I’m so f’ing angry

[Clydethecaterpillar]

That I’m so f’ing angry all the time at DH, yes there are certain triggers but a lot of the time I just can’t pin point the why, it’s like seething resentment or anger just bubbling under the surface.

we have two dc and he is the higher earner so life without him would be harder. I’m finishing my mat leave and day in day out with kids and whining because they’ve been ill (I’m not angry at them or anything obviously it’s not their fault) but I feel like I’ve reached my max. Lunch and dinner are always prepared by me, in a scrap with both of them having to sit at the kitchen table and then they start moaning and kicking off. I’ve begged and begged DH to cook 2 meals a week (that’s it) and it’s happened once and one of those was just frozen food in the oven. I asked him to sort lunch the other day and he’s giving it the biggun that he’s cooked and he made food for the 3 of them and nothing for me, then broke my le creuset skillet by dropping it, taking a massive chunk out of the unit and tile on the way down. Feels like weaponised incompetence. Other ‘meals’ include him defrosting left overs ive frozen.

he has to be told how to do everything, no house proudness and then says to me that he’s working I’m just sitting around so I should be cleaning and keeping it spotless. But when I did work prior to mat leave, guess who did majority of the cooking and cleaning… oh yeah me. I’ve Tried getting organised and prepping everything the night before, but it’s me cooking until 10pm.

obviously there is no sex life, because why would there be, and even when there was I got very little out of it. I’m just done

i honestly feel like a ball of angry energy just bouncing around waiting to explode.

purpose of this is just me getting it off my chest

it's not right, I would do 2 meals a week that are either ready meals or takeaway to give yourself a little bit of a break if he's not picking up anything. I am a SAHP too and it's hard graft and does feel like Groundhog Day, so you do right going back to work if it means you can afford a cleaner or someone to pick up the jobs you will no longer be able to do.

OK, so you got it off your chest.What do you want to do know? Continue until you completely burn out or try to change it?

Thing is though due to col and childcare I won’t be able to afford a cleaner, truth is now I just hate him. His needs always trump mine and I’m just sick to death of it and then there’s the fact he earns more than me which is constantly thrown back in my face

I’ve seen a therapist to help me process my feelings and he sees one but all his have done is validate how he feels and nothings changed. The bar is set so low for men (esp from his cultural background) he thinks he’s a saint for doing a few bits. I think my rage is burn out, not physically but mentally.

murder is frowned on right? (Joking Obvs)

I'd tell him straight "unless you start treating me like a wife rather than your maid I'll leave you." And see what happens.

I have, I’ve contacted divorce solicitors too, not as a threat but because I’m at breaking point. He laughs at me and says I’m always moaning and he does more than most men. I’m sure in someways he does but there’s a lot do dogshit men out there

Family law is on your side.

Dump his useless ass and he can pay child support and maintenance.

From experience family courts in the country are a bit of a shit show, and then there’s cost of living and my non existent support network (apathetic family and fair weather friends). But it’s heading that way, I can just see myself exploding in anger and that won’t be pretty

Google Wifework OP.
You are being wifeworked

I will say this:

I was where you are, albeit with one child (and one man child). He did absolutely nothing and if I was blessed with the gift of him cooking a meal, it would take 3 hours of him cooking, multiple trips to supermarkets for very odd ingredients and then a huge kitchen to clean up afterwards.

He never lifted a finger, helped with our child, looked at me as a servant and a sex worker.

Can you guess what happened? We got divorced.

They’re supposed to be our partners who want to see us happy and thriving but whilst you do all this dog work with zero thanks or help, he just gets to continue their self indulged lives. The resentment kicking in is the worst and it’ll never leave and just fester unless you do something. If you want to to truly to make you marriage work you’ll need to give him an ultimatum and if he truly wants to make it work, he’ll listen. If he doesn’t then that’s your answer

Anger is a useful emotion I find, if not channelled it becomes despair though. Make good use of it.

It does sound as if you're just sick of him (can't blame you).

Are you planning to return to work? Did you return to work after DC1? Was he different/'better' before DC or if you returned to work after DC1?

I ask this to see if perhaps you're just 'burnt out' on the SAHM gig. Not everyone is cut out for it (and that's NOT a 'slam' on anyone!). BUT if he's just as useless when you're working, when he doesn't have the 'you're at home all day you do it' bullshit excuse, then maybe it is 'time to call time'.

Life as a single parent can be a real grind since it's defo all on you 100%. BUT a friend of mine said that although she now had NO help at all (instead of begged for/pleaded for grudgingly given help) she felt so much 'lighter' without the load of mental resentment and anger she felt at seeing him just sit there or swan off for golf. She also said the reduced amount of work to do not having to look after/pick up after him actually gave her more time to relax in the evenings and weekends.

I think you need to go back and see that divorce solicitor. Then give some serious thought to what he brings to your marriage other than money. And what your life might be like back to work but just you and DC to look after.

He LAUGHS at you? Vile man

Call his bluff. Get rid of him

Yeah I went back to work full time, and will do the same now. It was exactly the same! Even better is that I went back to work on condensed hrs so had to work an extra 90 mins a day, and I still made all lunches and dinners, i was wfh (as was he)MIL helped watch dc1 whilst we wfh, I’d have to sneak away from my desk and block our time as a ‘meeting’ to do lunch, then he’d take his lunch break and eat with Dc, I wouldn’t actually get chance for lunch, and then I’d have to have a hard finish at 5 to cook dinner and eat and then log on until 9/10 pm to finish off for the day after bedtime and be waking up in the night with a breastfed 1 yr old, I’d also express milk do he could give it in a cup at bedtime to allow me to have a quick shower,m. And his mother would point out places in the house I needed to clean more! Occasionally I’d prep dinner for the next day but I’d be up til 11:30 and he’d go off to bed at 10. The place I worked for was so flexible thankfully, but that won’t be the case this time around

Spend some of that high earning on couple counselling.

Oh and the best thing is when I’d say I need more support, it was ‘I’m meant to be working, I can’t’ to which I’d say me too! But the response was ‘well at your pay grade they know you don’t care that much, but at my pay grade they expect me to care and they expect results’ I earned mid 30s and him mid 40s. We’ve both had promotions and he’s mid 50s and I’m mid 40s now (or will be soon) and we’re still seeing the same words being flung around

Wouldn’t really call it high lol but he doesn’t want to, thinks it’s a waste

This is an absolutely shocking way to participate in your own misery. Don't run yourself into the ground for a man who is happy to watch. Stop doing anything for him.

I don’t actually do anything for him per se, like his washing or ironing his clothes it’s mainly food and having a clean house, but I cook predominantly for the children and myself but he just so happens to benefit from it too

A lot of dogshit men out there! 😂 Oh I like you OP!!

So how realistic would it be to fuck off last minute and leave him alone with the kids for a week? Long term though, it definitely sounds like you need to start looking at ways out.

@Clydethecaterpillar

Oh Jeez, reading your responses to my post, my gut reaction is to GTFO. He doesn't add anything to your life as far as I can see. No/not much help with the DC AND he denigrates your work because you earn 'less' than him. It has nothing to do with how much one earns, it has to do with having equal time for family 'duties' and leisure time. If both work 40 hours/week then jobs should be 50/50. Not 60/40 because you earn 10k less than him. That's bullshit!

DH and I both worked full time, 2 DC. For a few years I out-earned him by quite a bit because he retrained and started a new career. Our equal 'division of labor' didn't change one whit. And I certainly didn't feel that because I earned more I should do less than my fair share. We looked at what needed to be done and divvied it up based on who was the most suitable for which job. I did more 'inside' because we have acreage and it takes a great deal of 'heavy' work to keep in shape. So he did more 'outside' than I did. But at the end of the day we felt we were pretty even Steven. Still do.

Maybe he does do his own laundry. But I think if you start paying attention there are probably quite a few things you do around the house because of him. Extra dishes, towels, picking up random stuff, etc. He may think he earns his 'keep' financially, but I'm certain he doesn't earn it emotionally or physically.

It's your decision, of course. But IMHO it's better to be alone that to be wishing you were.

OP our circumstances sound so similar, I had a very similar experience when we had kids/when I went on mat leave/when I went back to work (plus some extra issues thrown in with DH anger issues etc).

i’ve always clung grimly to my career and am now at the point where we earn the same and if we divided assets I could probably just manage the mortgage by myself.

DC are now 8 and nearly 5 and I have told H we separating. I’m only 41, I can’t live like this. It’s not just the burn out but the ongoing lack of care that’s soul destroying. How can anyone think it’s ok to treat their wife with such contempt and a lack of care?

H claims to be blindsided and promises to change but (a) I don’t believe him (b) if he ca. change, why didn’t he do it ages ago (c) even if he does I don’t think I care any more. It’s been an 8 year (unconscious) process for
me though, and I don’t think I could have even considered it when kids were smaller.

Lots of love, I know how hard and frustrating and lonely it is ❤️

Divorce him. When I became a single mother I actually coped better as I wasn't seething at my lazy, selfish husband at the same time as doing everything. This is no life for you.

How old are the children?

Exhaustion & burn out is very real. Is there a chance you could get away for a couple of nights?

He made lunch for himself and the kids, deliberately excluding you? What reason did he give?