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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What’s wrong with me??

17 replies

Lisa501 · 03/12/2022 23:12

I need some help please - I broke up with my ex fiancé of 7 years 8 months ago. There were many different reasons and some due to emotional abuse. Long story short after 5 times of being uncertain about our relationship he’s now committed and wants to get married and start a family . We are also still currently living together while trying to sell the house.
For the last month I’ve been seeing someone and they are amazing - treat me how I want to be treated and just genuinely care about me. But no matter how hard I fight it I always compare him to my ex and now I feel like I’m still in love with him. All my friends and family have said I shouldn’t go back as I went through hell and back. I have moments of clarity where I stick to my guns and remember why I’m here but then I go backwards and miss my life before. I miss our family life and this time of year just makes it worse. He’s being so nice and everything I wanted him to be back when it mattered. I feel like I’m going out of my mind and stressed to the point of panic attacks - not knowing what the right decision is. I’ve been so strong up until now but I’m so scared of making the wrong decision. I’m also full of guilt because he doesn’t know about me seeing someone but I don’t know why I feel guilty - is it because I still love him ?

OP posts:

YoSofi · 03/12/2022 23:23

You need space away from your ex.

Of course you want the fairytale with him, but it’s not real. He has shown who he is. Believe him. He has treated you appallingly, THAT’S who he is.

I really feel like you’re not ready to date right now, take some time to be single and heal but please go and stay with friends or family for a while, let them look after you and get away from your ex for a while x

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/12/2022 07:24

Perhaps you’re just missing the idea of your old relationship and what you wanted it to be rather than what it was. He will not have changed. Do you feel guilty because of the way he made you feel during the abuse?

Listen to your friends and family who know you best and saw what the relationship did to you last time. Don’t go back.

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 07:26

You will find it so much easier to move on when you don't live together. Focus on selling up and setting up your new home for now.

Pansypotter123 · 04/12/2022 07:36

Long story short after 5 times of being uncertain about our relationship he’s now committed.

But what sort of relationship is he committed to, exactly?

There were many different reasons, you say, for your brake ups, including emotional abuse.

It sounds like he's now committed because he knows he's got you at his beck and call, like a puppet on a string.

Why are you even contemplating getting back with him - he will not change after 5 periods of being uncertain. Leopards really do not change their spots!

Listen to your friends and family who'll remember how you were when he put you through hell and back.

Any chance you can go and stay with friends or family for a while till your house is sold?

Whose is the house by the way? What are the financial implications there?

SideshowAuntSallly · 04/12/2022 08:48

I don't think you're ready to date again. If you still think about getting back with your ex then you shouldn't be dating others. Also living in the same house complicates things, I did it for a year and it was horrible so I know what it's like and how emotions are all over the place.

It took me two years before I felt ready to date, it's a cliché but in that time I worked on myself and built a new life, my life(new house, new hobbies, built a social life again, found exercise). Now when I go into a relationship I can give the best me.

Original poster

Lisa501 · 04/12/2022 22:26

@SideshowAuntSallly did you think about getting back together with your ex when you were living together still? If so how did you deal with it?

OP posts:

monstermunch26 · 04/12/2022 22:33

From experience, if you marry him (your ex) and start a family with him, then I can guarantee you'll regret it. Xx

QueenBeex · 04/12/2022 23:06

I broke up with an ex of 3 years, we both dated other people and were apart for 2 years, still in contact on and off as distant friends i suppose. We got back together as i genuinely thought things have had enough time to heal and lessons to have been learnt. The first 3 months were absolutely amazing, everything I wanted it to be all along from the start first time round. We aren't together anymore again now, it was very much just a nice phase before old colours came back out and the circle of abuse started again but probably slightly worse actually. This time were in complete no contact.

Watchkeys · 04/12/2022 23:11

The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you think something's wrong with you. Take that out of the equation, and validate your feelings, and things will look different.

Successgirl2022 · 04/12/2022 23:13

Please tell us what hell you've gone through with your ex to understand your situation better and how toxic your relations were to give a more precise & objective answer.

Successgirl2022 · 04/12/2022 23:14

Your gut feeling to leave him is usually right.

Jewel7 · 04/12/2022 23:17

You left for a reason. Those reasons won’t have changed? You need space apart? Is he being nice because he wants you back?

Original poster

Lisa501 · 05/12/2022 06:30

@Successgirl2022 so mind changing 5 times, liking /following girls on social media (even when I asked him to stop), messaging girls, calling me an idiot, criticising everything, didn’t enjoy spending time with me, unhappy with everything we had in our life , made me feel bad for changing things to my appearance. After we broke up name calling, being nice one minute - nasty the next.

OP posts:

YoSofi · 05/12/2022 08:43

So abusive and looking to cheat?

Yeah marry him, he’s a keeper….

FlowerArranger · 05/12/2022 08:53

You need to move out now, even if it's tough financially.

Don't wait until the house sells.
He is an abuser who sees that his prey is at risk of escaping.
He is pulling out all the stops to hoover you back in.
Don't fall for it!!
And I agree with PPs that you should be single for a good while.
Focus on developing your self-esteem.
Never make yourself vulnerable again.
NB: Women Who Love Too Much is a useful book...

SideshowAuntSallly · 05/12/2022 10:43

@Lisa501 at one point but it would have been the biggest mistake (after marrying him that is) he was a narcissistic prick who messed with my head. He once told me I had no friends and locked me out after I went out with friends he didn't like.

He's your ex for a reason, they very rarely change.

Autumntimeagain · 05/12/2022 10:49

OP you already know it would be a giant mistake to go back to your Ex.

Your gut is screaming at you to NOT do it !

Haven't you wasted enough time being upset, abused and walking on eggshells yet ??

You will never, ever, get the 'happy ending' you're dreaming of with him, and you know it ! And all the daydreaming in the world won't ever be able to erase all his past abuses of your trust.

Relegate this 'daydream' of your Ex to the scrapheap, where it belongs !

Flip