Confused about long term partner

[LivingMyBestLie]

I need a bit of insight as I'm confused.

Bit of background. We've been together 15 years, 3 young kids. Up until last year partner used to play a sport every Sunday which took most of the day, this is when we had two children and I was a SAHM mum so I did the vast majority of childcare which affected my mental health. He recently stopped playing so is around all weekend now.

For the last few weekends I've had plans and days away from the family. One being a shopping trip all day, another seeing a family member all day. Last weekend I went out in the evening to help another family member. So I've been relatively busy and DP has picked up the slack.

Last night, DP went out on a works do, got in at 1.30am. I did bedtime etc alone, no problem. It didn't bother me at all. I also got the kids up and ready for the day while DP laid in before work. And often, on the days I don't work, he gets out of bedtime by staring at his screen and "being up to his eyeballs in work". I do every dinner.

Anyway, my friend has asked if I want to go out for dinner tonight. My DP finishes work at 5pm so he would only have to watch TV with the kids for an hour then start bedtime. They'd have had dinner.

DP has said no, he doesn't want me to go as I've been out a lot lately.

Fair enough he's being honest I guess, but I feel, given he was out last night and had 14 years of being out every Sunday, surely it's ok for me to have a meal out?

It's not a huge deal but I feel embarrassed and disempowered to have to say no for, what seems to me, a crap reason. I'm a grown woman and should be able to do what I like, I don't feel it's putting him out much. Bedtime takes about 30-40mins in our household. We otherwise have a fairly equal relationship I guess.

I know I told him last minute (today, about tonight) but I feel he's being unfair.

Do I go anyway?

Am I being unreasonable for going out so much lately? (Although nothings stopping him).

When we have these types of disagreements, I start to feel very upset and resentful of him. It also makes me wonder how nice of a person he is, as I wouldn't ever say no. I may not want him to go, but I'd never put my foot down without a good reason.

What do you think?

This sounds odd and quite controlling to be honest?
Although having said that my partner doesn't like it when I go out on a Friday night - he looks forward to it all week and we have a really nice time watching the tv or choosing a film and making a nice dinner together etc. If he's not planned to do something "nice" for you instead it's really nasty I think

How annoying. God he sounds like a parent of you “no you can’t go out tonight LivingMyBestLie”. Sorry but that would make me want to go but I hate being told what I can and can’t do 😂

You should definitely go, especially if you’re feeling disempowered. You’ve been asked for a meal out, which isn’t an unusual thing for someone to do, regardless of being in a relationship.

It’s not like you’ve been asked to go on an all night bender. Even if you feel like DP
is ‘picking up the slack’, in reality, all he’s being asked to do is parent his own children.

I would say go and have a lovely time. When he’s got 3 children, he should be more than capable of entertaining them for part of a night.

I think you need to make a point and explain that you wasn't really 'asking'. There will be times when you both want to do things and the other will have to pick up the slack. That's how parenting works.

I would just say something along the lines of 'so I've decided to head out later, I really fancy it and the kids will be in bed by ** time so you'll be fine'. Then continue as normal.

Don't allow him to start bad habits

Ive called my friend and said I'd love to go out, we'll just meet after bedtime now. I don't plan to let DP know beforehand. He has nothing nice planned, he just doesn't want to do bedtime alone.

If I'm brutally honest, there are definitely parts of my partner that I feel are controlling. I think he gets away with it because I'm a "strong" person so it isn't as obvious as if he was doing it to someone meek and more passive.

He continually tries to stop me from clicking my joints I get it's an annoying habit, but it's MY joints and MY habit. He's always on at me about it. There's other low level controlling behaviour like this too.

At this stage in our relationship, I'd definitely say we're together our of convenience and for the sake of the kids. We don't argue much but equally we don't really spend any quality time together outside of family days out. We're not romantic and I prefer being alone than around him most evenings (I guess they says it all really).

The problem is, we're entangled. We've been together an awfully long time and have 3 young children. Day to day we get on fine and financially we're obviously much better together. I definitely can't see myself with anyone else and I wouldn't have the energy to start over. Nor the inclination to separate the family and all that would entail for the kids.

Eugh. I hope this is just a down phase.

I'll be storing this in the bank though and next time he wants to avoid bedtime I'll be reminding him of tonight

Of course you go and you tell him what you told us. You put up with him being gone every Sunday for YEARS. He can deal with it.

Erm.....you've been out 700 or so Sundays over the last 728 leaving me alone with the kids and now you have a problem with my 4th time out.......

He continually tries to stop me from clicking my joints I get it's an annoying habit, but it's MY joints and MY habit. He's always on at me about it. There's other low level controlling behaviour like this too.

I don't really see that as controlling behaviour, I see it as him trying to stop you making a bloody annoying clicking noise all the time! I get they they are your joint and your habits but if you are doing it when in the same rooms as others, I can see why he tries to get you to stop.

"I've called my friend and said I'd love to go out, we'll just meet after bedtime now. I don't plan to let DP know beforehand. He has nothing nice planned, he just doesn't want to do bedtime alone".

You've basically given into him and have done what he wanted you to do all along. This is further how he controls you and in turn these children who are learning about relationships from the two of you. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour no matter how much it is dressed up. Abuse is no respecter of persons and it does not matter how weak or strong you are. He would have been the self same no matter what woman he was with. He likes you supposedly being "strong" too as it gives him an additional challenge to bring you down. BTW did your parents have a relationship like this?.

And as for his, "he does not want to do bedtime alone!" ah diddums!!! what the hell does he think you've been doing with the kids all these years whilst he has been out doing what he wants to do?. He has you well under the cosh here he really does, and he knows it too.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do not stay with such a man because of the kids, you've been together a long time, being financially entwined etc. NONE of these, let alone staying for the sake of the children (It could be argued it is really for your sake rather than theirs because its somehow easier for you) are any reason, let alone basis to remain being in a controlling and thus abusive relationship. Do not be afraid here to move on with your own life and reclaim it. Do not further teach your children that seeing you as their mother being this controlled and thus abused becomes their norm too. Thankfully you have not called him a good dad because he certainly is not one of those either. Good dads also do not control/ abuse the mother of their children.

Better to be on your own too than to be badly accompanied as you are now.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft as your man is in those pages.

All i can add to this OP is... 😲Is he your Dad ??

We otherwise have a fairly equal relationship I guess

I don't think you do, though. It sounds like you do most of the dinnertimes, cooking, bedtimes, and probably housework in general.

Maybe you're so used to the relationship that it feels normal, but honestly - it doesn't sound equal to me at all.

Are you the OP?

I'd just put the kids to bed then go.

Sorry just read update

Spending time with family or helping a family member isn't a hobby;it's a normal activity that most people do.

If my DH told me helping family out or seeing them amounts to "being out a lot" he'd be told he's taking the proverbial.

The real reason he doesn't want you to go out is because he can't be bothered to bathe the kids and put them to bed.He sees it as "woman's work".He probably also wants you cooking his dinner rather than letting someone cook for you for a change.

He's selfish and lazy.You don't need his permission to go out.

100% you should go. How dare he say you can't.

So you are having to appease him by doing all the bedtime routine before you can even leave the house? Is he your babysitter? What will he be doing while you are up to your ears in soap suds and reading stories? Will he still sulk all weekend?

He's got a nerve. I would go anyway. He was out last night, ffs!

I think you had a name change fail op but I hope you went out and had a good time? Honestly, don’t let him guilt trip you. You deserve some time out away from the children too!

You are not his possession, you need to just get ready and go, tell him to order himself a takeaway if he doesn't want to cook,
Also remind him of 14 years of him going out every weekend without having to justify himself and say see you later goodbye. X
Do not stay home, he will get worse x

Sorry just saw the update, glad you are going, your husband is lazy and not pulling his weight. X

Next time you want to go out, tell him, don't ask him.

Hello! New here. :)
I live in London and my now partner moved in with me 7mths ago leaving his home town to do so. We're both in our mid fifties and it felt right so took the plunge.
we've been talking about the future and recently viewed a property in Somerset. It was beautiful with all the usual rural benefits. However I've now changed my mind. After lots of thinking through I can't be that far away from my daughters and grandchildren. I'm not usually an indecisive person but on this occasion I felt I'd made the wrong decision by agreeing to this. I've apologised to him explaining why, he's now barely talking to me, said he feels disappointed and we will never get another opportunity like this etc... there's now a horrible atmosphere. I've said there will be other opportunities- im even open to moving just not such a distance. I was a single mum for many years and my daughters don't have their father in their lives. I'm just surprised at how he's reacted to this. Tbh it's unnerved me slightly re his character.
I do feel awful for this and have apologised several times for getting hopes up but now don't know what else I can do.