Severe ptsd due to childhood abuse

[Irealisenow]

I’m starting therapy for this next week. I’m nervous.

The abuse I suffered was 95% emotional and 5% physical. I’m so so damaged. I am just having counselling and I don’t know where to start ? Do I start from my earliest memories and go through in order ? Do I explain the worst bits even though they came much later on ? I’m feeling quite stressed about taking this step

In a first session you don’t need to talk about it at all if you’re not ready - this person is a stranger to you, it’s ok to get a feel for them. Maybe start with how things are for you just now, the things that impact you day by day and what feels most urgent. If your therapist is experienced in working with trauma (which you need given your experience), they’ll help guide you in how to talk about it when the time is right, but no pressure to go into detail in that first session.

Similar history here ❤
I've had limited benefit from talking therapies, although I would still go. This is your time to be heard. Start anywhere.
I tend to start in early years and do a quick timeline and then the conversion comes alive.
I've come on the say please read or even better listen to The Body Keeps The Score.
Really, please do, it's been a h7ghe enlightenment for me.
Love to you 💐

Thank you

Im just so nervous I’m worried I’ll either be unable to speak (trued therapy in the past but I always got severe chest pain so had to stop) or that I’ll open my mouth and everything will full out like a tangled mess of tears and words and it won’t make any sense

*huge enlightenment

It’s so hard isn’t it. I just don’t feel like I even know myself I feel like all the things that should have been there in my early development were lacking so my mind has developed wrong and I struggle so so much . I need to let everything out in a safe space

Tangled mess of tears and words is OK and a good start.
The appointment is for you. Whether it's tears or silence, your counsellor wont judge you.

Theories abound about childhood trauma and development of self....The Body Keeps the Score is so so so informative and I found it made so much sense to me and my experience.

I just need to somehow stop myself getting the chest pain. Certain parts of the abuse cause it whenever I talk about it it’s literally crushing chest pain but I need to have therapy for what happened so I need to get through it somehow

I will look into it. I feel like I’m emotionally very immature almost stuck as a teenager in some ways when the most serious things took place. Prior to that as a toddler and younger child I was always in a state of high alert I think and felt like I was never on stable ground i never knew from one minute to the next how I’d be treated my stress levels were so high

Have you tried propanalol?

No is that something my gp can prescribe?

Just want to send love ❤️

The first session can be as slow as you wish it to be. You could explain you need to take it slow and would like to hear how they, the therapist, would help someone who might find it hard to start to tackle therapy. Ask about their approach. And get a sense of whether you like them or not - they may not be the right therapist for you and that’s ok.

You are allowed to suss things out and get a sense of how it might feel to open up to this new person, before you get into chest-hurting territory.

Hopefully they will be great and you’ll build up trust. If you’re not sure, keep looking for someone else. Hugs OP x

Thankyou x

Gosh, you sound a little like me. I can totally understand what you mean when you talk about feeling like a teenager and constantly feeling on high alert. I am now excellent at reading people and knowing what frame of mind they're in etc. It's exhausting.
I had talk therapy for a while. If you open your mouth and it all comes out in a heap; that's ok. They will let you talk and then they will talk about different aspects, take you back or whatever. And at your pace too.
Feel free to message if you want to chat

I just need to somehow stop myself getting the chest pain. Certain parts of the abuse cause it whenever I talk about it it’s literally crushing chest pain but I need to have therapy for what happened so I need to get through it somehow

Try not to pressure yourself, that pain is there for a reason - give yourself time to develop trust in your therapist and, if they have the right experience, they’ll help you through it. The pain doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to talk about it, it’s just going to take some time - maybe talk about the stuff that you can, see how the therapist responds, which helps you know (at a subconscious level) that you can talk about it and will help you talk more. Think of each session as taking the next step, you wouldn’t jump from the top of a staircase all the way to the bottom - you take one step then another. This is the same and some steps will be baby steps and sometimes you’ll need to spend some time sitting on the stairs before you go again.

Try not to put pressure on yourself. I’d also recommend Pete Walker Surviving to Thriving - it’s a much easier read than The Body Keeps the Score and explains why you feel so young at times, why you have physical reactions to emotions and is generally excellent at explaining complex trauma, which is what you’re dealing with here.

My best advice for your first session is not to think about it too much, just go and see what happens, what you’re able to talk about and how the therapist is.

Sorry to jump in

could you please let me know how your counselling went?

I have PTSD myself but not from my childhood.

I am aware I need to seek help but I haven’t dared because I’m unsure what to expect from speaking to somebody.