How do you know if your relationship is making you unhappy?

[alldayidreamaboutfood]

Just that really.

How do you know if the relationship/marriage is why you're feeling unhappy in life or if it's more from other factors?

I’m interested in your replies. Wondering if peri is my problem, or maybe post covid.

I think when the thought of the other person not being there is a relief most of the time. Just finished a 3.5 yr relationship when I realised he was actually causing more of my anxiety than he was contributing to my happiness. I feel
a bit sad to lose the happy bits but as if I can breathe again without the stuff that stressed be out.

When you fantasise about your partner coming out as gay (this was mine for years!)
Thinking about life without them or what would life be like with someone else etc is a good indication I think.

I feel @XmasElf10 explained how I also felt. I realised that I longed for the feeling of freedom and when I thought about what I could do if I was without him, I felt excited and I felt relief. Any other factors were in fact easier to deal with once I removed him from my life.
It took me a while to work it out. I wrote it all down as a list of problems and solutions and worked my way through it. He really was most of the problems and there was only one solution 😆

I totally agree with @XmasElf1

I've just finished an 8 year relationship. He works shifts and I was aware that in the last 6 months or so I was genuinely happy when I realised he was working all weekend and I wouldn't have to see him.

I also noticed that when it was just DC and me, the house was much calmer and happier (he's not their dad).

I too am sad about the nice sides of him but I just feel like I can finally breathe again. I also haven't missed him at all, and he left two months ago.

When you are happier on your own (especially if you go away without him and have a better time than if you were with him). You enjoy times with friends more than you do with him. Do you dread him coming home? Do you imagine life without him or wish that he simply didn’t come home again?

I’m my usual cheerful self when I’m with my kid, my family, friends, work colleagues.

i’m often on edge with him. It’s him causing it. He will try to blame me. But it’s him...

When I stopped looking forward to seeing him, when I didn’t want to talk to him as much as I usually do, when I felt like we were just friends with some sex thrown in, when I started feeling lonely even when they were right next to me.

When you dread them coming home.
When you only feel yourself when they are not around.
When you fantasise about how much money you need to leave (and start saving/earning it).
Those were mine.

The first half of your post very much describes it for me. Happier when out either on my own or with friends, the feeling returns when I'm back home. So it's either him or the home environment.

I'm at a loss what to do tbh. He's not awful. We have been together from 18 to 35, get along well for the most part but there's no spark, affection, attention, intimacy. But we have built a life together - our families are so close, we know each other inside out. I'm so torn with what to do. I have heard of the sunk costs fallacy but not sure I have the strength to turn my whole world upside down, and potentially risk being even more unhappy.

This is my situation entirely, but without any sex.

I've started thinking of your third point lately. Which is another worry as I don't know when I'd be financially secure enough. I'm not married.

For those of you in a similar boat who chose to stay for now - how did you reach this decision? And do you think eventually you will leave, or have you just accepted this is your lot?

All of the above. Looking forward to him going away, dreading him coming back, preferring finding jobs to do around the house or going to the shop rather than sit on the sofa with him on an evening, hoping he's gay, all the way up to hoping he just goes out one day and doesn't come back. I'm waiting for the 'big thing' so I can call it a day, but it keeps all being the little things that add up....

What stops you all wanting to end the relationship when you feel this way?

For me I just feel so on the fence and uncertain. I want to be sure it's the relationship before I do anything I regret.

But it's more because I don't dislike him, I don't want to lose our 'friendship' and all the shared history. To some level I guess it's stick with what's comfortable and what I know. There's a lot of other factors too.. finances, family, combined social lives, shared hobbies and lifestyle.. it's not like I'm fully miserable - but I think on an underlying level I'm not happy in the relationship and key things are missing.

If it was clear black and white it would be a much easier decision but it's not, and I find it very stressful and overwhelming to think about, yet equally I can't just ignore it as it's really affecting me.

in my case it was because I felt old, unattractive and I have a health issue so figured he was the best I could get. And he seemed to like me regardless of these flaws when no one else would.

Luckily we didn’t live together so it was easier to break away but it took 10 years to do so.

For me , it was getting my financial independence back. I had my own home before DH , i was glad to get my own home back again . Also, the sex, god it was awful and i just lost interest . Was glad to be free to sleep with other people and enjoy that side of myself again. We were totally mismatched and his constant boring reading and football obsession was slowly killing me.

Originally with my DH (now ex) I hung on as he was DDs dad and I didn’t want to break up the family. I didn’t want to pay him maintenance either and he didn’t work.

With my recent DP of 3years I just felt bad for hurting him. He is a nice guy but he just came with too many complications/compromises. I have now finished it.

Mine ended abruptly after finding out he was in secret contact with his first love from 20years ago (a 10 month fling that he struggled to get over for years). This was 3 weeks ago. But the last year had been awful. When he used to come in from work I would go to bed to "charge my phone", I felt so lonely being in his presence. Conversation felt forced. I was embarrassed to go anywhere with him as I found him rude. He mostly ignored me and the kids preferring his phone. But after 17years, 3 kids and a business I clung on, we both did but then that message was the final straw. I never trusted him and to think of trusting him even less now would wreck me mentally

God, this is me almost word for word. When I read other threads about failing relationships they usually involve deceit, abuse, neglect.. Feel so guilty wanting (and fantasising) about being free from a relationship with a good man, loves his kids, helps so much at home but is an emotional vacuum, no fun, laughter, intimacy..
I just don’t love him which makes me sound cruel but he has also shut me out for our entire marriage.
Sometimes I think I will wait until our kids are all finished school (3 years away) but others I think I can’t stand another Xmas, family holiday etc. together.
😢

we know each other inside out

I think you're kidding yourself, OP. He might be feeling the same way as you (unsure about whether to continue the relationship), and if you don't know that about each other, you're seriously not on 'inside out' levels. Knowing a lot about each other is something anyone can do. Understanding each other's feelings is intimacy, and it doesn't look like you have that.

Is it that you want him but you want deeper feelings shared?

@KnittingDiva shutting you out of the marriage is neglect 😔 its emotional abuse and extremely damaging