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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone home NC with dad & happy?

18 replies

MsMiaWallace · 01/12/2022 09:42

I am sick of the anxiety that the strained relationship brings with my dad.
I have tried for years for the sake of my kids.
It's always his way & there is no real effort with the grandkids from him.

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 01/12/2022 09:45

Sorry OP but You’re flogging dead horse.
Remove the source of anxiety and go NC. Get some counselling if you can to tackle the issues.
Your father is clearly not interested in your family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2022 09:52

Stop trying. Drop the rope entirely here and do not reach out to him any longer. You do not need his approval either, not that he would ever give it to you anyway. Let go of any and all residual hope that he has or will somehow change for you all. Your dad has not changed since you were a child and that is not your fault either. Its really not your fault he is like this.

Where is your mother in all this?. Is she present in your life these days?.

He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he's unsurprisingly been a poor example of a grandfather to your children. Your children are actually better off without him in their lives; children need emotionally healthy grandparents and your dad is not built that way.

Have a read of the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Do also consider counselling and interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any particular one person to work with.

Lostatsea10 · 01/12/2022 09:53

I’m NC with my dad as of May this year and it’s been an utter joy. The relief is palpable and I no longer dread seeing his name on my phone.

Greatlyexaggeratedseemsthenorm · 01/12/2022 10:01

I'm NC with family (Not DF though). It was a hard thing to do and not an easy decision, but I am SO much happier for it. It was so much worse than I realised at the time (and I knew it was bad). However, can you try LC, or just instilling really strict boundaries? (I tried both and the abusive side ramped up and they were apoplectic at the change in my availability! But it might be worth trying for you?

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 01/12/2022 10:06

Thanks for replies.
He knows that we don't have any other family too.
It's his way or no way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2022 10:13

Make it your way rather than his; drop the rope completely. Protect yourself and your kids from him going forwards.

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 01/12/2022 10:24

My dad is retired. My DH & work full time have 3 kids. One is only 2. DH has Parkinson's ffs.
My 2 year old is currently being tested for developmental concerns. I am in & out of hospital.....
no interest in this.
If I don't say yes to him he spits his dummy out.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/12/2022 11:16

I went nc with mine as soon as I was pg, my dc weren’t going to have to deal with him
No regrets, didn’t go to his funeral either

FrenchBoule · 01/12/2022 13:25

OP, been there and got the tshirt.I have the exact same circumstance. Life throws so much crap at me that I don’t have time for somebody’s perceived wrongdoings and the drama.

I was quite happy to take the highway. I have peace now.

Drop the rope as @AttilaTheMeerkat said and let him spit the dummy.

What positive does he bring into your life?

You don’t have to accommodate anybody’s demands whether they are related or not.

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 01/12/2022 16:47

I then feel bad for the kids though.
I had to debate about him seeing my kids over this past week. 2 of my kids birthdays are a week apart (both on Wednesday)
Said he come round Sunday morning, to drop card in. I said I'm at work so struggling. Response is: well you don't work all day. Actually I work 10hr shifts.
Anyway I prep myself for Sunday anyway to fit in before work. Phone call, sorry I'm not coming I feel rough with a hangover..... said he'd come round Monday morning.
I messaged as I felt bloody ill to apologise & not to come. Kids were at school anyway.
We can pop round to his Saturday morning . No response to this!
Sons birthday yesterday. I get a text saying 'any chance I can speak to the birthday boy'
Que me having to ring. He's an arsehole on the phone to me. I mentioned Saturday & he said well we're going away in our van. Asked can't he spare half hour to see the kids??
It was like getting blood out of a stone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2022 16:57

Stop feeling bad for the kids!!!. Its not their fault either their grandfather is a crap human being. I would urge you to deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt you have re your dad through seeing a therapist. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward would be a good start point.

Your so called father actively continues to let both you and your children down. Drop the rope here and stop reaching out to him. You are merely setting yourself up for yet more disappointment if you keep trying.

If anyone should feel bad here its your so called father but he does not. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

If a parent or other relative is too toxic, abusive or otherwise too bloody batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for the kids too.

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 02/12/2022 11:17

And further to my previous he has been away the past 6 months on his narrow boat !

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2022 11:22

Feel bad for the kids that their Grandad is shite
Then protect them from him

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 03/12/2022 20:02

Well after everything this morning I got a phone call. Don't come round his missus is poorly she's been off work & everything. (She doesn't work).
I was at work late got up early & got kids ready to go round.....

OP posts:
Eatingjumper · 04/12/2022 08:12

It's time to just drop the rope, OP. Sorry your dad isn't that man you wish he was, but it's long past time to accept he never will be. And don't put your children through the same rejection you've had to go through. Have you been to see a therapist at all? Please consider this if you haven't already. It sounds like you would really benefit from it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2022 09:37

You have to park the notion that he will still somehow change and or say sorry for his continual rejection of you. You also do not need his approval, not that he would ever give you this anyway.

This is who he is and has been all along. Please protect both yourself and your kids from your dad. Its not your fault he is like this and you did not make him this way.

I would also suggest seeing a BACP registered therapist. It will be money well spent. Part of the healing process too is grieving for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 04/12/2022 15:40

Thank you for the advice. I know your all right.
I feel like I've spent years wanting to make him proud, for what?
I guess I thought he'd actually want to be a part of my kids life

OP posts:
Eatingjumper · 05/12/2022 06:54

"I guess I thought he'd actually want to be a part of my kids life"

Oh I understand this feeling. It took me a long time to accept that their treatment of grandkids ultimately wouldn't be much different. After all, they treated their own kids this way and we were the people they were supposed to love more than anyone else in the world. I'm sorry.

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