What to do?Best Friend making a terrible mistake with new partner

[Viewfinder1]

Hi, opinions please

My best friend is 34 and she met a 38 year old man online 10 months ago. She said to me they are going to start trying for a baby in a few weeks. I didn't say it to her but i think she is making a big mistake with this man. Here is why.

He had only come out of a suicidal crisis when she met him and was attending therapy with some suicide charity. A few months later, he was back in crisis. Then just two weeks ago he spent 2 nights at the cliffs sleeping in his car. He drinks quite a bit.

I think my friend can do better. She did say to me once she wanted a baby so much it hurts but I think she shouldn't try for a baby in a few weeks time for her sake and the baby's sake. I don't want to lose our friendship. What should I do? Say nothing or advise her that she has only met this man months ago and he has serious issues and she can do better

Say nothing and be there for her. We took this line with someone and then when her relationship broke down she felt she could come to us for support. You will probably lose your friend if you try to persuade her to drop this man.

Agree with PP. All you can do is be there for her when it all goes tits up.

Oh god. What is she thinking.

If what she really wants is a baby (rather than a relationship with this man) she would be better off getting a sperm donor and going it alone.
This has disaster written all over it!

I understand what pp are saying but I think there's a way you can ask thought provoking questions in a kind and gentle manner which hopefully won't affect your friendship. You can't tell her what to do, but you can ask her 'what if xxx'? If her desire for a child (babies are for life not just the newborn stage!) is greater than her love of the man, there are other ways she can have a child.

Ridiculous. What is she thinking? I'd have to tell her straight out.

If everyone is pussy footing about maybe she thinks "no one is saying anything so these can't be red flags"

My view is it is would not be good for her, for any future baby or even for the man.

It has disaster written all over it

I'd tell her straight and encouraged her to go see a fertility clinic and start enquires about ivf. Doesn't mean she has to go that route, but might make her feel more positive that she can have a child.

(Privately I would be massively concerned that his mental health issue could be genetic, there are genetic mental health conditions in my family and many of us have chosen to not have children for this reason)

Some people here say to talk to my friend. Others to stay out of it. That is my dilemma: what to do?

It just does not look like a good situation to try to conceive. It looks like a potential disaster for all involved, including any future child, especially as this man just two weeks ago was in severe distress and went to the cliffs saying he didn't want to live. My friend does recognise he has issues and made him book an appointment with a psychiatrist a few days ago but nonetheless says she intends to try for a baby with him whenever she is fertile next.

It all screams disaster. Am I a good friend if I say nothing and just let it happen or am I a better friend if I advise her that these are not circumstances for bringing a baby into the world???? Head is wrecked trying to decide??????? Is my friend being extremely selfish?????

You can talk to her, but not confront, don't tell her it'll be a disaster. Ask questions, what are her thoughts and plans for various possible/probable scenarios. Not all in one go, drip them in to encourage her to think rationally about the situation.
She may take a suggestion that would be good to wait until he is stable before ttc as she will need support when pregnant, newborn. With her clock ticking this hopefully will help her realise that this situation isn't worth hanging around for...
So yes talk to her, but gently and non-judgmentally

You call it disaster as if it’s 100% guaranteed.

if it’s any comfort, you don’t know for a fact it will be a disaster. People who have been through crisis are able to be good partners and fathers…

if you want to raise it with her, you need to think carefully about your language, so that you don’t appear like you know best between their relationship, because you likely know less than them both who have made this decision.

I would say “I’m your friend and I will support you no matter what, but I do have a concern that he might not be in a great place due to x. Have you thought about how things might work out if he has another episode of x”. then accept 100% her views and support her as a friend no matter what.

people do make mistakes, that’s life. We can’t save them from them, as it’s all part of growth. We just need to be there for them. That’s love.

I think you should talk to her. Think hard about what points you want to get over to her. Listen really carefully to her answers, and try and tailor your response.

The point of the discussion should be to check if she sees the same problems as you do, but is perhaps just disregarding them because she wants a baby so much.

The bottom line is to be ready to back down if it all goes tits up. Whatever happens, don’t lose your temper with her.

Using forethought and skill you can have the conversation, remain her friend and be there for her if/when it all goes wrong.

It may be one conversation or lots of little ones.

I agree with PP that say talk to here but avoid the massively inflammatory language, but express concern.

She is focussed on getting pregnant and having a baby, she isn't really focussed on whether this man is going to be a good partner and father just that he is prepared to give her what she wants.

I think that people with a history of MH issues can be great parents and partners but I think that is difficult when they are so recently out of several episodes of crisis and are engaging in damaging behaviours like excessive drinking and "disappearing". I do not think this man is in the right place to be taking on the responsibility of raising a child and it may trigger further crisis episodes.