Can I tell you about my life and ask for direction please...

[thesnapper]

I am mid forties.Mum to 3 teens, 2 with add needs.Separated after husband had affair.He also has ASD.I had a very lonely and controlled marriage so well rid. My kids are with me 99 per cent of the time.I work full time, have no family support really and am financially independent.Ilove my job,colleagues and sense of wellbeing it gives me. I have just finished a relationship of 2 years with a man who started to become controlling, bossy,sneery and generally unpleasant.I am happy I did this. My Dad died suddenly when I was 21, my mum then died suddenly when I was 30.I am close to 2 siblings but not to 2 others. I spent the first year of my life in an NICU. At that time, parents were not allowed physical contact.My father was an alcoholic for the majority of my early childhood.My Mother loved me but didnt really like me that much.I disappointed her and she called me selfish a lot I have wonderful friends since childhood.Im blessed.Plenty of aquantances.I am outgoing and sociable and tend to lean on a positive outlook as much as possible. However,I drink too much.I drink wine 4 times per week, rarely but sometimes 5.One bottle and sometimes a glass out of a second bottle.Zero interest in spirits or beer.Just wine.It gives me a little high, makes me temporarily happy and mostly helps me to relax and forget about the stresses of life.I dont get hangovers and am in bed by ten every night. Sometimes I just get sick of it so dont have it for a 4-5 nights but then sometimes, if its in the fridge i'll just drink it without thinking whether I actually want it or not. Ive had psychotherapy for a complex childhood and also the fact that any man Ive ever loved has left me ie my father, brother, first love,husband. Ive also had counselling after my parents died and after my husband left. I am a people pleaser esp when it comes to men I love so Im particularly happy that Ive managed to see the flags and get rid of most recent bf after two years. What can I do to fill this emotional hole in me that the wine fills temporarily.Are there any books/videos/podcasts to help me . Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Im so sorry about the lack of paragraphs.Bloody return button wont engage.

The right therapist can possibly help.
I’m not a drinker at all, OP, so I don’t have that battle but I have others. Like you, I’ve had to overcome lots of heartache in childhood and adulthood (I suppose so many of us do, when you get to know people). I’m so very sorry that you’re struggling with life’s challenges. But good on you for wanting to confront them. It requires heavy lifting.

For me, personally, two authors/doctors have been life changing: Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Matè (the latter will really touch a personal nerve for you, given your earliest experience in life). There is a film called The Wisdom of Trauma which is a documentary about Gabor Matè’s work on trauma. He talks a lot about attachment issues stemming from early childhood trauma.
thewisdomoftrauma.com/

A small donation allows you to watch the film and it really is worth it. How we move through our trauma and emerge resilient and content in life is the greatest gift you can gift yourself. Don’t buy wine for a couple of days. Donate to watch the film instead. Listen to podcasts (there are many interviews with Gabor Maté and Bessel van der Kolk).

I also think that for me, having a dog and taking him out on long walks has been a sort of salvation (even as I look outside at the dark, cold evening I must now face with dog by my side). Dog walks are my time, a chance to cry, to just be, to listen to music or to podcasts on the future of AI or the history of Apartheid or anything that feeds my old, tired brain. Sometimes I just walk in silence. But movement is so important. Time with yourself, in motion, is vital. 💐

Sorry, I keep putting the accent in the wrong place on Gabor Maté’s surname. <— that’s the right one.

Also, drinking zaps your B vitamins. So load up on a B complex (they are essential to our nervous system and sense of well-being and clarity).

Thank youo so very much.I have seen both of those author's names come up in podcasts suggestions so Im going to seek these out and watch the film later on.

Strangely I was also going to suggest the love of a good dog, plus vitamins!

You're doing great OP, a truly impressive woman.

Re the drinking, I managed to cut right back by only buying those little (smaller than) half bottles, one at a time. So each evening my ‘reward’ for getting through the day was very restricted. Gradually I got to the point where I could buy a normal bottle (much cheaper!) and not finish it of an evening, but stretch it over three or four. I used the same approach years ago to quit smoking. It made me feel I still loved myself because I treated myself but I got rid of the bad habit/ addiction.

Good luck 😉

What can I do to fill this emotional hole in me

You fill it with self respect. Try this, and start now: Make a list of all the things you can think of that other people have done that has made you respect them. Right from the kindly tone in the voice of the man at the corner shop, all the way to your favourite Olympic medallist, people who make their own clothes, bodybuilders, musicians, anything at all that floats your boat. You keep adding to this list all your life. Write it down, and always keep adding. After a bit (perhaps a week or two), pick a couple of the things you think you'd be interested in doing yourself, that are manageable, and start to do them. You will start to become a person you respect. It's brilliant.

I did this, and now I run marathons, play the piano, and donate blood. I speak softly whenever I can. I think about my relationships in terms of 'us', not 'me'. I have more self respect than I ever have. It's something you can start immediately, and it's a long term 'You' project: even just getting started by picking up a pencil and paper right now will raise your self respect.

This is about you becoming the person you would love to be.

Good luck!

Thanks so much.I take berocca for energy so great source of B vits ,a vit D and sometimes C if I remember. I really havent the strength for a dog.It would be unfair when Im out at work most of the day and the kids would do SFA to help and Id need it.

That sounds like a wonderful idea.Im going to try this idea too.I dont have to think twice about the actions of others that I respect.They are always at the top of my mind.

Oh I completely understand that a dog isn’t always the answer. I suppose from my own perspective, having a dog reminds me how much I need quiet ‘me’ space alongside movement (in my case walking and I cycle everywhere… again, this isn’t for everyone).
What is wonderful is how much value you get from work. And also from your children. I imagine the ending of your recent 2 year relationship will have brought to the fore lots of past trauma along with the trauma that came with this relationship and its ending. It’s so so so good that you ended this. Recovering is hard work but you can do this! Are you under the guidance of a therapist these days? 💐

Ive literally finished watching that film you recommended to me.I got a lot from it so thank you.I dont have therapy at the moment as I cant afford it so until I can, Im trying to educate myself and gain knowledge on trauma and how it manifests in me and my relationships with others. It seems that self compassion is key. I really didnt respect myself in both relationships.Iput them first, sacrificed my needs,allowed both men to treat me with disrespect and contempt.For some reason, I thought that those men were the prizes. They really are not. Ive also begun to write this evening.Writing about respect as advised and loving myself and almost aiming to reparent myself. I think this will do my own parenting of my children the world of good also, so a win win all round. Thanks

Marking my spot as feeling really lonely today

Hi OP I’d really recommend Tara Brach
(free podcasts/videos plus books etc) especially on self compassion. She comes from a Buddhist/psychotherapy background, RAIN in particular is a great technique for dealing with and processing difficult emotions.

@thesnapper and @Kione

Pleased to see Gabor Maté recommended - sometimes I feel like the only person banging on about him! He wrote a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts specifically about addiction.

I think the lack of touch in early life and lack of supportive family is so hard - I also struggle with those things as they seem a bit unsolvable even after years of psychotherapy. I have got over a really, complicated painful death though and worked through a lot of grief about my parents, so I know grief can and does fade, and maybe I’m just not fully done grieving childhood yet? I don’t know if that resonates?

I think attempts to cut the addiction out will make the feelings bubble up. So it’s a bit of addressing the the root cause wound and then the addiction will drop away, and a bit of dropping the addiction so that the pain of the wound can come up and be addressed. Either way, support to work through the pain is important.