Is this emotional abuse of DS

[Sweetie1980]

I am currently going through a hard divorce . I filed in 2020 as exDH is verbally and emotionally abusive. We are going through solicitors to get finances sorted and house sold . I have two DC. Ex can be a good dad but I am concerned the emotional abuse is starting with my son . If my son is playing up ( he is 11 ) DH is quick to anger and will sometimes scream at him , when my DS cries ex will say things like stop crying like a baby and stop playing the victim ( he gets this a lot ) this is something he would say to me if I cried during an argument). I stopped crying at all after a while as I was so numb to it .my son said tonight that he feels his mental health is being affected and it takes him ages to get to sleep because ex shouts at him so much . I am so heartbroken by this . Ex wants 50/50 even though I do the lions share of the parenting as I have been the primary carer . I also have a young daughter and I worry how he will be with her in a few years . Am I over reacting to think this is emotional abuse ? Please help if you can .

Bump

I'm sorry, but It sounds like emotional abuse to me. I think you need to see what you can do to try to protect your son from it. 50/50 care does not seem like a good idea for the future if your DH continues to behave like this, and, in fact, it sounds as if damage is being done to your son now which needs to be addressed ASAP. Can you ask your solicitors for advice in the first instance?

Isn't your son getting close to the age when the child's wishes are taken into account when divvying up their time with each parent?

If you can afford a counsellor for your son, that might help too.

Thanks for the reply . I did bring this up in mediation and he talked his way out of it ? Which he is good at doing ) . I shouldn’t have even tried . I will speak to my solicitor again .my DS will also say I that he will say sorry ( even if it’s not his fault) so his dad is happy again and he can talk to him again . I will be getting him a councillor.

Abusive men often demand 50/50 as a further attempt to punish the woman and to regain power and control. He is just using this as a stick to further bash you with. He’s not bothered with either child here because if he was he would not abuse you in the first place.

he is also actively abusing his eldest child and will start on your youngest at some stage if he is not already doing so.

Mediation is never recommended when dealing with abusers.

Would speak to Womens Aid as a matter of urgency if you have not already done so in addition to your Solicitor.

And NO he is not a good dad so please put that notion out of your head. Why did you write that of him? Women in poor relationships write that when they have nothing else positive to write about their man.

I wrote that because he is good with dcs education and provides for them . It’s his temper that worries me and the horrible words he is capable of saying , I don’t care what he says to me now but I am very concerned about DC. How do I prove this sort of stuff ? And not just come across as the mum that doesn’t want to give up half of the time with the kids . Before I filed for divorce I mentioned him smashing something in front of kids that scared them to the GP as I was very anxious .

I really don’t know what to do about the situation. How do I prove it ? My DS has only just turned 11 so I don’t know if he would have any say about where he lives . I had to cuddle him a lot tonight night as Ex shouted at him again and says he is his mothers son and how he will hate be when he is older . Why do abusers accuse the victim of being abusive ? This is what I am constantly getting now .

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He’s good with Dcs education and provides for them?. Your bar re a good dad needs to be urgently raised upwards because that is the barest of bare minimal requirements. He’s done a number on you here and I think you do far more than he does or ever did. He likely wants 50/50 as well as a further way of avoiding maintenance. If this man is abusive to you it’s the same deal for your child too.

Do not further engage with him, let your solicitor deal with him. All he is doing now to you is DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender) which is a tactic used by such men.

Have you informed your Solicitor about the report you made to your GP re this man smashing things?. How useful is your solicitor here or has been to you?.
I would urge you to talk to Womens Aid too particularly if you have not already done this.

Thanks I will speak to women’s aid and contact my solicitor . I am waiting for him to reply to my latest solicitor letter . I am worried my son will not speak up and tell the truth but I do have to flight this 50/50 . Even though my son is going through all this he still doesn’t want us to divorce , I think ye is trauma bonded to his dad.

Keep a diary. Record everything of any importance.
It's hard to evidence this kind of abuse. But if you think he is abusing your son you need to take every chance to gain evidence of it.
If he's verbally abusive ay drop offs or collections get a dictaphone? Or able to record on your phone ?
Also have you said he's abusive towards you? As mediation isn't recommended in these situation. Shuttle mediation is recommended.
Maybe suggest contact for shorter amounts of time (so no over night's). This could help reduce the stress for your son.

Push it with your solicitor about what can be done to prevent 50:50 from happening. It is not good for your DS what is happening here. You can already see an effect on him.
My DS is a teenager now and will never, ever say anything to his father that will risk triggering his father. He is so confident and self assured around everyone else and around his father he is a completely different person. We thankfully never had 50:50. Ex can’t work out why DS will only do monthly visits now instead of EOW and that usually only happens because of the guilt trip Ex lays on. I can’t say too much so that DS doesn’t get an earful from his father.
You find yourself in a tricky situation OP, because on one hand you can’t be interfering in child’s relationship with his father as it’s not looked on favourably, but you also need to protect your child and help them learn to manage difficult people. Do contact womens aid. You need as much support as possible to make sure your DC don’t spend half their time with a man like this.

No mediation of any sort is recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. The counsellor may well not recognise the power and control dynamics being played out and could inadvertently make things worse. The mediator has no power to impose a resolution of the dispute on the parties, the parties must be willing to compromise. He is clearly not up for any compromise of any sort.

Hello
I really need some advice and help. I am in a relationship that I have been in for 12 years. Yes it's had many up and downs but things have happened that I should have left a long time ago. My partner has lied cheated done some awful things. The latest is more emotional abuse. He treats me like I am a slave as apparently its me who should do all the cooking cleaning etc. My family are bad mouthed all the time by him. My daughter from a previous relationship is often used to me nasty towards me. He threatens me ignores me uses me. When I get strong enough to get sorted to leave he says sorry and promises to change then it goes all back to the same horrible shit again. I feel like I am going mad. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere but I am completely dependent on him and he knows this. I have been stripped of all my independence. I am stuck!!!

@Sow87
Sorry that you are in such a horrible situation. I think it would be worth you starting up a new thread for your post above as it has become "lost", I think, in this one. I am sure that people more knowledgeable than me will be able to give you advice when they see your new post. Make a plan, is my advice.