Control

[DollyDaydream55]

Am separated from husband. Took me a long time to do it. He was sulky, stroppy, controlling. Also, charming, funny, kind and would do anything for me, until I “misbehaved”.

Eight months on, I feel lost. Hopeless. People tell me to “embrace” my new freedom but I find I have no idea what to do with myself.

The money worries are enormous. I’m finding it really hard to find work. I wake each day feeling I’m worse off now than I was with “H”. I have no direction or motivation. I keep going only because I absolutely have to.

Will I one day look back and feel I did the right thing? I had no choice but to file for divorce so, why do I feel so ashamed and low?

I’m sorry, OP. I wonder if it’s worth talking to your GP or a counsellor? (You could also talk to CAB about your money worries, perhaps.) Do you have much of a support network — good friends or family? You certainly have no reason to feel ashamed, but I don’t think me telling you that will change how you feel…

Have you been conditioned to never 'give up' on a relationship? Did your parents stay together even though they were unhappy, maybe? Or have you been conditioned not to act on your feelings? Parents who didn't listen to you, due to addiction/illness/demanding siblings?

So previously if you "misbehaved" he could turn in the stroppy controlling him. So his actions were all about how you behaved or not?

And you ask if you have done the right thing?

Well of course because now you can behave as any adult in a free country should, just that, freely.

He was effectively paying you to behave how he thought you should. Like a performing seal not an independent wife.

No amount of cash is worth that excuse of a relationship. Take a job, any job it doesn't matter, get out the house working. Step by step.

@DMLady I have seen my GP. She’s referred me for some talking therapy but obviously, this department is very overstretched right now. So many people with so many worries. I did try for so long (we were married for 19 yrs) to be all things to all people but in doing that, I became “unseen”. Someone in the background “doing” and being told I was either wonderful or totally unworthy. I have family who knew nothing and friends who knew even less about what was happening because I couldn’t contemplate losing the relationship. I ought to have stood up for myself. Now that I have, I miss the the good things. Unfortunately, the silences and him disappearing for days on end and telling me how much he’s been compromised by having me in his life, became more and more frequent. Enough was enough. Or so I believed. So, why aren’t I brimming with happiness?

@Watchkeys Ahhh, yes. You have me down perfectly there. Giving up on what was “good for me” was unforgivable when I grew up. I never know when to quit and the slightest encouragement I get is enough to keep me going. I have been conditioned to smile and “get on with things” and I had a husband who taught me within six months of marriage that “we” don’t complain. Even when he has since apologised for having seen me being treated badly, he silenced me with days of not even sitting in the same room with me/speaking to me/looking at me if I spoke out. He always threatened me with ending the relationship and I desperately didn’t want that.

I’ve read it takes 1 month per year to ‘get over’ a relationship breakdown. Based on that you’re only half way there.

OK, so can you identify the feelings during the relationship that you've ignored/minimised/brushed aside? I'm thinking that if you can justify leaving to yourself (and not just your brain-self, your emotion-self too, they're not the same. That's why you've got one part telling the other part how it should feel), you'll feel better.

I think you are expecting too much of yourself to be honest.

I'm sure you are relieved but you don't get over years of this treatment in such a short time.

It will take time for you to grieve and move on. Doesn't mean you have made a mistake.

There are ups and downs throughout life irregardless of relationships. Lots of people have money worries right now too.

If you'd kept him then it would just have been swapping one problem for another. Differences is, money worries are only temporary where as he would have been a thorn in your side perminantly. So you made the best choice.

Make sure you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to. EBay anything you don't use anymore.and maybe speak to your gp about your lack if motivation. It could just be the winter blues.