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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do?

15 replies

catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:46

NC for this. I don't know where to start really or even know how to describe fully what the problem is. I just know that I am not as happy as I should be. I've been with my husband almost 10 years and we have two lovely children. For the most part he is a wonderful person. Solid, trustworthy, reliable. But he can also be controlling to the point of telling me when I should go to bed and what to eat. He can be like that with the kids as well. We had a couple of days without him and it was hard on my own but it was all very relaxed and as soon as he came back in the mix I just felt talked over and again was told what we would do that day and when.

We have talked about separation before. We decided that we wouldn't and we would try to work it out. But since being with him after the break I just feel so sad. Is it worth breaking up a family for this? I just don't know. The kids love him. I love him. But he can be so hard to be around sometimes.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/12/2022 11:49

Do you think he would change to save the marriage, would he hear you ? Would he go to counselling, although it’s not recommended if there’s any bullying going on.

Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:50

We've talked about it a lot and he says he will change but I think it's just his personality. We went to counseling but it was kind of rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:50

I think I'm also struggling because it might seem like the grass is greener separated but is it really?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/12/2022 11:52

Look at if you can afford to separate firstly, and think about how you would feel if he had the kids 50% of the time.

RandomPerson42 · 03/12/2022 11:55

Tell him to get lost whenever he tells you what to do. If you do nothing he will get worse.

Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:57

Good advice. @KangarooKenny I will.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2022 11:57

You either pull him up EVERY time he is controlling and he backs down and changes his ways or leave.

Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:58

RandomPerson42 · 03/12/2022 11:55

Tell him to get lost whenever he tells you what to do. If you do nothing he will get worse.

I do but tbh he just keeps doing it and I'm tired of constantly defending myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 11:58

Has anyone been through this and it was the right choice? Or has anyone been through it and regretted it?

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 03/12/2022 12:01

I went to private therapy and she said my STBXH talks to me like I’m a child.

That really hit home. He treats me like a recalcitrant teenage daughter and his subtext is “don’t talk to me like that in my house.” He would see red if I used the wrong tone of voice (his words), or would make decisions without consulting me, even though it should have been a joint decision. His reason one time was because I wasn’t there. I was in the next fucking room!

If this is the only problem and he is willing to change, then perhaps if he (and you) pose the question “would you say that to your father/brother/work colleague?” Then if the answers no, he shouldn’t say it to you. Or I suppose if you reverse the situation, would he like you to say the same thing to him.

KangarooKenny · 03/12/2022 12:01

Only you can choose what you do for you. But I’d say to think of yourself, not only of the children and him.

twohomesneeded · 03/12/2022 12:06

It's not reasonable that your husband controls you. If you don't do as he says, what happens?

He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and look to change it, probably with help to understand why he wants to control (upbringing? Anxiety? Etc). But ultimately if you tell him it's making you unhappy and he's still doing it, then staying in the relationship is at the expense of your own mental wellbeing and your kids will pick up on that.

I would look into what separation would entail - see a professional alone to help you talk it through emotionally and also a solicitor to talk through the financial.

Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 12:13

twohomesneeded · 03/12/2022 12:06

It's not reasonable that your husband controls you. If you don't do as he says, what happens?

He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and look to change it, probably with help to understand why he wants to control (upbringing? Anxiety? Etc). But ultimately if you tell him it's making you unhappy and he's still doing it, then staying in the relationship is at the expense of your own mental wellbeing and your kids will pick up on that.

I would look into what separation would entail - see a professional alone to help you talk it through emotionally and also a solicitor to talk through the financial.

Yes I think sadly my kids are picking up on it. My parents had an unhappy marriage too and I don't want that for them. Equally I don't want divorce either which was also very hard for me growing up.

If I don't do what he says he just gets mad and throws a tantrum. I think it's a bit OCD, maybe upbringing as well. Not sure 100% where it comes from.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsanddogs34 · 03/12/2022 12:33

Toomanysleepycats · 03/12/2022 12:01

I went to private therapy and she said my STBXH talks to me like I’m a child.

That really hit home. He treats me like a recalcitrant teenage daughter and his subtext is “don’t talk to me like that in my house.” He would see red if I used the wrong tone of voice (his words), or would make decisions without consulting me, even though it should have been a joint decision. His reason one time was because I wasn’t there. I was in the next fucking room!

If this is the only problem and he is willing to change, then perhaps if he (and you) pose the question “would you say that to your father/brother/work colleague?” Then if the answers no, he shouldn’t say it to you. Or I suppose if you reverse the situation, would he like you to say the same thing to him.

Do you feel like you made the right decision to leave?

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 03/12/2022 13:11

We have decided to divorce, but are unfortunately still living in the same home. But yes, absolutely, I can’t wait to leave. I probably should have done it eight years ago.

But there were a lot more problems than him just telling me what to do. I’m in a different situation, my child is an adult and has left home. My STBXH are I are both retired and have enough assets to split. It would be easy if he wasn’t so angry that I have dared to “ruin” his retirement plans.

He has honestly sent me an email bemoaning the fact that when we split 50/50 (and his version of 50/50 still means him having more). Anyway when we split ‘with the same amount of money’, he has moaned that I will be living in the lap of luxury, while he will be in vastly reduced circumstances! Which really just shows he was taking advantage of me financially in the marriage.

The best thing I ever did was see a therapist. She cut through all the crap and bullshit and I can now see what an utter entitled selfish person he is and has always been. That knowledge has meant I have never wavered one single iota from wanting to leave.

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