How can I deal with this relationship?

[KShaun]

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and a half. Prior to this relationship I went through a lot and at the time when my current boyfriend came along, I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship because of my previous heartbreak. I was still trying to find myself at this point and I made it clear to him but of course he persisted for months and I decided to give it a try because I knew I really liked him. I tried my best to not bring any baggage over, so that I was able to give him a fair chance and that I did.

We started out pretty nicely until some red flags started to raise themselves and I tried to be very careful of ignoring them. But each time something came up we go through our phase of disappointment and be all good again.

The first thing I noticed or I tried to figure out was if he is controlling. He is very possessive and jealous when it comes on to me. There were times when he would get upset if he sees me talking to anyone (male) very closely which is just casually or even texting. He would search my phone and things like that. We had our quarrels over those kind of things until I felt like it got better. I wouldn't say the jealousy is gone but I haven't really had any occurrences of such in a little while.

He is a person who it is very difficult to have a conversation with. He only sees things his way and no other way. There have been times when I would communicate something to him or raise an issue and he things I mean one thing when I really mean something else. And even when I try to explain myself he keeps dwelling on what he is thinking I am saying. It's either that or he just ignores or he responds with things that has nothing to do with what I was trying to say and this can be very frustrating.

We are on two different sides of the spectrum where education is concerned. I am a university graduate while he has not completed.

This doesn't make me look at him as less than in any way. I love him. I fell in love with the kind, helpful, dependable, hard working, thoughtful person who he is. He truly takes care of me in different ways. We do not live together and will not until we are settled and married; we are still living with our families in separate homes because we are Christians.

Another issue is that I have found where he has lied to me before. He has not been open and truthful about somethings because of fear of what I might think. He thinks if I see him talking with a female, I am going to get upset and so he will do everything to hide it. And when I press that is when he will admit that he was actually trying to do that. I notice that he doesn't keep conversations in his phone (I am not a person who searches phones) but I know because when he opens whatsapp it's always empty. As soon as he has a conversation with anyone it is deleted. This scares me a bit.

I admire how in tuned he is in ensuring that his mom and sibling are well taken care of. His parents are married but he doesn't have the perfect relationship with his dad. His dad no longer live with them. He is kinda like a "mamas boy". I am not saying he shouldn't love his mom because the way he loves and care for her reflect in the way he will love and care for me. But it is like he cannot function without her. He runs to her for everything. He hardly allows me to give him advice without having to go back to her. Sometimes I feel like he puts her and his sibling over me.

The great thing in all of this though is that both our families are on one accord. We truly mesh. His family loves me. My family love him just the same. But at the end of the day I feel a bit doubtful because of some behaviour I have noticed.

I really love this man, truly. He has been good to me in many ways but I wouldn't want to settle for something where I am going to have a lifetime of unhappiness.

A few weeks ago he did the worst thing to me. I have never felt so hurt before. He just got up one day and decided that he was going to leave me. At first he was acting strange then I noticed was that he removed all our couple photos from social media. I felt so terrible because I didn't think anything was wrong between us. I went to find out what was happening and he was finding all kind of excuses why he cannot deal with me anymore. One of such is that I am "too emotional". I could not understand what I was hearing, what was happening. It was the most confused I have ever been. I do not deny being emotional but I am a woman and there are times when my hormones get the best of me. He also started bringing up things from the past where he thought I was saying one thing but the truth is I was saying something else. I had a horrible time. He kept asking me things and being the caring person who he is trying to ensure I am ok and such and I am saying you left me, so why do all this matter?

I left but I knew I wouldn't be ok until I knew what the final say was and he confirmed that we were no longer together. I then felt a peace come over me and I decided that I wouldn't cry any more. I had to be strong. His mom and my mom were very supportive during all this.

Late that night he came to visit me, breaking down that he cannot be without me. He could only say it but couldn't actually do it. I decided that I will never allow him to hurt me like that again so I needed time to think about and process everything.

Days passed, conversations happened with different persons and I came to find out that he was having an issue accepting that I am in a "better job" and earning more than him. So basically he was trying to take himself out of that situation because he didn't know what people were thinking of me being with someone like him. I didn't know this before we actually decided to have a conversation with a counsellor.

I had to make it clear that money was never an issue for me. He means more to me than that. I just need to know that we are comfortable. This is an issue that we can put behind as I will continuing giving him that reassurance but we are still yet to go into most the other issues I mentioned early. I thought those were the major culprit but I have come to realise where the problem really was that caused him to act out like that. He was trying to run. He doesn't want to feel like a failure.

We are thinking about getting married soon. But I am on a rocky road right now with all this happening.

We are in love with each other. We do care for each other. We are loved by many. There are many looking forward to us making that big step. But I still wonder if I should be worried about those issues or if they are issues we are likely to overcome. I don't want to set myself up. I know that it is not possible for someone to change unless they make that conscious decision to change themself. But is it possible that those behaviours can be changed? We are in our late 20s.

What are the chances of these things continuing to happen?

This is what worry me.

He’s controlling, doesn’t support your career, lies to you, sounds like he’s being shady with his phone and expecting to see all your texts. Don’t marry this one; especially as you won’t have lived together first.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult ! Find someone who doesn't do these things and makes you happy. This one doesn't.

Love is not enough, op, and I'm not convinced you really know what love and a healthy relationship look like.

You would be crazy to marry this man. There is far too much toxicity and it will never work. BTW, I think he was cheating on you. That "better job" nonsense was just a load of bullshit.

What are the chances of these things continuing to happen?

It's a 100% guarantee that these things will continue to happen, and he will more than likely get worse.

Run as fast as you can.

I mean it.

This could have been me talking about my ex.

Doing lovely things for me, cooking, telling me I'm amazing etc, doing things because he knew I was tired and I needed sleep.

...and then losing his temper over the smallest things, point blank REFUSING to accept an alternative view to something, and then exploding wildly, attacking me for getting some help in benefits, and calling me a scrounger, screaming in my face, threatening to kill my dog, throwing things at me, lunging at me, holding a machete above my head, and winding me up to the point of meltdown, and then telling me he was recording it

It doesn't matter if he treats you like a queen sometimes..

The moment he treats you with any kind of violence, you have to let him go. You have to. It doesn't get any better, and the only way things like this end, is with you being horribly hurt, and in danger of being murdered.

This does not get better. I promise you it only gets worse.

Jesus, I couldn’t find a single positive about this bloke. Yet you are seriously thinking about marrying him. You say you are in love with each other. This is not how people behave when they love each other, but it looks like you’re intent on making excuses for him. The warning sirens are blaring but you got your hands over your ears. You’re a fool if you think he’s ever going to change, in fact if you marry him highly likely things will get much worse. I’d be gone, no two ways about it .

It’s not your job to keep reassuring him that it’s ok that you have a better job. If he finds that a problem, that’s a problem within him. He won’t support any progression you make. He will become moody and withdrawn every time you succeed. He will end up making you feel like you can’t share any success or even not pursue success.

That situation is not resolved. It’s gone away for now.

The whole jealousy thing won’t just go away. I would bet money, he hides contact with women because it’s inappropriate. Which is also the reason he is paranoid about your contact with men. He is judging you by his own standards.

The first red flag was that you turned him down and he didn’t take no for an answer. It’s not romantic to pursue a woman who said no. Regardless of the reason she said no. It shows he is someone who ignores other people wants and needs and boundaries and carries on until he gets what he wants.

He can’t see anything from anyone else’s point of view. So anything from where to live to money, to kids etc is not going to be something you can work together on.

I am sorry, but marriage to this man will make you miserable. I am also guessing his behaviour will get worse once you get married. I am going to guess he doesn’t believe in divorce. It appears his parents are separated but not divorced due to religion (which I think is highly hypocritical, but that’s probably another thread). So he knows once married, he can do what he wants and you will be stuck.

I can’t stress this enough. Do not marry this man. End the relationship and walk away. People like to say ‘all you need is love’ and it’s the biggest pile of lies, that leads so many women into bad relationships. Love isn’t all you need and love, alone, isn’t enough.

Get rid asap. It will get worse

Everything about your post is shouting do not stay with this man. He pushed you to start a relationship when you weren't ready, i.e. when you were vulnerable and it's gone from there. He's controlling and you are worth so much more than this excuse for a man who left you because "you have a better job". A man who loved you would be proud of you and happy to see you succeed.

Please think about of this sort of man you want to marry.

I think he needs counselling for his behaviours.

I feel you need to what's best for you and maybe is letting him go and sort himself out and get the help needed.

But saying that maybe speak to his family and yours and tell how your feeling they only ones who know you and him.

Good luck wish you the best.

He will never treat you as well as he does his mother. He doesn't respect you, he says he loves you but you can see those red flags waving yourself.

He’s a controlling, jealous, insecure little liar. There’s a reason he keeps his phone empty, and I bet it’s not that Christian. Please, for fuck’s sake, stop considering marrying him ever. He is truly awful.

Had a wry smile when after calling you emotional he went for a messy break up with you, trying to make you feel terrible. You find your calm, accept the breakup and he's round that evening telling you he can't live without you....
You deserve better. Do not marry this guy and do not have kids. It takes adults to raise children and he is behaving like a child. If you want to create a strong and loving family throw him back and pick someone who is more emotionally intelligent.
Or choose torment and misery the rest of your life.

It's good you don't live with him, keep it that way.

OP, you should never, ever consider marrying this person.

He doesn't accept that you have your own opinion.
He doesn't accept you having a 'better' job.
He doesn't accept it when you say 'no'.
He hides what he's doing on the phone by deleting everything.
He accuses you of being inappropriate when simply talking to other men.
He doesn't believe or trust you at all.
He is insecure and jealous.
He imagines you are doing things he doesn't like.
He doesn't actually listen to you at all, just 'hears' whatever he wants to.
He doesn't ever consider you his equal, in any way.
He's happy to dump you, just to make a point or make you feel upset.

But the very worst thing ? Both your families are 'religious' and 100% support this proposed marriage " Regardless of all the upset he's caused you !

That means that, for them at least, this marriage is NOT about your 'happiness' !
it's about what's 'expected' of you, and you will be 'expected' to remain married at ALL costs, regardless of the emotional (and future financial) abuse you are suffering ! You will receive zero 'support' from either family to ever leave him, regardless of how distressed you are.

If you marry him, you can expect nothing but vile 'accusations', outlandish 'demands' and relentless 'reassuring', every, single, bloody day ! You'll be walking 'on eggshells' from morning till night, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

He will have you with zero friends, no social life or hobbies, no job and absolutely nothing in your life except him and your future DC...(but he'll carry on messaging and meeting people etc, it's just that YOU won't be 'allowed' to !)

Don't do it. Don't just 'go along' with the 'expected' wedding. Say 'No', and stick to it !