Reasons for bad sex?

[CityCityBangBang]

I've NCed for this. In past relationships I've had what I'd call "bad" sex a few times over the years, what I mean is that I went through the motions and did it (and might even sometimes had an orgasm), but it just was not enjoyable.

Some examples would be me/he being too tired, me/he having had a bit too much to drink, way too quick, partner paying zero attention to me. I assume these are the usual reasons?

I'm just trying to understand what is happening with current partner, who I do really like a lot, but it's just not "good", and I really can't pinpoint why.

As I re-read my post, I feel a bit strange clicking "Post". I'm not sure I've articulated my issue/problem. Anyone experienced anything like this?

Some other possible reasons for bad sex I've experienced, even with an otherwise great DH

• Being in an unfamiliar place, concerns about noise or privacy
• Other things on my mind, so I'm just not into it, and lie there making little effort thinking "hurry on"
• If I go to bed tired, then I really do want to sleep and nothing else

In my experience, the number one cause of poor sex life is a lack of openness and communication.

People are shy to ask for what they want, or they feel they're unable to point out what they like or don't like etc.
So they just do what they usually do and it repeats in a vicious cycle.

I'd recommend a full open and frank discussion about it all, somewhere away from the bedroom is the best bet.. but, some people, men especially, get defensive very quick if you suggest they're doing something less than spectacularly.

Maybe you just don't fancy him? Maybe he's selfish in bed?

I usually have pretty good sex and I really love having sex. Is it something you sometimes enjoy? The only time I haven't is if someone doesn't really seem fussed about my pleasure- it's a massive turn off.

This. Usually bad sex for me has been with someone I wasn’t really into. Nothing would’ve made it good sex, except if he was a totally different person.

For me it was lack of experience for my partner it was selfishness . When I tried to broach the subject it was me who was the problem 🙄 I decided that would not happen again . In my next relationship I was up front . My new partner was not used mutually pleasurable intimacy either. We were very open and had a great time together. 🙂

Also, there’s the anticipation of not having a good time due to past events and frustrated by the end of it, which is really not sexy. That was me in some relationships. Me and my DH didn’t start off all fireworks, tbh. We’ve had dry spells, but always overcome by talking it out - and being in a listening mode. When you see an effort in the right direction, it’s great.

Being tense, not relaxed.
With a guy I didn't really fancy that much.
Inexperienced men.
Selfish men.
But I believe it takes 2 to tango and it's about the connection, whether it's someone you have a deep bond with or whether it's a casual partner that you have sizzling chemistry with.

Is the physical attraction there? You can like someone a lot emotionally but not have much chemistry with them.

If you do fancy him then it could be a communication issue. A lot of couples keep sex in the bedroom. Whereas it's a good idea to talk about it outside of the bedroom so you know what you like and don't like. It also creates sexual tension and anticipation, which makes sex even better once you finally get to it.

Usually you know it’s someone you aren’t that into / don’t click with so you can’t fully relax, it’s like a mental block.

I'll turn it around to what can make it better:

You need to find out what each other enjoys. Try different positions, maybe sex toys.

Be fit and healthy generally. If either of you aren't you could find a way to do more exercise and don't relare it to sex. Say something like how about we go for a jog this weekend as I want to get into shape.

Ensure you're not tired - get enough sleep

Do you both actually want sex when you have it and are you into it enough? Make sure there's kissing, foreplay

Tbh it may be he needs to learn and do some reading. Sounds funny but you can find out how to be better at sex. The way to encourage this is if you be the best you can, go on top, try something new it should make him think 😉

If he lasts too long or not long enough Google it for tips

Usually if it’s bad for me it’s just plain and boring missionary, limited foreplay. I have started seeing someone after a long time single and he’s the most considerate lover I’ve ever had. I’m not used to men asking me what I’d like too, but I feel like I can be open with him. It’s obviously early days and it’s often fun in the early days but he isn’t a straight into thrusting it in kind of guy, so I hope it never gets boring. It’s definitely going to get better from the stuff he’s mentioned we haven’t even tried yet. So work out why the sex is bad. If it’s what he’s not doing, speak to him, ask him what he likes too, open up communication as if you do then it will be so much better

I think the fact that you're talking on a forum and not to him about this is the crux of your issue: communication.

Why aren't you telling him instead of us? What stops you?

Lack of chemistry and an inexperienced lover.

So much familiarity that it becomes weird, but despite the familiarity - unresolved hurts and relationship issues.

Well that's it for me just now anyway.

You need to actually talk about it- as awkward as it may seem. They aren't a mind reader, you need to specifically tell them what you like and vice versa. Both parties need to be willing to put in actual effort, and both parties need to be 'seen to' most times you have sex- or one will feel deflated and begin to not bother.

This plus no communication, health issues,

Lack of chemistry and an inexperienced lover.

We all start of inexperienced.

Usually you know it’s someone you aren’t that into / don’t click with so you can’t fully relax

Perhaps he isn't into you?

Like others have said rather than ask us speak to him. Is sex equally as bad for him?

Perhaps spend some time getting used to each other, touching, kissing, cuddling etc rather than getting down to the rumpy pumpy straight away.