Husband in denial

[cakedelights]

Hello,

Has anyone experienced telling partner the relationship isn't working anymore & you don't know what you want. In my case I have to my husband i am unhappy & don't know what I want anymore because we have had so many issues in the marriage. He just says you can't get ride of me that easily ! Then carries on as if we haven't spoken about the relationship problems or the fact I said I don't care anymore about anything!

What's the kid and housing situation?

What do u mean ?

They just block out anything they don't want to hear basically!
I've asked my OH to leave plenty of times and he always refuses. I don't know if I want to end the marriage or just need him to put more effort in.
What are some of the issues?
For us the top 2 are finances and household chores...

Do you have kids to consider? Do you own a home together or rent? Asi n how easy is it to pack a bag and leave?

We have been living apart & there has been lies and I discovered flirting texts messages from 6 years ago. We have talked about it ect but unfortunately the trust is completely shattered. I am at a place now I have come terms with the fact I can never trust him again. I know that we had so many problems & he wasn't happy ect. I have accepted all that. I just want to be friends & civil for my daughters sake who is now 15. I no longer care anymore if flirts or moves on. I never ever thought this day would come I would feel this way because he was my world at one time. I have been very independent and had no financial support from him apart from what he gives my daughter each month.

I did hang on for my daughters sake but I realised I am just making myself miserable. He's a really secretive person, don't communicate everything I find out about things then confront. Recently I found out he declared himself single on visa application when we still married & he was declaring his love for weeks to me as he's working away. When I confronted him he said the solicitor made a error on the form who filled it out for him.

You don't need his permission to end the marriage. Stop fucking about, because this is getting ridiculous. The marriage is clearly over. Get a solicitor and get the divorce in motion.

I am tired of the drama, I am now 42 he's 53. I am not gaining anything in this marriage. I am even too scared to be intimate with him because I don't know what he's been up to behind my back. Everyday I have negative thoughts about the marriage, everyday I think about divorce.

I am not perfect either over 15 yrs ago I was in contact with old ex boyfriend who lives abroad because he was someone I could confine my marriage problems in. Our relationship became caring and close. Hubby found out & accused me of all sorts when we only spoke via email. He treated me terribly over it. 5 yrs on he had an affair with a girl he met through work & left us. Kept flickering between us & got her pregnant. anyways their relationship broke down because she had to terminate pregnancy due to complications. He then came back but I kicked him out. We have been on and off since then but never been the same. To this day he says I cheated first. When I caught him texting a women to meet after a year from affair he again said I cheated first!!! So all this made me realise he will never change.

I suffer with depression and anxiety so I am worried if the way I feel is due to my mental health or because of the dynamics of my relationship

It might be ridiculous all this but I have been trauma bonded so please on comment from a understanding perspective!!! Thank u

Jas5mum.

I think if they know they have it good with u it's difficult to get rid of them! I also experienced this till I made it clear leave or I will get police involved. He soon left but resented me for it. I was lucky cos my only my name is on rent book!

Could you ask another family member to speak to him. I did struggle money wise but I managed to get by with my mums help.

Jas5mum.

It also sounds like you need some space from him to figure out what you want from your relationship. Have you considered marriage counselling? Have you told him what you need. If so and he isn't listening then only you can change the situation. Take time out to decide what you want. I do not advise anyone to leave marriage just because my own isn't working out. In my case there is no trust which is very difficult to repair. But it sounds like you still want your marriage if he made more effort!

So you don't currently live together? Stop referring to him as your partner and start calling him your ex. Don't get into a situation where sex is an option. Tell him "I don't want to get rid of you because we have a child but we are not i na relationship because it takes two and I've left it" then shut down and communication that's about you being together. Get a divorce lawyer.

Thank you for your reply.

Your right in what you have said. I just don't want it to become bitter or conflicted especially for the sake of my daughter who has recovered from a eating disorder. I want her to have two parents who can still get on. He's away at the min and I will do what you suggested though via telephone. I just hope this isn't a temporary feeling I have or due to own depression and anxiety.

We don't live together because because of the issues we've had living apart such as weed smoking ect which I refused to have it around my child. He's given up smoking now but other issues have caused significant damage. We both need to call it a day and move on now

Well he won't so you have to do it alone. Change the locks, stop having sex.

He don't have a key or access to the property! He only comes to visit daughter as he has no home or car

Change the locks on the house. No drama. It's that simple

Change the locks.

File for divorce.

Stop communication unless it's necessary about your child.

This relationship sounds like it's been absolutely toxic for years.

It's madness to continue for even one more day.

If you spend every day thinking about divorce, treat yourself and file for one.

I want her to have two parents who can still get on.

Thats a nice goal, but what she's got now is two parents who smoke weed and get other people pregnant, can't trust each other or communicate, or live together. It's not going to get much worse if you divorce is it?

Do you all a favour, see a solicitor and pull the plug.

Sorry I don't smoke weed ! We didn't get on cos of his weed addiction. I know couples who accept it in relationships but not me because it's not healthy for a child to be exposed in this environment. I choose to put my child first so I asked him to move out after the affair. I suggested don't have communication issues because I express and highlight what is wrong & how I won't tolerate things. Unfortunately communication wasn't ever his strong point.

I will do what is right for me & and I guess I shouldn't have put the message on here because people easily misunderstood and give brutal opinions which I don't mind but I wouldn't tell people what to do or make their decisions for them. I would simply guide and support them. Not assume or judge

I wasn't suggesting that you smoked weed, you did mention that he does and it seemed relevant to the issues in your relationship.

Where I was going was more that not getting a divorce because you want your daughter to have two parents who get on, doesn't really make much sense, given that the relationship you have right now doesn't seem to have much going for it? It's a sort of, can it get much worse situation? But maybe it can. Only you know that. Good luck with it all.