We've become 'colleagues'

[dinoprincesses]

Been with my DH for 15 years, married for 13. We've had a good relationship from the start but would always bicker over things, it wasn't a problem at all it was just the way we both were and how we settled small issues. I mention this as it's relevant later.

We went through fertility treatment to have our DC, which we are now lucky enough to have. This did change things though as sex became something we were doing to have children rather than something to enjoy. After we had the children sex obviously became harder because of having little ones and since then it's been rare (few times a year). I do put some of that down to having two young children though.

Our current situation is that at least one of the DC sleep in our bed every night as they are terrible sleepers, because DH has to get up early for work he will now just swap and sleep in their bed if they come in with me. It has definitely made us feel not as close.

I recently went back to work after being a SAHM for 5 years. I'm working full time and doing drop offs/pick ups etc as DH works longer hours than me. He is a good dad and will help out with the DC when he is home. We also split house work evenly so everything is good there. I just feel like since I've been back to work we've become really distant. I suppose it's because I have a lot more on my plate now as well so it's hard to prioritise our marriage. If we are honest it probably started after having Dc but has got worse since I've been more busy.

We've always bickered but used to laugh it off whereas now we bicker a lot and it just feels like we're winding each other up over small things. We tend to only really talk about the kids as that's all our life revolves around at the moment as they are still so young. We get along fine but I feel like we've become colleagues in the sense that we are just spending time together looking after the children, not doing anything else or talking about anything else.

I really don't want the 'leave him' comments as the point of this post is I desperately want to repair our marriage. I love him but feel like that love has been buried under everything else going on. I want to get back to being us and feeling like we are spending time together because we want to rather than because we've got children. I really want to turn my marriage back around and so does he but we don't know how? Has anyone felt like this and managed to get things back on track?

I use the term "housemates" 😞

I think there’s hope
My first thought was have you got time for joint counselling? Or just spending a bit of time together. Could you get a babysitter? Doesn’t have to be the pressure of a date night, you could just go for a walk together.

We managed to build things back up. We spent evenings apart for a while. Just doing our own thing. We have now gravitated back together over time and are happy and settled again.

Do you think if you were working part time you would have more energy to put in your relationship?
I think if you might separate it's good to be in a financially strong position but if both parents are burnt out and then have to deal with house chores and young children, when in the day can they have time for each other? It takes prioritising and planning, yes even scheduling sex. I think you both need to talk to each other honestly about how you want to move forward and what you need from each other.

I think when kids are that age and you're working you have to make a conscious plan to spend time on your own together even if it's not very often. We used to go away for a night about once a year leaving DC with grandparents. It always took a few hours to get back to feeling like a couple again rather than just parents but it made a huge difference to reconnect like that even doing it so infrequently. Have you anyone you can leave them with?

When my husband and I first split up, we had a ridiculous but understandable argument on the driveway. Our children were still young and I didn't want that to be something that was ever repeated as we were going to have to co-parejt together for the next 12 years at least.

So I messaged him and said that. That we'd both proved we could hit each other and that we were both angry but could we draw a line under it and both make an effort to treat each other with respect.

He replied and thanked me saying that he'd been trying to word a similar message himself.

We've both been irritated by the other at times but we only communicate respectfully and there hasn't been another argument since.

But it only worked because we were both on the same page.

I say all this because I sometimes wonder people need to actively speak and call a truce. That way, petty bickering is stopped by both parties and both are aware of saying things that they know will wind the other up. If you actively treat each other more respectfully, then trust and the relationship can be rebuilt. This obviously only works of both parties are prepared to do it to work towards a common goal.

Basically, talk about it, mean it, set an intention and work towards it.

Thanks all. I agree that I think the first step is to be honest and open with each other. I think we've both been trying to sweep things under the carpet as we are scared of having the conversation but I think we have to have it if we want to make things work.

We can't afford counselling at the moment unfortunately. Finances are something else that is making things more difficult for us at the moment, I'm sure many are feeling the same.

It's his birthday next week and apart from a present I haven't actually planned anything. We never do anymore which is quite sad. So I'm thinking a good start might be asking grandparents to have the kids for a few hours on Saturday evening and making an effort for him for his birthday. Having a meal and spending some quality time alone sounds just what we need at the moment.

Good plan @dinoprincesses
Don’t put pressure on yourself or have big expectations, just aim for a bit of time together.

That sounds like a good idea.

If it were me, I'd probably make sire that I'd communicated my intention for the evening to him beforehand.

Sometimes the bickering can become a habit so there's no point you deciding to approach things differently if he isn't aware of that. He isn't going to automatically respond in kind.

I'd try not to make it a big heavy conversation initially any bigger issues can be worked on when you've got into the habit of not bickering - unless there is one particular thing that causes the bickering. So more of a "I've noticed that we..." "when that happens I feel lime..." "I want us to be happy..." type things.

I wouldn't try and have the conversation on his birthday because that'll spoil it for both of you but you don't want the evening blighted by bickers either. Good luck.

Definitely this. Otherwise the pressure for the evening becomes too great and can never live up to its own hype and that can cause problems in and of itself (been there!)

Agree to stop using bickering as a way to score points. How old are the children? Maybe it's time to break the habit of them coming into your bed by putting them back in theirs every time?

As the poster above - can you start training the children to sleep in their own bed? Even if it's hard and 'tantrummy' at the start

Will definitely try not to put too much expectation on the evening. It will just be nice to have some time together without the kids. I agree that it's a good idea to have a conversation before then so that we can both start trying to make an effort.

Regarding the Dc being in our bed. It's another thread for another time really but DD is terrified of her own shadow, won't even go in to another room in the house without an adult going with her so it's a bit of a losing battle at the moment trying to get her to sleep alone.

I can’t remember which comedian said parenthood is when you suddenly find yourself running a small crèche with someone you used to date.

A lot of having small children is about surviving each day so I’d agree don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. Ours are teens now and it’s much easier in some ways to make time for each other. We did do date nights when they were younger and the occasional weekend away. We never really managed to keep little ones out of our bed but that was ok.

That’s so true @lilyfire
Hope all goes well @dinoprincesses