Dating post abusive relationship

[user7826496296]

I was with my ex for a very long time, he displays narcissistic tendencies including controlling behavior, mental and emotional abuse. I have come out of it bruised and battered emotionally but I'm getting stronger by the day, we separated lat year.
He is still in the picture as the father of my DC and is getting very angry at his lack of control over me, and my relative success (as in I have survived and coped). He is bad mouthing me to many people including our children and praying on my insecurities.
I have started seeing somebody lovely who I have known for a very long time. We recently had sex, which was a massive thing for me as it has been so traumatic over the years. He knows a lot of what has happened but not everything I'm worried I will scare him off. I am in therapy too.
How do I get over my anxiety of being hurt? When he said he needed to leave the night we first had sex a little voice in my head straight away went of course he does he's done with you now. He then stayed a further 3 hours so clearly wasn't desperate to leave which should reassure me.
If I think I have said something wrong but he can't reply because he is asleep I panic that it's over because I have screwed up again.
I feel like he has this image of me which is fake and he's going to see through it and it will all come crashing down.
I feel like I have opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship and I am so damn vulnerable and it terrifies me. How much do I tell him without it scaring him off?
During sex he put his hand near my collar bone and I freaked out inside because my ex would strangle me during sex so I moved his hand but didn't say anything because I don't want him to think I am damaged or a freak.
How do I learn to accept complements, that there isn't an alterier motive? And believe that maybe he does thing I'm pretty or whatever?

I know I need to keep working with my therapist and I am, I just need advise from people who have been here because I'm so scared and I don't want to mess up this potential relationship. It's long distance at the minute too. Thanks for any advise I'm just feeling very low today

You are concerning yourself with how he feels, and how your relationship goes, before concerning yourself with how you feel. You're not comfortable.

You are anxious about being hurt because you have been hurt. Just like a person with a broken leg is anxious about having their leg touched, even if the touch would be harmless. You are flinching not because you're 'a freak', but because you have learned a valuable lesson, and learned it well. When you heal a bit more, you'll be in a better position to accept compliments. But for now, you are wounded. Have some sympathy and decency towards yourself. In the same way the broken leg person wouldn't try to force themselves to accept touch, and would say 'No, not now, please don't, I'm hurt', you need to do that for yourself.

A successful relationship requires all parties to be ready to be loved. You are currently trying not to feel your feelings, you are trying to silence them, and we don't silence the feelings of those we love. So you don't know what love looks like; nobody does until they love and respect themselves.

Look to yourself first. You feel uncomfortable: accept that. Anybody who doesn't understand that needs to get lost. Don't hide who you are because you're scared someone won't like you. Be who you are, and you'll find out who really does like/love you.

Thank you we are not in a relationship as such more chatting and reconnecting. I did tell him that I need to take things slowly and he was totally supportive. As I say he is lovely!
I have a lot to work on in therapy and it is a slow process but thank you, I need to make myself realise that my issues are not me but a product of my trauma. It's easy to say that but hard to believe it!

Your post sounds like me. I've been separated for 2.5 years. I've been on off chatting with a man I've known since I was a teenager, and who was in my life before I met my ex. I chat to him, because its safe. I know him of old and I know where I stand with him. And that he isn't in the relationship category. Just in the bit of fun category.

Progressing away from that safe easy space to actually catching feelings for someone has not happened. Mainly because I've been protecting myself. I've convinced myself it's because I'm trying to heal and become a better person. Which in part is true. But a large part is because I'm frightened of making the same mistakes. I'm frightened of being hurt. I'm frightened of being rejected. And only recently have I started to feel somewhat different.

Be kind to yourself. And be honest with yourself, and this man. If they run they aren't right for you.

@Cluelessat33 thank you for sharing, I have developed feelings for him which is great but chipping away at the wall I have built up to protect myself is so hard. We have been meeting up and chatting daily for a few months and it's great but I just feel like I'm putting pressure on myself to not screw it up. There is zero pressure from him. I'm just so damn insecure! Not jealous, I've never been a jealous person. Just so scared I'm going to get it wrong and mess up what could potentially, in the future be good

@Cluelessat33 the fear of rejection is the worst I hate it, I feel it with friends too. If I think I've done something wrong or that they are being "off" with me (often made up in my head) I overthink and beat myself up so bad until I can actually speak to that person and confirm that it's ok.
My ex would manipulate arguments between me and my friends for fun

The thing is, dating and looking for a new relationship means that there's a possibility you will get hurt. Having a relationship means you might get hurt. You can never trust anyone 100%

Whether or not you are happy depends on whether you have your own back. It depends on how well you are able to take care of yourself, when the chips are down. It depends how you save yourself if someone hurts you. It's not about whether the other person is doing something wrong or not: if you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't matter if they've done wrong. Your feeling of discomfort is all you need to know to make a change. Whether that's to broach the subject or walk away is up to you, but if you can't talk to them about it or you put your discomfort down to being 'a freak', then you don't have your own back. You are not there to catch you, if you fall; if it all goes wrong, you will assume that you were the one who cocked up/failed to spot the signs/attracts bad men/whatever, you won't assume that you got hurt because someone was hurtful, and that happens to the best of us, and that you need kind words and a hug.

This is about whether you have your own back or not. You didn't with your ex, and you're scared now because you still don't. People who look after themselves and take responsibility for their own wellbeing go into new relationships knowing they might get hurt. That's not going to go away. But they know that if they do get hurt, they'll be ok, because they're being taken good, loving, respectful care of by someone: themselves. They would not be worrying about how they were being viewed, how they came across, etc, which is all self criticism.

@Watchkeys that makes a lot of sense thank you

@user7826496296

I think it's too soon for you to be seeing someone else. Your in therapy and need to be focused on healing yourself from your ex.

I do think you need to stop seeing this guy for now. Well maybe let him go.

You need to get stronger before you think of dating and have yourself together. Enjoy being single and enjoy your friends.
Just get you where you need to be.

Then try dating but take your time.