothing isn’t good.
You should feel attracted to him, excited to see him, enjoy his company.
Maybe you just aren’t attracted to him?

Original poster
noheats · 05/12/2022 12:51

LaLuz7 · 05/12/2022 07:47

I would give him a shot.

So much of what we class as chemistry and butterflies in the early days is nothing but anxiety caused by inconsistent interest and trying ourselves up in knots over whether they like us or not.

Especially in a toxic relationship you get used to the emotional rollercoaster and the highs feel amplified because the lows are so awful. This might feel to you like passion and fire, when it's just ain old codependency in a cycle of abuse.

By contrast, when you're with a decent stable partner who likes you and is consistent and predictable things might feel a little flat, a little lacking in excitement. But that doesn't mean that you couldn't be perfectly stupidly happy with them if you persevered and understood how your previous experiences are skewing your perspective.

Yes, you need a baseline of sexual attraction and you need to find him attractive and enjoyable to be around. That's a prerequisite. But the elusive feelings of butterflies is such a silly concept and tells you absolute nothing about how right he is for you.

I would give it a few dates/weeks and see how things develop.

Thanks for the advice.
I can certainly give it a month more.
How do I know if there's sexual attraction? Just from kissing and holding hands?

OP posts:
Original poster
noheats · 05/12/2022 12:54

Frostine · 05/12/2022 07:53

When I met mine ( from chatting online ) I didn't get that whoosh of attraction as he wasn't ' my type ' However , I decided our online chats had been fun and interesting so I stuck with it. We have been together over 20 years.

At what point did things change?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 05/12/2022 13:08

noheats · 05/12/2022 12:51

Thanks for the advice.
I can certainly give it a month more.
How do I know if there's sexual attraction? Just from kissing and holding hands?

Show quote history

Kissing is a good start.

Does it feel right? Does it make you tingle? Do you want to do it again?

Do you look forward to seeing him?

Do you feel a tinge of excitement when he texts?

Does he have any particular physical features you find attractive?

Just focus on the small things that are cute or special about him

FigTreeInEurope · 05/12/2022 13:47

If you imagine how you'd feel towards a pack of ten puppies you'd just met, they are all the same, you'd struggle to tell them apart, and feel pretty indifferent to them all. But if you took one of those dogs home, spend ten years of life experiences with it, fun walks, holidays, cuddles in bed, well, you'd feel pretty close to that specific dog. Love is pretty much a consequence of time spent. I think an initial attraction is nice, but honestly, butterflies ain't going to get you through a rough patch. I'd focus on personality traits you admire, and willingness to build a life together.

Frostine · 05/12/2022 14:34

@noheats

We lived 150+ miles from each other so just saw each other at weekends ( he drove to me ) I guess around 6 months , maybe less .

Unforgettablehamster · 05/12/2022 18:27

It depends. There was no instant, intense chemistry when I met my DP and I thought we were not a good match. But what I really liked about him was his curiosity about getting to know me, my preferences, my likes and communicating his own in a helpful way. It proved to be a real turn on - to meet someone genuinely interested in creating a good relationship!

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