Never had orgasm with dp (4 years)

[meghp]

Ive only ever had one once with a partner, this was a good 15 years ago. Since then ive faked them.
With dp I've never faked it, he knows he's never made me orgasm. It bothered him initially as i was apparently the only woman that's not, with him. ( i know i know, bless him) but since then its like hes given up trying & sex is only ever about him.

Anywho, 4 years on, as much as sex is good without it, i really want to try.

Ive never told him what i want, i think i have alot of shame around the subject of asking for pleasure. But long story short i just cant pluck up the courage to ask for it.

Are there any less scary ways? Or any other advice?

Have you considered having some therapy to help you deal with your issues arising intimacy?

After 4 years - I can see how he can have given up trying to find some magic trick that works for you. And I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to so how read your mind.
If you can’t at this point say what you want directly - maybe showing it could be easier? Put his hand, etc - wherever you want it to be and direct him, or hope he gets what you are trying to communicate.
Or - break things into small pieces and see if mentioning trying X,Y, Z - may work.

It’s a good thing you are in a place where you are comfortable with him to try something new and try to solve your issues.
Hope you find a way to open up more as it could make a huge difference.

Might depend in what 'it' is? Do you even know yourself what would induce an orgasm, given its only happened once, with one partner? Why not more than that time? Perhaps it's more psychological and linked the shame you feel.

What about a sorta love note describing what you prefer ?

Cock ring for Xmas?
Or some similar toys....
Go to a hotel and get drunk then you can tell him what you want and be aw noisy as you want 😉

Have you orgasmed at all (oral / hand) or are you only talking about orgasms during penetrative sex?

You could try writing it down and giving it to him if you find it hard to say out loud. You need to tell him how you want to be touched and guide him through it. Your pleasure is important!

Have you tried woman on top position, it takes practice but usually leads to an O.

Came (pun not intended) to ask the same question.

Can you orgasm alone? Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your partner about what might help you to cum

a) can you come alone?

If not then are you trying? If you can then have you showed him how you do it? Watching and not touching can be erotic for some men as well as educational.

b) if sex is only about him now what do you mean? Is there foreplay even? Does he ever give sensual massages? Or if is a case if a bit of a touch and then he's thrusting away until he comes?

If the latter, at least start to bring some pleasure back in. Don't start with the orgasm chase. Start with actually getting some enjoyment out of it for you.

c) have you ever had sex where there was no goal? Meaning his orgasm wasn't a goal either? It was just to pleasure each other, without orgasm, "all night long" (or however long!).

Often women don't come because they need more - much more - time to relax into it. To stop thinking about whether he's going to come, whether she's going to come, etc. When you take the orgasming out and just "play", slowly, it can change the experience.

That's not an in depth answer, just headlines really.

As above really. Can you orgasm alone?

I don't necessarily expect my partner to 'give me' an orgasm. Often I use a vibrator on myself while we have sex. Happy endings, we both win. You must have decided not to do that for a reason. What was it?

If it's not a technical issue then perhaps therapy would be useful and you could explore sensual touch. Or is the issue that he doesn't try to give you pleasure at all, because it doesn't end in orgasm? If so could you decide what you want eg 10 minutes of massage so it's clear that, no, it won't end in orgasm, but you would still enjoy it.

Not if you don't orgasm from PIV alone. I never have, I need fingers/oral, I also don't like using a vibrator during PIV (too intense), prefer to use before/after.

It's about working out what works for you OP, but of course that always starts with you being able to make yourself orgasm.

Actually with the right angle when you're on top, you can get your clit to grind on his body and it can give you a clitoral orgasm with added sensation from the penetration. I think it's worth exploring

What is it you actually want to ask him for? Is there a specific 'it' that makes you orgasm?

Alone isnt a problem at all, manually or with a toy is pretty easy. Its always clitoral never from inside im not sure i can inside.

The one time i did with a partner was orally & it took a long time!

My dp never goes down on me anymore, i dont know why either, its honestly been about a year. I make sure its not because of hair etc, i dont know why he doesnt, i feel i will need that in order to enjoy it. I also need a build up, not just straight in wham bam etc

I'd imagine he doesn't because he doesn't think you like it because you don't orgasm. He is confusing lack of orgasm with lack of enjoyment. That's my guess anyway.

It's great news if you are able to orgasm alone. Next step might be you making yourself cum while he watches, or while you have sex but he isn't watching eg from behind. Do you touch yourself while having sex with him? If not, why not, and could you start?

How do you think it best to approach this discussion with him? What might work?

Have you used toys with him or do you only ever play alone? Get him involved with your own playing and he can see where/how/what you enjoy.

You have to talk to him. If you can't talk to your sexual partner about the sex you're having with them, you have bigger problems than not orgasming. He's not a mind reader, and if you've never come with him in four years of having sex it's not hard to see why he would stop offering oral or manual sex; most people would probably find it frustrating rather than fun if they never got off from it.

If you really can't raise the issue verbally then you could try texting or emailing him. But at some point you have to sit down with him and use your words to say the sex you're having doesn't work for you any more, and then work with him on a plan for what would improve it.

If you open up and say something you feel uncomfortable about, and your partner listens and takes in what you say, it's such a rewarding moment. You're opening up your heart to him, letting him in rather than shutting him out from your thoughts, and he knows that and gets a chance to say something meaningful in return. If his response is a good one, then it's a heartwarming moment that can make a relationship feel deeper. (If his response is poor then it's an informative moment.) It might feel hard to say it, but the payoff you're denying yourself in not saying it is huge, and I don't mean the orgasm!

If you can't talk to your sexual partner about the sex you're having with them, you have bigger problems than not orgasming

Exactly @astronewt

Getting pleasure from sex to the extent that you have an orgasm is different for everybody. Some ca get there by physical stimulation alone, many can't. You've got a partner who doesn't understand your needs. He's not trying to understand. That's such a turn off.

3 suggestions:

•stop using toys in particular vibrators and see if that helps. Could be that you've become kind of dependant of them.

Or

•use a vibrator during intercourse. For example a wand vibrators

•ride him and grind against him until you achieve orgasm

Stimulate your clitoris (either by hand or vibrator) during penetration. I very very rarely orgasm from penetration alone.