Can’t see a way forward

[Opal2022]

I have a really good relationship with my boyfriend for over 2 years. Both in our 40s. He has one dd full time, her mother not in the picture, divorced 6 years. I have 2 dds, their father not in the picture, my youngest does not remember her father.
Two of the children are pre teen and one is a young teenager. I rent a 3 bed, he built his martial home on family land and he and his dd have always lived there. No chance of me getting a mortgage or him sellling and re-mortgaging due to finances.

We met accidentally when I least expected it and formed a really deep bond. I always wanted to meet someone and re-marry and live the family dream. He would also love this, have someone to come home to in the evenings and has talked about how he would like more kids. It’s becoming painfully clear this can not happen easily with my boyfriend.

His dd is very resistant to change. To the point where I feel it would be impossible for me and my children to live in their home as she would always see it as her home and we would be like the unwelcome visitors. One of my dds would be happy to live there, it’s closer to their social life and one would not be so happy. His DD would absolutely hate us being there full time, and can often have tantrums if she feels I am trying to change anything, for a teeny ridiculous example, a suggestion of putting a laundry basket in her bedroom was met with absolute defiance and even though this was much more practical for my BF she would not comply. If we sit in a chair or use a room (tv room) she see’s as ‘hers’ we are moved out of it if she decides she wants to use the chair/room. I would never allow my children to do this to my BF or his dd. In fact it’s a bit alien to me that a child can claim anywhere but their bedroom as their ‘territory’ (for want of a better word).

My BF is also very attached to this house, he built a lot of the house himself and the roots run deep. He says I am being negative and that we could make it work but never gives concrete solutions. I feel he would also resist the kinds of changes I would want in order for this house to work for all of us. He never commits to my ideas. So here we are in a sort of limbo state and neither of us really getting what our hearts desire.

I’ve also made it clear I want to marry not just live together and this hasn’t been brought up by him at all since it has been said.

I love my home it’s my sanctuary and his home isn’t my ideal but I could work on it except I increasingly feel he wants us to move in and go with the flow of the house how it already is. I see it that we would be slotting in around their established ways of doing things.

I long to come home to him every night and experience a real marriage (my first was a disaster). I don’t think it’s going to happen with him. Do I give up a good relationship and hope I meet someone else eventually that it can work with. Or hold onto half the dream- have someone I love but not how I wanted it. Feel so stuck and so torn and cannot see a solution that’s fair and suits everyone to some degree.

@Opal2022 in my experience this rarely works when one person moves into the other ones established household. It would need to be a new house so it’s a fresh start for everyone so no one is slotting into the other ones life. With what you have described he wants his life as it is, with you on the side adhering to his way of life.

It all sounds like it’s moving at the speed of light. You have been dating for only two years. And in your head you are remodelling/changing around the house he has built. Putting demands to marry. And to fulfil some fantasy of what you th

Oops - posted too early

Fantasy of what you think family life should be like.
Thing is - that ‘family life’ is some dream you created in your head, because your relationship wasn’t working.
Other people may not have the same picture of ‘family’ in their dreams.
And, more importantly, you also have kids and your partner (this one or any other one) may have kids too. And they need to be included into any realistic ‘family’ you would be creating.
So - I think - your dream needs to be adjusted. And you need to come up with a more realistic timeline. And it needs to take into account the kids - and give them time to get used to the changes in their lives.

The answer would be to rent his out and rent together to see if blending families could work.

TBH I would either carry on dating until the DC are adults or if that isn't what you want end it.

Sounds like he and his DD and ended up in a spousification.

@Greengiant22 That is exactly my fear for the future. This is where I feel the hopelessness creep in.

@MMmomDD The thing is I could quite happily continue to be a family unit just me and my kids. We are chilled and have a good life and I have sorted everything over the years in a way that I manage fantastically alone. I’m not trying to push marriage or change his house or anything of the sort now. But when someone comes along like my BF and puts all that stuff on the table for the future I began to realise it wasn’t going to be as easy as he made it sound. And now there’s the creeping feeling of ‘what’s the point - Neither of us will get what we want in the end’ by which I mean to settle into each others lives.

I tend to agree with this, it sounds a bit like you are moving much quicker than he is

Can’t you just keep things how they are? If your kids are all teens it’ll only be a few years.

it’s not like you’ve got a 2 year old and him a 4 year old.

I feel like they’re too old to really ‘blend’ now. Everyone will just be unnecessarily unsettled and trying to work a new dynamic.

His DD will probably end up in therapy for feeling pushed out by other females moving into ‘her territory’ and taking over and changing everything. You and your kids will feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. Your DP will probably try and pacify everyone and stay neutral.

If they were all very small children you could easily blend but I think when kids get older (11+) it’s hard to do without causing any kind of unnecessary damage.

Also just to add if you end it, by the time you meet someone new and get to the point of talking about moving in together, your kids will be even older.

You’d then be looking at moving in with a different man with mid/late teens which rarely ever works. So again you’d then probably have to wait anyway.

@RandomMess I wish this were possible. It is the ideal solution. He has workshops on his property he uses for his line of work, it wouldn’t be possible to rent his house they are attached.

@Kenny69 Probably the opposite. He set the seed for all this and when I began to also feel that I would like a future with him then I saw all these obstacles. I’m a bit more realistic about it all than he is.

I think before we label his relationship with his daughter as some sort of unhealthy attachment - can we for a second remember that this little girl had been growing up without a mother for 6 years, at least. And that her dad and the house he built is all she has in her life, source of comfort and stability.
Now - we have a gf who she knows for less than 2 years moving in and trying to claim her place in their house, moving in her kids and in a way - taking her dad from her.
( I presume you two didn’t introduced yourself and started blending families right after meeting)

If course - this is not all true - but to a child this is how it would look and feel. And I think her feelings need to be taken into account and be respected. Expecting his daughter to just go along with these massive and swift changes is unrealistic.
At a minimum - she needs time.

And of course - she needs help dealing with her feelings.

OP - your post is all about you and your needs and wants. It’s like you are trying to decide if you can make this bf to fit the idea of family in your head - or get another one to ‘work with’ as you said.

I am not sure it would work out for you and your bf, unless you change your attitude and consider your bf and his daughter’s feelings as well.

@MustdrinkmoreH2O all true. I would hate to cause his child or my own distress in any way. It’s been good getting all this out and not swirling in my head, and thank you for your thoughts on the implications of a possible future relationship timeline should we decide to split up.

@jsku thank you for your input, it really must feel like that to her. Honestly I don’t think there is an unhealthy attachment between him and his daughter at all. And we are talking about the future not now. It comes across perhaps as my wants and needs as this post is about my personal deep feelings of not seeing a way to move forward. I’m very conscious and considerate of everyone’s feelings which is why I have the dilemma.

@Opal2022

What dilemma do you have at this moment,
really? You are dating and things are OK, by the sound of it.
And in the future - kids will move out relatively soon and you and him can do whatever it is that you want.

Your post did sound all about you. And you mentioned changes you would need to make to his house to make it suit you.
You also mentioned moving you and your kids to his house - as something you seem to be considering,
And - for some reason you decided to get involved in the way his daughter manages her laundry in her house.
And you are upset he didn’t respond to your saying you need a marriage.
You talk about the creeping feeling of it not being worth it because neither will get what you want - ‘settling into each others lives’…

It sounds like there is only one way for you to settle into life with him. But in reality there are many ways it can work, and it can also go through stages. It has only been 2 years - why are you in such a mad rush to push it so fast to total blending of the families?

My Ex is dating a woman with kids. We have kids pre/teenage and teenage. He pushed for similarly fast blending and kids don’t like that. And for a good reason. It’s not the age where this works. Luckily for my kids - he only has them EOW and half of holidays. If they were forced to live together full time - they’d hate it.

Just put your need for some picturesque family aside for a bit. Date and let the kids get used to spending some time as a blended unit and some time with individual parents. This is really best for them now.

I feel for you, OP. Two years is not early to be thinking of marriage. But it looks as if the best chance of happiness for all of you might be to keep dating for a while longer. I’m hoping his dd is the oldest! So in a few years she may be moving on.

Your children will be happier if they don't live with him and his daughter. His daughter will be happier if you don't move in. I'm sure you won't want him using different parenting techniques with your children and vice versa.

If he is a really nice guy, then I wouldn't merge households until every last child had left.

Personally, there is no way I would want to live with someone else's teenager!

My advice is that you continue with your relationship but you and him don't move in together at the moment. From what you told us I think you want the wedding and the happy ever after. You mentioned that he said he like to have another child but the reality is that your both in your 40's and you have a higher risk of having a child with special needs. You not living together and his and your kids are in their teens.

You and him are both in your 40's with teenaged kids. Teenaged kids can be hard going at times due to any number of reasons. Try to blend 2 families together with teenaged kids will be hard going. You know that his daughter is not to happy when your in her home. I don't think that she like you telling her what to do in her house.
He may not be able to sell his house due to his business been near by and you moving in their could have a serious impact on your kids ie having to change schools ect.

The reality is that within a few years his dd and your kids will have more of their own lives, will be in college and may have left home then. Perhaps at that stage you and him could rent a place for a year. See how things go and keep your own house before deciding what you to do then.

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate the different perspectives - much of what has been said have been the worries that have been niggling me and keeping me stuck from seeing a future, so it settles my mind somewhat to know that its not me being 'negative' and that I am being more of a realist than he is.
Feel a bit disheartened now too. Alot of adult children cannot leave home, it is becoming increasingly harder to find suitable, affordable housing. That could be a scenario of waiting years for something that will never happen. From getting it all out there it seems my choices are to keep seeing each other how we are presently and hope this satisfies him also as he is keen for us to live together. Or decide the relationship won't give either of us what we ultimately want from a longer term relationship and call it quits.

I think you maybe want different things out of life but neither of you are pushing them because you know its not compatible and letting go is always hard.
He would like more kids for instance - given you are in your 40's, that's not likely, so either he was hinting that you are not for him long term, or its another example of his lack of being realistic.
It looks like he's only thought as far as how nice it would be to have someone to come home to for company, whereas you are more practical about how that could happen and also know you want marriage out of it. I suspect marriage will be low on his list as that gives the other rites to his treasured home.
I think he's angling for you to move in and slot in without any personal protection, which would be a big risk for you to take. I doubt a proposal will be coming your way so you are at a bit of an impass on that. Beware though, he could well start giving false promises to keep you in his life hanging around, don't fall for that. Consider what you really want and how important it is to you. Each year you spend with him delays those wants you have as you won't get them from him.

@Opentooffers Thank you, some really good advice there to consider and has been helpful. Your first sentence really made me think.