In the end, ex MIL slandering me to dd won!

[stirling]

Or at least that's how it feels and I am devastated at the outcome.

Hello everyone, in March of this year, I posted on here about my repulsive ex mother in law who took 14 year old dd aside during a granny visit (ex dh lives with his mummy and gf, refuses to get his own place) and spent an hour trying to poison dd with tales of what a terrible mother I was. Dd was extremely upset as was ds (17) and both refused to see her.

This inevitably brought out guilt tripping, ex telling kids that his mum is broken, won't stop crying etc.

I felt proud of my children and reassured, but over time he's managed to sneakily "add her" into visits, oh look, granny has turned up to join us all for dinner at this lovely restaurant.

Originally, kids felt very uncomfortable, but as time has gone on, they're now spending birthdays together and weekend visits are back on. I just feel betrayed and really heartbroken.

While I realise kids have been manipulated and their passive nature taken advantage of, I can't help but notice they don't really seem to mind either way.

Any advice? I'm feeling rock bottom, so no unkindness please.
Thank you mumsnet

For context, my original thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4504239-Ex-MIL-decides-to-poison-DD-against-me?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share

It’s their grandmother and what their father wants, they’re going to want to take the path of least resistance. They broke contact for a while because they recognised she was poisonous. They won’t have forgotten that. You’ve raised children who set their own boundaries and now feel comfortable having this person in their lives with their eyes open to their flaws. You should be proud of them.

They know they’ve got you. They’re not choosing her over you and they never will.

Your dc will be on their guard. She’s shown her true colours and if she starts again they’ll more than likely break contact with her again and ex mil has a lot to lose here.

Thank you both for your very logical yet comforting replies, this helps.

She hasn't won because the children didn't believe her the first time and are probably even more cautious around her now as a result, she is still playing catch up. Ultimately though there is not much you can do other than try to take a distanced appoach and avoid making the children choose sides unless a really important issue.

@stirling your ex-MIL did not necessarily ‘win.’ If your children see her, it could just mean they are happy to have some sort of relationship with their grandmother. They can do that without agreeing with what she said about you. And you don’t need them to be totally non-contact with her in order not to ‘lose.’

Definitely do stay vigilant in case she is still trying to plant untrue ideas, but your kids are old enough to form their own opinion, and I’m assuming they spend more time with you than with her and can see you through their own eyes.

Absolutely agree with other posters. Ur dc know the score but at the same time they are setting boundaries to have a relationship with their family. It's understandable they want that but it doesn't take away from you.

Thanks everyone

Your relationship with your DC sounds great, which is the important thing. Don't worry about what their relationship with her is like. It really doesn't matter.

I would reassure your children, praise them and support them to hold boundaries if they need to. I would also be available for them to speak to whenever they need to. And even biting your tongue not saying anything malicious about mil, keep it simple and focused on their feelings. Stuff like mil has a lot of strong opinions and that's OK but it's doesn't mean she is right, how did it make you feel when she said that?

Children are not dumb and can see people for what they are.

Teenagers don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to cut off Granny and piss off their father in the process.

ExMIL is Catholic and subjected my lesbian 16YO DD to a two hour long tirade about how being gay is wrong.

I wanted to rip her fucking throat out.

DD has been out to me since she was 12YO. Knew her Grandmother wouldn’t take it well, decided not to tell her until she was ready.

My own Grandmother is Catholic and had zero issues with my sister being a lesbian; she’s far more interested in us being happy than who we’re in a relationship with. I knew ExMIL would not have the same attitude.

DD ended the conversation with “I feel really fucking sorry for you”

And I got an angry phone call within 5 mins, telling me I’m a disgrace because I’ve raised a child who thinks it’s okay to swear. DD has never swore in front of me, so I was concerned as to what had upset her so much that she swore at her Grandmother.

Unsurprisingly, she didn’t tell me why DD swore at her. I found out about 10 mins later when DDs girlfriend rang me and asked me to pick them up from a park down the road from ExMILs.

Needless to say, what DD said to her was extremely tame in comparison to what I said to her that evening, having spent the day comforting DD.

DD refused to see her for months. She sees her now, but only for a few hours, around once a month.

ExMIL is very much on the periphery of DDs life now, when she goes to Uni next year she will barely see her, she won’t be meeting any of DDs girlfriends, any great grandchildren (if DD has any), a wedding (if DD gets married) etc.

DD was spot on with her parting comment to ExMIL.

When yo u said it had won I thought you meant the kids had been turned against you but that's not what you mean? They're not taking time away from you to be with Granny and repeating hurtful stuff?

If not then they're kids and kids can forgive more easily (not forget!). They'll see Granny was sad and won't do it again and they'll want to make Granny and Dad happy. Sounds ike Granny has prob learnt her lesson to keep her mouth shut.

In which case your kids and their love for you won.

I think I remember your previous posts.
And I’ll say the same as I did then.

Your relationship with your exMIL is yours. It’s not healthy to think of kids as some battleground. Or make them prove their devotion to you by choosing sides.
They haven’t betrayed you.
They rightly stood up to her when she was badmouthing you.
But time passed. People tend to move on.
She is still their grandmother, and they can have a relationship with her on their own terms, without being manipulated. They can have a relationship with her, while disagreeing with her opinion of you.

They are smart kids, who have your back. You have nothing to worry about.

Thank you again everyone, these are really grounding responses.
I just remember word for word, all the horrific completely untrue allegations where she spent an hour filling my daughters head with callous lies. And in honesty, though my children fiercely defended me at the time, the genetics of our relationship seem to have changed.
I may be paranoid, but things just aren't quite the same. If I tell them off about anything, I'm now met with a very wary, scathing attitude.
As a single mum, I've been here day and night when their father swanned off out of their lives with his considerably younger gf.

I'd be amazed if she tries to spin any lies again given that your very lovely DC didn't believe her first time round. She's learned the hard way whose side they will take.

I also think you're probably reading too much into their reactions because you're ultra sensitive to what Granny might be saying to them. Chances are they're reacting differently to tellings off because they're growing up and aren't little kids any more. Have you tried talking to them about how unsettled you're feeling because they're seeing their grandmother again?

Kids don’t do well with conflict within their families. They don’t like being in between adults that are fighting and want them to take sides in their grown up arguments.
And it is magnified even more when kids are already dealing with their own teenage issues.

I am sure your kids have already been through a lot with divorce. A few of my divorced friends’ kids developed anxiety/other issues in teenage years following contentions divorces earlier in their lives.

So - really, the best thing is to try not to involve them in your inner struggles.
Have you considered getting some help for you to deal with your divorce?
It will benefit both you and your kids, if you can move on from having it affect you this much

Wow this must be tough ❤️

It's not quite the same but when my parents divorced/father remarried it was a difficult situation (there was overlap) and I didn't see him or my new stepmum for a while. This was my own choice but was in part to protect my mother. After the had dust settled I went on to spend more time with them, but it didn't change the feelings I had toward the situation, I just decided to choose the path of least resistance. I also knew my mother was in a better place at this point.

I guess in a clunky way I'm trying to say that this is in no way a reflection on you, but it is very hard to be a child caught the middle of these situations.

Thank you all for reinforcing the message about children caught in the middle and wanting the path of least resistance.

We divorced five years ago and chose to be amicable, we were all doing well until the mil spewed this hatred and opened up old wounds for everyone with ex dh taking her side. Our family is ripped apart once more.

I was a little older than your DC but I would say at their age there's no harm in being open with them about how you're feeling (trust me, they'll sense it anyway), but do it in a way that isn't going to make them feel guilty for spending time with their dad/grandma.

I had a very open dialogue with my mum, which helped, although I suspect she would have been even more open with her friends. Make sure you do that too ❤️

I think some individual therapy might be helpful for you. Your kids are getting older and the changes you perceive sound very much like typical teenage attitude problems. The language you use makes it seem like you're still in quite a lot of pain and feel fairly threatened. I'd focus on your relationship with your kids and simply ignore your ex and his mother. They truly are nothing to do with you and you can't control them.

Calphurnia88 someone else said this to me too, a friend in RL. It makes sense and yes I have been quite open with them throughout. I have never been very good at hiding my emotions.
plinkypots thank you and yes, youre right - started therapy again recently