Single parent and relationship advice

[WeeOne27]

Hi,

Looking for advice. I have found it difficult letting my partner of 9 months in my life more as I have a full time shift work job and 2 children aged 10 and 7, so life is busy and full on. I've spent a lot of time the past 5 years since becoming a single paprent and getting divorced wondering how I will allow someone in more, be part of that chaotic life, how will living arrangements work, will I have more children etc.....

The past few months have taught me that this will be very hard. Having him around more at times has caused difficulties in parenting, disciplining and I like my own space too much. I'm almost 40 and my parents health are starting to deteriorate.

This has made me decide that I don't see myself living with another partner or there being more to a relationship than what it is right now until my children are much older,probably moved out.

My partner is pretty set on having a child of his own and getting married, and I really don't want that for a variety of reasons. I'm planning on telling him this so we can decide where we go from here as he's had his emotions played with in the past and I'd rather be up front about my decisions sooner rather than later.

I'd like to hear thoughts from others who've maybe been in similar situations, any opinions welcome.

If you’ve only been with him for 9 months then he isn’t a partner - he’s a boyfriend.
yes tell him you don’t want any more kids asap so he has the information to make a choice of what he wants, as it could seem like you’re stringing him along otherwise .
But he really shouldn’t be this involved in your family life and kids lives so early on . No wonder it’s causing problems. Slow down a little .

Just to give you a little more information he's been in my life for over 2 years, first as a friend. Everyone has their own opinions on how much or little a partner or boyfriend should be in your life when there's kids around. I wasn't looking for judgement, merely advice on the situation. It would have been strange if when our relationship progressed from friendship, that he suddenly wasn't around. He's around the kids around once a fortnight when he'll stay over and spend the day with us. But as time's went on I've found it too overwhelming when I'm running around doing washings, batch cooking and transporting kids here and there as that's how my weekends usually unfold when the kids are with me and not their dad.

Hey you are putting a lot of energy into your kids and good for you, they need you. I am in agreement that adding more kids into the mix would be a step back as you are just regaining freedom. Respect that voice. It’s telling you that your kids need you a lot after separation and their welfare and not your boyfriends is paramount. I think you know what you need to do but doing it is not that easy. Trust your voice. Men come and go. Kids are priority right now when they need you the most. No harm in scaling back to friendship and feel zero guilt. If you respect your priorities they will respect you back.

It is expected that it's complicated at this point in time. I believe it's natural that you are facing the problems you have explained.
Firstly, remember that you have some baggage from your previous relationship (he probably does or doesn't - but this will influence his understanding of your reaction or expectation.)
You both should have an honest chat about what the deal breakers are, what are the comprises you both can or cannot make.
You may want to remarry in the future (considering you were friends before you got into a relationship, it can be grounds for either a strong or shaky relationship) totally depends on how honest you are with each other. If you are both in your 40s you know the good, bad, ugliness and consequences of not having an open and honest relationship. Also, it's so important that you build a strong foundation with your future partner. Don't use kids as an excuse to make your decision - there's no problem that cannot be solved if you both work it out. Similarly, the smallest problems can end to becoming the biggest issues if you both cannot agree to a common solution. Wishing you the best in your decisions and your future.

Thank you 😊