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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about my friend

18 replies

Tiny2018 · 01/12/2022 19:11

Really concerned about my friend. We spoke earlier on the phone and it became apparent that her boyfriend of around 4 months is exhibiting some controlling tendencies.

One of the main things that stood out was that she has her son in bed with her one night a week, which he is unhappy about. When she defended herself and stated that's what they'd always done and he was welcome to stay away on these nights, all seemed ok. She had also mentioned that he was round more than she would like and sometimes need some space, i told her it was perfectly ok to tell him that she wanted x amount of days to herself.

Anyway. He bought her a bigger bed, all is well. Only now he has told her that he bought the bed for adults only. He asked to stay tonight, she stated that her child would be in bed with her, if hes fine with that, then ok. He replied saying he's not, he will come and collect his work card and keys and stay away for tonight.

She has just rang me to tell me he turned up at her house and changed the locks on her door, leaving two keys and taking one for himself. When I asked her wtf, she said they had a conversation around a month ago regarding the locks needing changing as her friend who had previously stayed with her had lost a key.

She asked me if she is overreacting, I told her she's underreacting. That although the lock changing conversation happened some time ago, it's funny how today, the day he hasn't managed to get his own way, he has miraculously changed the locks.

I have advised her to demand the key that he took back and to accept no excuses, failing that, to call the council and request a lock change. When I asked her how she reacted whilst he was changing the locks, she said she was completely bewildered and just asked what he was doing, his response being that it would be easier for when she's not home.

WTAF is it with these men? How dare he? I'm so angry on her behalf, and very concerned for her welfare.

OP posts:
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 01/12/2022 19:18

She needs to get a locksmith out right now, get them changed again and NEVER give this twat of a man a key.
Better still change the locks and NEVER SEE this twat of a man again .

How bloody dare he.

CuriousMama · 01/12/2022 19:22

Wow he's shocking. I hope she listens to sense. Why's she got him near her DC?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 01/12/2022 19:22

Wow he sounds actually dangerous.. Even if I had to lend her the cash I would have her change them tomorrow.. And he needs blocking. And she needs to call the police if necessary.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 01/12/2022 19:22

4 months in he is definitely a wrong un.. Imagine if she lets this go.

Sadbeigechildren · 01/12/2022 19:24

She needs to change the locks tomorrow and end this. She also shouldn't have her son and some random in the same bed! Not surprised he has a problem with it.

gamerchick · 01/12/2022 19:27

He's going to move in by stealth. She and he bairn are in danger from an abusive man. She needs to bin now. The locks need to be changed tomorrow.

tealandteal · 01/12/2022 19:28

She needs to change the locks ASAP. Why has this man even met her DC after 4 months, never mind sharing a bed with her and her child?!

gamerchick · 01/12/2022 19:29

For the minute, keep the key in the lock and turn it so it can't be opened from the outside and use the back door instead.

Bin, secure her property and call the police if he turns up.

AuntyPeanut · 01/12/2022 19:35

Did I understand it right that she said he is welcomed to sleep with her and her son in the same bed?

Of course she needs to get the locked changed and to end it with him, blocking him everywhere. He is totally unhinged.

I would report this friend to social services because she has no boundaries or selectiveness when it comes to who she allows in her home and near her child. She sounds like a pedophile's dream target.

Tiny2018 · 01/12/2022 19:50

Just spoken to ber again, she intends to get the locks sorted first thing tomorrow, has put the chain on and locked door from the inside for tonight.

I've never met him, was due to meet him on Saturday night. It all happened quite fast between them. She intends to end things with him, I'm really hoping he doesn't turn nasty.

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 19:52

Yes, he's a "wrong un" and unfortunately, he probably targeted her. Because most women would allow a boyfriend of 4 months to spending that much time with them and their young DC, never mind bed sharing etc.

She needs to dump him and then look at what is going on in her own life that means she accepts this behaviour. Because sadly, she won't be safe from men like this until she learns to spot them right from the start.

Zanatdy · 01/12/2022 20:00

The child in the bed would be enough for me. He clearly knew this info when he got with her, once a week is nothing, and like she says he doesn’t need to stay that night. The lock thing is clearly him making a statement, tell her to get the locks changed and him out of her life for good. If this is what it’s like at 4 months, imagine 4yrs?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 01/12/2022 20:00

Haven't done it but wish the Feedom Program had been out years ago. Your friend needs it suggested to her. She obviously needs help keeping her and her dc safe in future.

Tiny2018 · 01/12/2022 20:01

She is the nicest person ever, but has poor boundaries, trouble saying no, generous and kind hearted. Last year she came out of a relationship with her childs father, she came out of with mich of her confidence gone, he was a cold man who often made her feel like shit about herself.

We have known each other for quite some time now and we get on so well partly because I am similar to her. I stay away from men these days as cannot trust my own judgement either.

It's really awful to see someone you care about be steamroller in such a fashion, I really hope she fucks the fruitcake off.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 01/12/2022 20:01

I had a nutjob bf once so can relate somewhat. I really hope she does as she's said.

Tiny2018 · 01/12/2022 20:02

*steamrolled

OP posts:
AuntyPeanut · 01/12/2022 20:21

She needs to stay away from men for a good few years and focus on your son and rebuilding her life. She's gone from one bad relation to the other. She's not learnt.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/12/2022 20:26

To be fair the child in the bed thing while he's staying - I can understand that. that's very strange to share a bed with a child who he's only known for a few months.

The lock thing - she needs a locksmith out straight away and not let him back in.

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