Did he gaslight me?

[PlainJane12388]

Hi all, I'm very upset and confused about my recent breakup and would love some insight. I believe I have trust issues and anxieties around relationships and that I perhaps subconsciously sabotage things - which is why I'm really doubting myself about the circumstances of this break up.

Long story short - my exDP (of 2 years) had a 'cold', claimed he had tested for covid and was negative. I met him in town with his daughter - I can't remember the exact circumstances but I mentioned something about my DP never having covid and his daughter said something along the lines of "Well dad, you told us you tested negative and then positive", for some reason I felt embarrassed on my DPs behalf and changed the subject quickly.

A few days later I feel awful and test positive. I text my DP saying I'm have doubts about him due to his daughters comment. I ask him if he lied to me. He gets very defensive, says he can't believe I would accuse him, that he's hurt and upset. He says I must have misheard/misunderstood (even though he was stood right next to me). Its been hurtful and messy and we've now broken up as he refused to change his version of events.

Now I'm not bothered about covid - it's nothing to do with that. It's the lying and gaslighting. He's been so convincing and vehement in denying it. I believe he loves me deeply so why would he do this to me? A simple apology when I called him out would have been the end of it. I'm starting to question my memory - asking myself if she really said that!? I guess I don't trust myself or him 😥other than this he has been very loving, supportive and kind throughout our relationship - I'm heartbroken

Can anyone shed any light? I'd really appreciate it as I feel like I'm going mad

I should add that it doesn't appear that he has asked his daughter for an explanation - all he's said is he doesn't know why she would say that (if she said that)

I don't think we can involve his daughter in this. She is 15 and suffers badly from anxiety.

Has it not occured to you that he might be telling the truth?

And that my memory is completely false?
Or that his 15yo would lie? I don't see why she would... its hard to remember but he didn't jump in and say 'what do you mean...?' He was stood right there

So you have split up with him over this one incident? Could it have been a misunderstanding? Maybe she got it the wrong way around and he actually tested positive the 1st time then negative the 2nd time.

This doesn't make any sense. Healthy relationships don't break down because of one disagreement. People don't suspect someone so kind, loving and supportive of lying. You wouldn't feel you were going mad because of one misunderstanding.

There's a backstory you haven't told us, I think.

I’m not sure I understand. Did you really end a relationship because of a disagreement about whether his daughter said something or not?

Not convinced it’s gaslighting. He has just been caught out in a lie surely?

Some people get positive and negative muddled up and think a negative result means they've got the thing and a positive result means they're healthy (not just Covid-related). I wonder if he got muddled up and his daughter remembered he'd said it round the wrong way and then the right way. He might have forgotten that that happened.
Then when you said he'd lied he got upset because he hadn't lied?

Personally I think this is a huge over reaction to a misunderstanding - you've ended your relationship over a throwaway remark from a 15yo that might not even be correct.

I tested negative then tested positive an hour later when I was sure I had covid. Entirely plausible he was telling the truth and told her he tested negative, then later tested positive. Have you really ended your relationship over this?

Apologies I think I read your post incorrectly. Anyway, yes he might have lied but equally his 15yo might have got it entirely wrong. Not gaslighting in any case.

He possibly wanted to see you but knew he wouldn't likely be able to if you knew his positive status. If that was his attitude I'm surprised he bothered to take a test really, or could take one as they aren't required anymore, many people dont have tests. If it was a LFT, they aren't reliable anyway, I tested negative throughout my last covid episode, but was positive on pcr test. If your viral load is low because you have developed good immunity via vacs, and/or exposure, it may not pick up via LFT.
Having said all that, if he lied about it, I can understand the anger. It seems he did, and once caught out, is sticking to his story rather than apologising for it, which is a worrying trait.

I tested positive for Covid over the weekend and the first thing I did was to inform everyone I had been in contact with. I felt horribly guilty that I could have infected some of them before I started having symptoms and tested.

I hard a really bad couple of days/nights dealing with the virus and really worried I was going to get worse at one point and considered whether I needed to go to A&E. I would not wish this on anyone.

My point is I would never lie about testing positive having gone through the reality of having Covid now and I would want nothing to do with someone who did that.

If you partner did lie about the test result and put you, and his kid, at risk, then good riddance to him.

I can't believe the replies above from people who think lying about this and then trying to avoid your questions is acceptable behaviour.

If he was genuine he would simply have calmly given you an explanation, not got defensive.

It is a bit of a ''coincidence'' that he claims to have a cold only, meets you, his daughter remembers that he said he had a positive test and then poof you just happen to come down with the virus.

To me his reaction also screams liar.

It is gaslighting because he's trying to say OP didn't hear what she heard with her own ears.

What the daughter said wasn't wrong or he would've said so at the time rather than just standing there.

@Greenfairydust i absolutely agree with you on this x @PlainJane12388 dump his lying carcass…you deserve better xx

@PlainJane12388

But is it only Covid that you feel he gaslighted you about?

To me it seems built up here like that tipped you over the edge. Like you been suspicious of him anyway.

Or maybe the OP is the one doing the gaslighting trying to force him to say he lied when she heard something incorrectly.

This. He IS gaslighting you OP.

@Igglepiggleslittletoe Well you can randomly believe him for no apparent reason I guess. Bored today?

Whatever, you're better off without him, I'd say. I think he had covid and wasn't straight with you, then blamed you. There'll be more where that came from.