What would you do?

[Tink43]

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She was very young (20) when I was born, we didn’t have much money , she was a single parent and she drank too much. She made decisions that in hindsight she says she is sorry for - they left me very vulnerable as a child and I was sexually and physically abused as a consequence.

As soon as I was able I left to live with my father (who unfortunately had a stroke). We had a wonderful relationship until he died (he was unaware of what happened when I was younger, which I am pleased about). My relationship with my mother has always been strained and I have kept her at arms length.

Since my father died I have made more of an effort to get to know her- I am lonely but now I think this may be a mistake?

She came to visit me yesterday . Shortly after she arrived a neighbour knocked (must have seen her come) - he is mentally unstable and/or on Class A drugs. I am afraid of him (have witnessed several violent outbursts over the ten plus years I have lived here- which she is aware of). I wasn’t going to answer but he had heard/seen us go in and I didn’t want to annoy him. He asked if we wanted a hat or scarf. I politely declined but my Mum said she would be interested . Whilst he went to retrieve them I clarified that my Mother didn’t actually have any money. I asked how she intended to pay for anything he brought - she said she wouldn't, she would just tell him to go.I said what if he was annoyed, as he can get? She said she didn’t care as she wouldn’t see him again. I reminded her that I lived there and saw him regularly. In the end I found £15 cash (all I had on me) , gave it to him and he left. I am worried that he is now going to start knocking asking for money and get annoyed/ angry if I don’t answer? He is often begging in the road and gets aggressive with it.

Why am I writing this? I suppose I feel disappointed that my Mum continues to create difficult situations for me. I don’t know if that is reasonable? I appreciate it may be (I know that ultimately if he creates problems then it is down to him) but I feel she has sort of encouraged him/ whenever I am near her trouble seems to follow: I wanted to keep him at arms length- but she pressed it. Her actions remind me of all the difficult times when I was younger (when she would leave me with prostitutes and drug dealers etc). I know that she says she doesn’t intend to cause me harm but it always ends up in my being hurt (she never seems to get harmed) and so the intention doesn’t really matter?

I am lonely and she has lots of good points so let her in but she makes me feel very vulnerable , anxious and afraid. Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle this ?- if you just want a quiet/ peaceful life? Thank you

You grew up in a very unsafe and unstable environment. It's no wonder you feel on edge and stressed after what your mother did with your neighbour. It then becomes a situation out of your control and I should imagine you don't put yourself in situations like that. Is there anywhere neutral you could meet your mother for a while so that your safe space isn't being compromised in anyway. It seems that she has an issue with not only her own boundaries but yours too and you don't deserve this. If it is easier to have her at arms length to protect yourself I would do that. Are you able to discuss any of this with her or is it something she wouldn't listen to? You have to put your needs first and being made to feel this anxious in your own home is not acceptable. Have you got any friends of family that can help support you?

Thank you. I think that’s very sensible. I will arrange to speak to her away from my home . I don’t think she will understand - she sort of seems to float through life oblivious to the drama around her. It’s exhausting and I just can’t be part of it.

Unfortunately I don’t really have any other family now my father has died (an only child) and I became quite isolated from friends whilst caring for him. I know that in the coming months I need to work hard to establish other /safer relationships. Just not as easy as when I was younger.

You do not owe your mother anything her let alone a relationship now. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she is very much still the same.

What are her good points?. I ask as none are evident in your post. People love their parent too no matter how crap they actually are,

Do you work outside the home?. How can you become less socially isolated and or vulnerable to such approaches from people all too happy to take advantage of you?. You need help establishing boundaries and dealing with the trauma of your upbringing. None of this is your fault.At the very least I would no longer let either your mother or this unstable man into your home. I would phone the police every time this man makes approaches, I presume he is already known to them.

NAPAC could be worth your while contacting here. The abuse and neglect you saw and suffered was not your fault, that is on the adults who failed to protect you.

The thing is, even if she’s sorry for letting bad things happened to you, she is still the same person who let them happen, and it sounds to me like she hasn’t really changed in that respect.
sadly for you this means that if you want to have a relationship with her you’re going to have to be very careful about the situations you allow yourself to get into with her, and accept that sometimes you can’t control things as much as you like and she might mess things up for you regardless. it’s a risk benefit analysis thing I’m afraid, there is no changing her so you have to accept her with all the risks it might bring and mitigate as best you can. If it’s too much for you then you’ll have to reduce contact accordingly or not have contact at all. Sorry OP, it’s a difficult situation and not one where you can win.