Relationship after baby... is this normal?

[ChecoPerez]

10 month DD. Before I was pregnant, we were literally perfect (in my opinion). We had a good life, always happy, hardly any little arguments, just generally a very happy married couple. We have been together 10 years. He is the sensible one, whereas I'm quite spontaneous in life.

Since DD has come along, our relationship has felt strained. I cannot even tell you the last time we were intimate. We're both tetchy, him more so towards me. Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive. I love him dearly but I'm worried about us. He says we're fine etc but I just don't know if this is normal.

We're not sleep deprived, we're very lucky that DD sleeps through the night and has done since she was 6 months old. (I've just jinxed it and I expect to be up all night now lol). He is a brilliant, hands on dad, so it's not like I'm resentful of him having more free time than me. I'm back at work full time too.

Tonight I've just lost it with him over a stupid present and where to put it. I said to stop going on about it, as per usual the burden to buy for everyone's Christmas inc his family has fallen upon me, I'm the one arranging everything for DDs first birthday etc. he has contributed financially as we have a joint savings pot for Christmas and birthdays which we contribute to equally, but I just really got annoyed that he's got the cheek to moan about where we can put this present (where I suggested it not practical apparently), when it's me who has done everything for Christmas as per usual in terms of picking and wrapping gifts etc, sorting the food out etc.

I'm obviously ranting now - I've come up to bed and I'm just so annoyed but also upset that this is how our marriage has been for a while since the arrival of our daughter.

Please someone tell me it gets better..

Welcome to reality. Sorry not very helpful trying to say you're not alone.

Kiss your old life and relationship goodbye. 9 times out of 10 Kids change everything

I was very close to divorcing my husband in the year after our first DD was born. Seven years later and we’re still married and now have DD2. In my opinion, NOTHING tests a marriage as much as the arrival of kids.

No no, my old life is gone and I know that. Trust me, having my daughter is the best thing ever and j wouldn't change that at all. I don't miss my old life, I just miss my marriage where we're not on egg shells with each other. I just feel like I'm waiting for him to moan at me about something for that day!

I read it’s pretty common to hate your husband after giving birth. I think it’s the most stressful time in a relationship, your whole world has turned upside down and you no longer have any time to yourselves.

He sounds like a good guy so try not to be so hard on him. When you’re tired everything feels worse and it’s never more important to communicate well. Before dd you probably had enough energy to cope with sorting all the presents for example, but now you can see it’s unfair so you need to have an adult conversation about how he needs to help with this and possible dd birthday as it sounds like it’s all falling on you and resentment is building. He’ll just assume it’s all fine if you don’t tell him.

It is always tough. But in your case I would just speak to him about resenting having to do all the present hunting, and assuming he's responsive to your struggling, try and make an effort to be more intimate. IME it will make you both less tetchy with one another.

I felt like this for at least the first two years after our DD was born. I know many of my friends were the same. I wondered if we would ever feel like the same couple we were before, but now I can honestly say that we've never been better (DD is now 3 and I am pregnant with DC2). I know it seems like a long wait, but hang on in there, it will get better. It takes an awful long time to adjust to parenthood, even if you don't realise it. X

Talk to him, calmly and sensibly about how you are feeling/how you think things are between you both and how you want things to be. Don’t bottle it up/keep it to yourself.

I think things are different obviously after children there are a lot more stresses and strains and things to worry/faff about about but I don’t think it means that good relationships get worse.

We have a 18 mo (who still doesn’t sleep through so we are tired all the time) and we can be snappier with each other after a rough day but on the whole afterwards we apologise and cut each other some slack. We don’t pick fights with each other and if something is annoying one of us we talk about it before it grows into anything close to resentment. But fundamentally things still feel very easy between us.

I guess I’m saying that what you are feeling probably is normal for a lot of people but no your relationship doesn’t have to get worse just because you’ve had DC.

I would think that getting some intimacy back (doesn’t necessarily mean sex) would make a difference. Could anyone have your DD whilst you go on a date night?

Yes I think it's normal. My youngest is 3 now and our relationship (and sex life!) Are starting to approach pre-kid normality again. But it's been a while.

Sounds pretty normal here I'm afraid. We started counting up who'd had more breaks and whether say a bath was a break.

Trying to arrange a date night and some intimacy does help you reconnect. It feels odd to work at it but it gets easier as the kid stuff gets less intense.

I'm with you! We never used to have a cross word in the years before kids. They put so much extra stress on things.

Your language is interesting. Would you describe yourself as a 'hands on mum'? If not, then the language is sexist and you might be viewing the whole relationship from the default position that women should do slightly more than men.

I expect that my other half does as much as I do on the domestic front. This includes unseen stuff like remembering other kids' birthdays, managing their doctors appointments, attending vaccinations, doing the grocery shop, finding weekend activities for them to do and buying the kids clothes. I dont prompt this stuff as it takes up to much of my headspace. For example, he'll see that they need summer clothes and place an order. Maybe your guy is doing all this too. If he's not, then you need to chat.

Nothing impacts a relationship like children especially the first. It's basically like spinning plates. It's hard to hear but when it comes to kids all you both need is to be good enough. And give each other a break.

It’s exhausting when you’re so busy with your baby daughter and daily lives and then , with lots coming up- baby DD’s first birthday, festive season events, and you’re falling into taking on most or if not- all of these additional roles.

Change up the things that make you unhappy. Tell him things need to change, and also allocate dedicated time to do more of what makes you happy, at the same time.

Can you take a break from buying presents for extended family and he takes on this task? Or In future, can each of you do half of the present buying between you?

Really good comments here thanks!

Yes, we're both hands on parents. Share all tasks with DD, just everything else seems to fall to me. If I didn't remind DH about his mums birthday for example, then he'd forget and she wouldn't get a card lol!

I think I will talk to him tomorrow about this and how I'm feeling - see what we can do.

My parents live in the same town and have had DD a couple of times overnight to allow DH and I a date night. We end up talking about DD and looking at her pictures whilst saying how much we miss her lol!

I’m thinking from what you’ve said, that you’re taking on most of the daily jobs overall at the moment and understandably feel overwhelmed? If so, it’s not surprising that there is reduced intimacy between you, as nothing kills intimacy more than feeling exhausted because the work is unequally divided.