Hi everyone 👋Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond to this thread. It is a bit lengthy. I wanted to give more context.
So…
I'm starting to think I may be very problematic and clearly unlikable. At the age of 26, I should have more than three friends, two of those people are my cousins.. so technically I only have one friend. I have five acquaintances that I met at previous jobs but they're just that, I can't see those relationships developing into anything more.
BACKGROUND.
A little bit about me: I am 26, currently living in the midwest with my boyfriend of three years. I work as a medical assistant and I just recently enrolled in a nursing program. I have a younger sister and an older brother. We all grew up very sheltered in a Christian two parent household. I left home (Wisconsin) at the age of 18 to attended NIU, but unfortunately did not finish my last year. I am in the process of rebuilding and pursuing the goals I neglected earlier in life. I think I’m a nice person. I consider myself to have a good heart, pure intentions and my interactions with people are genuine. Aside from people complimenting me often on my aesthetics, the personality traits that have drawn people toward me is my sense of humor, having substance and being able to engage in stimulating intellectual conversations. I’m very honest and transparent. Loyal. I can be reserved depending on the situation and the people I am around at the time. I know how to be outspoken when necessary. I think that would make me an ambivert? I have moral and values. Goal oriented and spiritual. Once you get to know me, I’m pretty fun to be around and I’ll go to war about you. That’s how much I value my relationships with my loved ones.
FRIENDSHIP HISTORY.
The other seven close friendships I had all ended on bad terms. Each of those people I've known since middle school and at the age of 18, the friendships became long distance due to me leaving my home state. I started to fall out with those individuals between the years of 2018 - 2021. Just recently, this year as a matter of fact, the only girl I was still friends with from that group ended a few months ago. She was my best friend in fact. She pretty much told me she’d outgrown our friendship and that she couldn’t continue to pour into me because I stopped pouring into myself. She is a college graduate (has a masters) and is working in politics. She very successful now. I have not been able to make authentic connections in my adulthood. Even my younger sister and I are not on speaking terms at this present time. I've come to the conclusion that I must be the problem. I've tried to make friends in my adult life from jobs I've had and different colleges I've attended but they all seemed to be surface level. Eventually we mutually parted ways.
The last attempt I made to make friends was last year. My sister and I had an apartment together and worked at the same company. We met two girls while employed there that we meshed well with and began to develop a friendship with them, at least I thought. I took the initiative to invite the girls to brunch with my sister and I so that we all could become more acquainted. We quickly began hanging out on the weekends and it was pretty evident in the office that we were all really close. Some of the other employees in the office gave us the nickname, the fab four. At the time I was the only one in a relationship so there were times where I would decline hanging out with them if I already had plans with my boyfriend.
I soon began to notice how the two girls started to become closer with my sister. At some point I started feeling like the fourth wheel when we'd all get together. Fast forward a few months later, I ended up getting terminated from my position with the company due to a verbal altercation with another employee. I was let go in the middle of a work shift in front of everyone including my sister and our two friends. I was immediately escorted out of the building. It was humiliating and beyond embarrassing.
I kept my composure until I got to my car where I broke down in tears. All I could do was drive to my boyfriends house for comfort. Hours went by before I realized I had not heard from my sister nor my friends. None of them called or text to make sure I was ok long after each of their shifts ended. I decided to text the group chat expressing my frustration and hurt by them for not having the decency to check on me. Each of them said they wanted to give me space to process my emotions and assured me that they do indeed care. I felt like their response wasn't genuine and truly believe if it were anyone else in our group that was let go, everyone would have contacted them immediately. Shortly after, my sister and I started arguing all the time and decided living together was no longer going to work out. I am very clean and she is the total opposite. We were also getting complaints from other tenants about her dogs excessive barking. I felt like she was not respectful of our space and she felt like I complained about anything that was out of order. I ended up breaking the lease and moving in with my boyfriend while she moved into a one bedroom in the same apartment complex her and I shared. After I lost my job, my sister and the other two girls started hanging out more ofter and they would not invite me. I was hurt and confused because I was nothing but nice to these girls. I feel like they took my sisters side once her and I stopped talking instead of remaining neutral like the friends they claimed to be.
CONCLUSION.
Since then I have not tried to make anymore connections. I don’t even try to initiate conversations in my nursing program. First impressions are everything and since I’ve kind of stayed to myself the first few weeks, everyone has already formed their social groups. I am pretty quiet in class and should definitely participate more. People view me as cold and closed off now. I want to open up and show my personality but something in me doesn’t allow that anymore. I am a lot more anxious and just recently started experiencing panic attacks. Hearing all of the negative things my “friends” and some family members have said about me over the years, that I’m selfish, manipulative, self-centered, hypocritical, too opinionated, pessimistic, impatient, lack ambition and more, has caused me to shutdown. My boyfriend has never really said anything about me not being able to maintain friendships until this year. He has recently started to question me about it. I’m starting to feel judged by him now. He still has all of his close childhood friends, he’s advancing in his career and is overall a likable person. People no matter their background gravitate toward his positive energy. Then there’s me, apparently the total opposite. I feel so alone at times. I sometimes think who the hell I’d have in my wedding since I don’t have any friends. I also fear my boyfriend leaving me for the same reasons my best friend no longer wanted to continue a friendship with me. I am very depressed and now have social anxiety. It is not severe but it is becoming. I lost myself or maybe I never really knew who I was along. I feel like I’ve been putting up a facade and once people got to know the real me, they didn’t like it. I’m starting to realize I have a lot of character flaws. I feel empty and lifeless at times. I’m not enjoying my 20’s and I’ve lost my passion for a lot of things. I try to remain vibrant on the outside and appear to have it together but I honestly don’t. With all of that being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I am the common denominator and the reason why most of those friendships ended.