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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Early controlling behaviour

12 replies

Babblebobble · 04/12/2022 07:40

Met someone through OLD after years of being pretty happily single ..he was hot, intelligent, good conversation on 1st date. He asked for a kiss which was ok , the second was a weird snog involved him being more forceful and only giving me one nostril to breathe in and out of! It went on a bit too long. I didn't say or do anything... should I have walked away there and then?! Do you think it was deliberate? I'm on my guard after having had abusive relationships before

OP posts:
Paq · 04/12/2022 07:56

Too little information, he could just be a bad kisser!

What does your gut tell you?

Original poster
Babblebobble · 04/12/2022 09:40

Well.. I saw him for a few months after and its just finished ..there were other signs and I broke it off couple of times but went back ..I think I should have trusted my initial gut instinct but hard to resist . For instance he squeezed me and pressed ribs too hard and left bruises felt like marking territory..

OP posts:
Idontdoyoga · 04/12/2022 09:43

Oh my goodness. You’ve dodged a bullet there.
What nonsense is this “marking his territory?”
It might have been red marks around your neck next.
Im so glad you’ve finished it.

jeaux90 · 04/12/2022 10:27

Grim. Bullet dodged!

something2say · 04/12/2022 10:29

Either way, if he handled you too strongly for your comfort, he is not right for you. Its OK to move on and find someone better.

Original poster
Babblebobble · 04/12/2022 10:35

What worries me is I put up with it to see if he improves.. I need to get out at the first sign don't I, trust my intuition!. He was very good with his words etc and cooking for me etc etc but moody when I was late and didn't want to do things I wanted to. He even said I should relax more and that I had ADHD ...twat

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 05/12/2022 13:46

He was checking your boundaries to see what you would accept. Check out The Gift of Fear book and the Shark Cage Metaphor. www.thesharkcage.com/

Don't be too hard on yourself and instead congratulate yourself. You noticed it in the moment and that eventually you acted on it. If it was easy to do, you would have acted on it immediately as soon as the issue reared its ugly head.

It's a process and you are working on it about the signs but you were getting better at it and if you take steps to improve how you trust your instinct then it will continue to become more precise.

Next time it may take you 6 weeks to shut down the relationship. But it will still have been better than 3 months. Then the next time it may take you 2 weeks and then the time after that it may take you one day and then eventually you will be able to notice it in the moment and deal with it immediately. That is your goal. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to do it immediately.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2022 13:48

Bleurghhhhh disgusting 🤢 story

billy1966 · 05/12/2022 17:50

Justtryingtobehelpful · 05/12/2022 13:46

He was checking your boundaries to see what you would accept. Check out The Gift of Fear book and the Shark Cage Metaphor. www.thesharkcage.com/

Don't be too hard on yourself and instead congratulate yourself. You noticed it in the moment and that eventually you acted on it. If it was easy to do, you would have acted on it immediately as soon as the issue reared its ugly head.

It's a process and you are working on it about the signs but you were getting better at it and if you take steps to improve how you trust your instinct then it will continue to become more precise.

Next time it may take you 6 weeks to shut down the relationship. But it will still have been better than 3 months. Then the next time it may take you 2 weeks and then the time after that it may take you one day and then eventually you will be able to notice it in the moment and deal with it immediately. That is your goal. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to do it immediately.

Absolutely this.

The gift of fear is a great book.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 05/12/2022 20:48

Check out Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That?'

Also, check out his as he explains himself even more in those.

Irridescantshimmmer · 05/12/2022 20:59

As he left you with bruises then thats assault.

He's a complete waste if organs, one day he'll meet a wonan who will be giving him the bruises then he'll know what it feels like.

Glad you left him OP.

Original poster
Babblebobble · 05/12/2022 22:43

Thank you for this. I feel exhausted by the experience but relieved.

OP posts:
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