Hello everyone,
I don't want no judgement but an insight into my own thoughts and don't know if what I'm doing or feeling is normal.
I was with my ex for many many years. We do have DC's. When we were 15, he pressured me to have sex, it was awful, everyday, at the park, in his house, in a block, he would want it every time. The minute I rejected, he would become angry, threatened to break up with me, I was so in love with him that I did his bidding. I wanted to wait until marriage (when I was that age) to have sex. I didn't want to be having sex at 15 but I was afraid of his reaction. But I hated it and don't enjoy it.
Because of that, we are now in our 30's, sex has always been an issue. I often reject him when it comes to sex, not because I'm not attracted to him or don't want him. He is very attractive. But because of our past experiences, I felt like I was his "toilet" used and my body was good for one thing. I believe that by saying no, I am protecting my integrity. It's like me saying to myself "I don't care if you leave me, if I don't want to have sex, then I don't". Understandingly, this used to upset my ex at the time. When I would say no, he would become very angry, sulking, saying "oh look at that girls bum!" When out an about.
There was a long period were we broke up and because he was my first of everything. I didn't get much to experiment in my late teens and 20's. So I had one or two sexual encounters. But this felt a bit different. I didn't feel used as we both stated what weren't looking/not looking for and whenever I said I wanted to stop, they would respect my choice and did not pressure me to do this and that and were happy to have a cop of tea and watch telly. I found it odd at the time as I never experienced this with my ex.
Two years after, my ex and I got back together and I stupidly told him
Of my sexual encounters, he couldn't understand why, in his words "I was free to give my pussy to someone else" but when it comes to him, it is a battle and that he has to wait a long time to have sex with him. I just don't know what to say to this. What could be the reason? Am I right to feel the way I do?
My partner is a bit upset with me because I do not