Dating while living with your ex

[James54321]

So I have split up after being with someone after 12 years we own a house together and have a 4 year old daughter we have both agreed it's over. we can't afford to live alone even if we sell the house so we are happy to live together for now.

I'm interested to get a woman's perspective would you date a man that lives with his ex?

I've had quite alot of interest on dating apps and I'm always honest about my situation before meeting someone some women are fine about it some have a massive go at me saying I shouldn't be on there

What do you think?

No, you are still in a relationship, even if not romantic and you are letting someone take advantage / mooch of you financially. Nothing about your situation is attractive.

I wouldn't.
Also wouldn't date a man who lived with their mum.

When I separated from my husband he moved out and I bought him out of our house because the marriage was dead and we both were happy (delighted!) to move on.

I made the mistake of dating my ex partner a month after he'd moved out from his marital home. I thought this was space enough, but it was really wasn't. He ended up confused and his divorce was all consuming. He had the worst coping skills (no boundaries, etc) so that didn't help, and it massively damaged our relationship which was great until the divorce began. But as a result, I'd never trust anyone again who said to me 'everything's fine' when they have no idea what divorce will bring up (despite their good intentions).

Do you want to drag a new partner into your divorce too? If the new partner wants a long term relationship with you she'll probably want to be kept up to date on the separation and divorce, as she will be impacted by the process and outcome.
So you'll have yourself, ex, your child and a new partner to consider through all of this. It's a lot for anyone to take on!
If I were you - and I'd say this to a woman too - get yourself out of the house first at the very least before you think about committing to another woman. It's only fair.

That would be a no from me. I think it would be very unfair of you to ask a relationship of anybody right now

I wouldn't as i would be looking for a relationship without complications. You may find someone who has an non-traditional set up too who doesn't mind.

I tried it. He was clearly not over his ex even if he insisted he was so I ended it. Too griefy.

Wouldn't entertain it for a second.

If you're living with your ex then either the split was fairly recent - in which case, if you're a committed dad your focus should be entirely on supporting your kids through it and sorting the logistics etc not looking for a girlfriend - or it's been a while, in which case you're still waaaay too tangled up with your ex.

I have and while it's not ideal when you get to my age (mid 40s) most people have some ties/baggage/responsibilities.

Nope, even if the story was true you haven't really gone through all of the break up yet.
A big part of that comes from when you no longer live together as a family unit and go through the grieving process etc. getting used to not talking to the ex morning/moon and night and get to grips with co-parenting and a new normal for the kids.
Men often take the break up of the family unit really badly, even if they're the one who wanted to break up or they didn't appreciate it at the time! Once reality kicks in or their ex meets someone new or things like that happen they often freak out!

I am on the fence about this because I lived in the same house as exH so as to stay with the kids as no way would he have moved out. We had separate rooms and bathrooms lived separate lives for two years - never ate together etc and would have continued except that I totally unexpectedly met someone and sustaining that life was too difficult for me and so I moved out after a couple of months. I could obviously never have had the person back to the house and it was odd getting ready to go on dates etc and going home after a lovely evening with them was a dampener. The new partner was the catalyst the prompted me to leave though not the r of the marriage breakdown that had happened some years before.
exh had no problem having full blown affairs during our marriage so has an entirely different mindset.
So I know it is possible to genuinely live in same house as someone you have romantic attachment to. But only while there is no-one else on the scene.
An acquaintance is seeing a man in your situation and although he lives like a single man and everyone thinks he is single and it is difficult for her. He spends nights with her/goes to things like New Years Eve parties and they have lots of mutual friends but she has obviously never been to his house even though they live a few minutes walk apart. He has lived this life for several years and had previous girlfriends. He has children. Her friends are obviously concerned for her because the guy is clearly in a situation that suits him and he is getting the ‘girlfriend experience’ without any commitment and it is clearly highly convenient for him. When she met him she assumed like everyone that he was single as the life he leads gives every indication of that.
I had never heard of this situation before but now if I met a new man I would ask straight out of he lives alone and of he has kids where they live and where their mother lives. If he was still living with her I would avoid dating until he actually left.

My ex and I did it semi successfully, although it grinded my gears when I returned to our house one day to see his new partner’s dog shut inside the house, and our dogs on the outside looking in… gave him a serve over that one.

I think it was harder for him though.

We still had a business together and got on well, were friends before we married and that is the way it should have stayed. He lived in our former home and once the first bit of settlement went through and I moved around the corner with my stuff, if he wanted to drop in, he had to park his vehicle further down into my property so it couldn’t be seen from the road, and the potential of the new partner seeing it there.

As part of our settlement, we agreed for him (construction industry) to work off a part debt to me, on my parents new place. I only found out much later his new partner gave him the ultimatum of either her or continuing on with our agreement.

They went on to marry and have children, as I did, but I think there was far too much pressure on him earlier on in his new relationship for it to be healthy.

Nope wouldn't date you. I wouldn’t have a go at you for being on a dating app, but I would wonder whether the woman you lived with was on the safe page as you regarding the relationship

Sorry, you need your finances sorted out. It’s a no from me.
talk to the bank, talk to the lawyer. This needs to be settled first.

I'm interested to get a woman's perspective would you date a man that lives with his ex?

Never on God's green earth.

HTH

Absolutely not. That would be the epitome of awkwardness !

To me there are very few situations where a separating couple would need to remain in the same house. When I separated, I left him in the house and I went and lived in a basement flat owned by a work colleague. DD came with me.
We were fairly amicable and we eventually sold the house and both bought small homes .

To me there are very few situations where a separating couple would need to remain in the same house.

It bugs you to pay the mortgage that you can easily afford for the home that your 4 year old lives in? No. I wouldn't date you.

I had a FWB who was in this situation. We finished when he found a girlfriend so can't put that many off.

Tbh I think it's more common now pretty much the same as ones who have had to move home after splitting.