What do I do about my poor grandma?

[gottobe74]

My grandma has been staying with me since she’s had a series of falls. A few weeks ago, she ended up in hospital after a fall, and she had a suspected mini stroke. She since was discharged. She has been staying with me since, as she lives on her own (I live with my fiancé, and my parents aren’t alive anymore).

I have a feeling she’s soon going to ask to return home as she’s very headstrong and she said she’s been feeling okay. And she hasn’t had any more episodes in a few weeks.

On one side, I really don’t want her to go home as I’m so nervous she’s going to be on her own and if anything happens no one will be there for her. Which it likely will. I know that she’s poorly and near the end of her life.

On the flip side, me and my fiancé are really struggling now that she’s been staying with us a while. We’re not sleeping, we’re both super hyperactive to any noise of indication that she’s fallen or struggling.

I just don’t know what to do for the best and wondered if anyone could help?
Thank you

You can contact your local social services and ask for an assessment of her needs. They can install equipment to make home safer for her. And a package of care with daily calls from carers to check all is well. This is chargeable dependent upon her assists. They will do a financial assessment too.

Thanks @unicornsarereal72 that’s really helpful to know there’s those options there. I’m just so worried something will happen when she’s returned home and I’ll regret moving her back home, even though it’s what she wants, because I know she is in the last part of her life :(

You could also post on the elderly parents board ( it’s in other stuff) there are lots of people there in similar situations. You sound very caring and supportive. I hope it works out.

Thank you so much @TheGander I didn’t know about that! Super helpful.

also I did actually suggest the in-house care but my grandma is so adamant she doesn’t want any help and is kind of refusing it at the moment so it’s so tricky

Your grandma has the right to choose where she lives, even if that is not a decision you are comfortable with.

If she has mental capacity then it is up to her. You can advise and suggest, but ultimately it should be what she wants.

It is tricky because it may feel very uncomfortable, but she is entitled to the dignity of choice.

Would she be willing to wear a pendant alarm? If she had a fall she could press the button and be connected to a helpline who would contact you. Its still not ideal but would give you a bit more peace of mind.

My Mum was very resistant to pendants etc, so we got her an Apple Watch with fall detection and lots of Alexa Echoes dotted about the house. If you get the watch with its own sim it isn't dependant on being in range of the phone.

It depends how tech savvy your grandma is though.

My Mum died earlier this year, but I know how important it was to her to retain her independence and dignity.

How far away do you live?

I think it's the mental aide you need to get your head around, sadly. But you have mentioned it twice so you must be on that same track of thought. My dad will be the same, he is adamant that he will have no care, he will fall down dead at his painting easel. And I will uphold that.

You know that of your Grandma goes home, something may happen. But it seems that something may happen anyway, because she is that age.

How far away is she going to be?

An assessment sounds good. What about installing cameras in her house, with her agreement so you can keep an eye on her from afar?

She’s allowed to decide to take risks.
She can choose where to live.
It’s good to be fiercely independent.

Ask her to request a referral to falls clinic local to her home via her GP. They can assess and provide equipment to reduce risk of falling. That might be stronger light bulbs, a nightlight, a handrail in the loo etc.
Worth also getting her to consider an eye test and hearing test. Both affect balance.
If she’ll use a community bus to get out and about, so much the better.
She doesn’t sound like she needs much in the way of personal care, but you can ask for an assessment.
Consider a meals on wheels service, and a ring door bell so she doesn’t have to rush to answer the door.

Don’t start spying on her to appease your worrying. She’s entitled to have her privacy respected.

I don’t thing the OP is talking about spying on her gran, she just is trying to avoid her having a nasty accident.

I understand that but watching her covertly is a huge intrusion and won't stop her falling. Putting proper aids in will be more beneficial. Treat her like an adult helps too.

Agree in contacting social services and see if you can get a carer in a couple of times a day to help her get dressed etc, and check in on her often during the day if you can. Could you bring a camera to check on her (with her permission) via an app etc (eg ring internal camera)

Ok, I have re read the entire thread. It wasn’t the OP who mentioned cameras but I see a previous poster did so maybe that’s what you are referring to CaronPoivre.

She wants to go home. You don’t have the right to impose your will over that even though your motivation is to care for her.

You should do everything you can to support her choice as long as she is safe at home.

best of luck

Honestly, the more independant she wants to be the better it is if she maintains it. Once you remove that things deteriorate further.

Definitely talk to her about social services even if its just to get a lifeline pendant she can press on her wrist if she had a fall.

There are some really amazing aids and adaptations you can get now!