I am ridiculous. Why am I like this!?

[beatsin8s]

I'm so stubborn and cut my nose off to spite my face. I feel like I'm protecting myself and automatically on the defence, I don't want to be made a fool out of and think I look for things that aren't there.

I struggle to apologise because I feel it makes me look weak and I'll be taken advantage of.

I convince myself I'd rather be alone because I 'don't need anyone' then feel really down when I am alone.

I have no idea how to be a normal human being. Fallen out with DP (we don't live together) and I desperately want everything to be ok again but I am in some way emotionally stunted. I'm fine with others on a superficial level and almost everyone thinks I'm 'lovely' and 'friendly' (or so they say!) but I struggle so much with intimate relationships. I'm waiting for something to go wrong or for someone to treat me badly so I quickly turn to attack (verbal) as a form of defence.

I have been aware of this for years, so why can't I stop being this way? I just want to feel happy and secure with no drama but I am not achieving it. I am almost 40 and I don't know what to do to be 'normal' within a relationship.

I don't feel listened to sometimes, but surely I could just say that?? I don't know why I can't communicate my needs.

Your problem is that you think there's an ideal and you want to adhere to it, but there isn't one. The way to be normal in life is to be yourself, and surround yourself with people who think you're normal. Then you stop feeling like you have something to defend.

The first person who needs to see you as normal is you. You don't behave as you do for no reason; you're having perfectly rational, standard responses to things. They're just misplaced. So, for example, if someone jumps out at you on a dark night, you scream, and it seems normal. In the sistine chapel, you scream, and it seems... odd. But you might be screaming on both occasions because you have an ant in your pants, and are having a reasonable response to that.

Work out what you're responding to. Were you made a fool of as a kid? Did you have to defend and protect yourself? Your behaviour will make sense, and when you realise it does, you'll also realise that lots of people have displaced behaviours... inability to stop eating chocolate, inability to stop at one drink, lack of interest in socialising, lack of interest in being alone, exercise addiction, short temperedness, controlling behaviours... most of us are odd in some way or another.

In the nicest possible way, there is nothing at all that's special about you. You're a perfectly ordinary person, with a behaviour they don't understand, and who others may have trouble understanding, too. It's a detrimental behaviour, but it doesn't make you ridiculous. It makes you human. Start forgiving yourself, start being nice to yourself, stop insulting yourself, and things will start to feel different.

You're not alone.
I also feel very similar except I tend to over apologise.

I did some CBT therapy which kinda helped with the thought patterns but sometimes my overthinking still wins.

Don't be too hard on yourself, we're only human at the end of the day x

I would assume you were silenced as a child, or your feelings were bested by something/someone else. Addict parent? Ill parent? Demanding sibling(s)? Abusive parent?

You sound like you might have avoidant attachment disorder.

Google it and see if it describes you, if so, there are techniques to work on achieving a more secure style.

@alpacajuice I over apologise to everyone else barring a romantic partner! Honestly, 'sorry' is my most used word but not in this situation. It just feels so silly being my age and I feel like I'm acting like a teenager who can't control their moods.

@Watchkeys thank you so much for that very measured post, it was very helpful. I suppose it's difficult to know if you're just your average person or there is something wrong with you because you're not living anyone else's life and they all seem to be getting on grand.

Yes, difficult childhood. Very much children should be seen and not heard. Domestic issues between my parents. Subsequent abusive relationships. I think it's just because I understand all this, so why can I still not behave like a healthy individual? I know when I'm wrong, I know possible reasons but it changes nothing and it's so frustrating.

I cannot afford private therapy, I've tried CBT but it didn't work. I don't even know what I'm asking really, I just don't know what to do to stop feeling/acting this way.

Thank you, I will look into this.

I can relate to you so much!

It is horrible feeling like you can't control your emotions properly. It's exhausting!

I think it's just because I understand all this, so why can I still not behave like a healthy individual? I know when I'm wrong, I know possible reasons but it changes nothing and it's so frustrating

It's because your educated, adult brain has learned, over the years, how you'd like to be, but your emotional self is still a kid. All our emotional selves are kids. We're all dealing with short tempers and tantrums and stubborn kids on our insides. The thing is, an adult is someone who is old enough to parent themselves. Someone who doesn't need their actual parents anymore. And the way we parent that emotional self is key to what's happening with you. You are parenting in the way you were shown. So it's not you that's ridiculous, it's the example you were given.

If you can picture yourself as 2 people, the adult mind, and the separate, emotional self, you can start to understand what's going wrong on a regular basis. Emotional child gets stressed, adult calls child 'ridiculous'. Is that child then going to feel settled and happy, comfortable, safe?

You can treat this part of you differently. Emotional child gets stressed, adult asks questions and stays calm and reassuring, tries to understand why, comforts child until child feels better.

The emotional child is actually, when calm, your boundaries. That's the part of you that is telling you that you're not happy, it's the part of you that tells you what's ok for you and what's not. But you can't hear her, because you refuse to hear her. She's been shouting and screaming at you since she was tiny, and all you can do, even now, is to call her ridiculous and wish that she'd shut up. Don't you feel sorry for her?

@Watchkeys You have a knack for expressing things that I thought I had already learned, in a way that makes me understand them better than before - thank you

I would also second reading up on different types of attachment. There are loads of free articles and quizzes about this. You may skew to being fearful or dismissive avoidant.

I honestly could of written this myself. All my friends, extended family etc always say how lovely and friendly I am, and I will
go a million miles out of my way to make sure they like me, and I do get slightly paranoid I’ve upset them with the smallest thing. Yet with my husband, I hold a grudge, can’t just let things go, and me like, has to win because I don’t want to me mad a fool
of. We’ve been together 8 years and I know I’m 100% better now but my main hurdle to get over was stopping true tantrums when reality doesn’t fit my ideology of what I want to happen. Life’s not perfect and sometimes I really have to compromise but it honestly is worth it

Gosh OP @beatsin8s and others we are very similar.
I think I have an avoidant attachment style but I wouldn’t call it a disorder.

other people see me as confident, clever and sorted. I’ve had loads of therapy, can see whats happening but can’t seem to beat it. In my personal life I am emotionally crippled and cannot manage intimate relationships. I’m 60 soon and recently found out that my DM was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I’m still absorbing the news

I wouldn't be thinking that OP has a disorder based on what she's said. She has some behaviour patterns that are often related to a difficult childhood, and can be sorted with a bit of self understanding and self-respect. Disorders are very different from that.

@ErinAndTonic That's me! I've just googled it and it's me to a T. Never heard of such a disorder. Maybe I can understand myself better now. Thank you!

Looking for some positive stories.

my Marriage is in a point that just feels totally broken, we have a 10.5 month old and we just want different things from family life.

My Husband refuses to adapt and change - it feels like his priorities are going out with his mates and getting drunk. I feel like I have to constantly tell him to spend time with our little girl.

I have fought and fought but I just don’t get what I need from him. I’ve never felt so vulnerable, alone and unsupported. We argue so much because he can’t ever see my perspective. I don’t see how we come back from this which terrifies me, the concept of bringing my little girl up from a marriage break down, breaks my heart. The guilt is unimaginable but as I force this relationship I can feel that I am just losing myself completely. He makes me out to be irrational and unreasonable because I expect more support from him.

I suppose I’m looking for someone who’s bee through this and come out the other side because right now I’m terrified.

@TryingMyBest91

1. It's better to demonstrate to your daughter that when you have a bad relationship, you leave.
2. Post your own thread, you'll get lots more responses. Lots of support here.